OH YES, it's that time again! Time to look back and reflect on the very best Mercury letters to the editor in 2014! We laughed, we cried, and then there was that thing we did that made you mad. Let's do it again next year!


RE: "Puttin' on the Ritz! By Amanda Fritz" [New Column! Jan 22], in which the city commissioner recommends her favorite Ritz Cracker party snack combinations.

DEAR COMMISSIONER FRITZ—Perhaps your recipe for Egg on a Ritz might be appreciated back in jolly ol' England, but not in the good ol' US of A—and especially not here in this gastronomic hotspot we call Portland. Any elected official who extols garnishing dishes with a fucking bay leaf should, frankly, no longer be in office. I pray you have the decency to resign before your recall petition commences.

Brian Horay


RE: The Mercury's Fitness Issue [Feature, Jan 29], in which the authors explored everything from juice fasting to Jazzercise, along with some discussion of Portland's propensity toward junk science (hello again, fluoride!).

Yea... Because hipsters ex fitness. Just keep

posted by starfish

Yea... Because hipsters exude fitness. Cram more American Spirits and PBR down your throats and shut the fuck up

posted by starfish

Fuck your mom

posted by starfish


RE: "Cosmos (The Show, Not the Drink)" [I Love Television, March 5], in which author Wm. Steven Humphrey wonders why science hasn't invented a way to pop out his eyeballs for drug-taking purposes.

MR. HUMPHREY—In last week's column you went on to chastise us scientists for being lazy. We spend the better part of 27-plus years in school as a bunch of hardworking fucks, and then graduate into the real world. When we get into the real world, we are greeted by a culture that does not value us and has "experts" who tell us we have no fucking clue what we are talking about. These "experts," and the acceptance of some of these lunatic ideas by the populace, makes us hardworking scientists just go... "Awww fuck it, why bother?" That, good sir, is why you cannot pluck your eyeballs out of your head, roll them in cocaine, and pop them back in again.

Dr. Bag O'Dicks


RE: Dinosaur Comics [March 19], in which the drawn figure of T. Rex complains about what a boring game driving is.

DEAR MERCURY—Please pass on this heartfelt note to T. Rex and anyone else struggling with the driving game. I was so saddened to read that you find the driving game boring. Having spent countless hours playing and enjoying the game I have one big tip. You must select the right vehicle. From the results you've gotten it sounds like maybe you've been playing with a Prius or perhaps an older Hyundai. Allow me to suggest a few options. American muscle cars are perennial favorites for high-level players. BMW 3 Series is also a really good bet. Locally, Subaru WRX is always in the game. How about a Miata? Don't ignore some of the fun front-wheel drives such as the GTI, Fiesta ST, Mini Cooper S, and Civic SI. Jeep Wranglers and lots of old trucks (before they got too plush) are good options too. What about a motorcycle? Once you have the right wheels you can MAKE the game fun and win!



RE: "All Tomorrow's Bovines" [Feature, March 19], regarding the latest scientific approaches to contending with the effects of climate change caused by dairy farming.

DEAR MERCURY—My girlfriend is half Norwegian and half vegan, so by the power invested in me, I hereby award Nathan Gilles and the Portland Mercury the Poo-litzer Prize for 2014, in multiple categories—Pooblic Service, Breaking Wind Reporting, Fecal Reporting, Flatulence Writing, and of course, Eructative Reporting. My friends in the organic dairy industry will no longer be able to protest when I fart in their general direction.



RE: "Romancin' Ted Danson by Scarlett Johansson" [New Column! April 9], a sample of erotic fan-fiction.

If the Portland Mercury were a chef, it would consistently create decent, tasty meals that look great and satisfy a variety of palates. But every so often this mature, competent chef would suddenly revert to being an inconsiderate punk kid for a bit and decide to, for no good reason, sneak in a dollop of feces or a mouthful of phlegm into an otherwise healthy dish, just to be a disgusting asshole.

human in training


RE: "A Strain for Every Brain" [The Mercury Marijuana Guide, April 16], in which staff members who don't smoke marijuana attempt to do so without having a freakout.

I actually like that edgy, paranoid high; I love it when my little homunculus stares at the monitors and controls inside my head, shaking his head at the readouts and periodically barks into the PA system, "Settle down, damn it! You're just high."

posted by wolkenkaiser


RE: "Fargo Pros, Fargo Cons" [I Love Television, April 9] regarding the new FX series based on the famous Coen brothers film.

DEAR MERCURY—I just read your review of the new FX series Fargo. Now... as a person who was raised in Minnesota, we need to get a few things straight. I never understood why a movie set in Minnesota was called Fargo. Fargo is in North Dakota. You also need to not talk about our accent until you understand it. I have never heard anyone say, "Dern tootin'." NO ONE says, "Ya betcha!" It's still "you betcha," just remember to elongate your Os. "Yooo betcha." "A oookaay." That's what it's all "aboot." You'll get the hang of it. And always end your sentences with prepositions... "I'm gooing too the mall, you wanna come with?" I hope this was helpful.



RE: "Road Work Ahead" [News, May 7], regarding the idea of charging a flat monthly rate per Portland household to help fill a gap in transportation funding.

There has to be a better way to get funding for these basic necessities. How are they going to collect this monthly fee—send around Ye Royale Tax Collector with a large leather satchel and a donkey cart and two hooded goons with cudgels to carry off half of the livestock, rifle through the thatched roof huts of the kingdom looking for valuables, and strip the peasants naked looking for carefully concealed coinage? Furthermore, if you live in an area where less than 75 percent of the roads are paved and/or have traffic signs do you get exempted? And why does it cost the same amount for five people to write a report as it does for a 10-person crew to fill a mile of potholes and lay six blocks of sidewalks?



RE: Bikepacking. Like backpacking, but on a bike. It's over. We guess.

DEAR MERCURY—I just want to place an ad that appears in print and says: "Bikepacking is over." Can you advise on how to make this happen?

N Dougher


RE: "My Little Brony" [Film, July 9], in which Elinor Jones reviewed A Brony Tale—a documentary about male fans of the children's show, My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic. Many such "bronies" wrote in to express their displeasure with the article, and in particular Elinor's comments about the possible inappropriateness of grown men hanging out in "the little-girl aisle of the toy store." What follows are just a few of the many (MANY!) responses we received.

Bronies are awesome and nobody cares what Elinor Jones thinks anyway. She only has 211 Twitter followers, lol.

posted by Ian Heard

Do yourself a favor and quit your job. You suck on every level and don't deserve to get paid for this. Maybe you can keep ranting on your Twitter no one gives a damn about.

posted by Michael Bolting


RE: An old-timey newspaper, and some unsolicited advice.

WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY—I came across this very real historical newspaper [Attached to this message was a scan of an old publication called the Sedalia Weekly Bazoo.—Eds.] during a search of the Library of Congress database. I must request... nay, DEMAND... that the name of the Portland Mercury be changed, with dispatch, to the Portlandia Weekly Bazoo. That is all.