RE: "Raccoons: Nature's Monsters" [Feature, March 25], in which author Elinor Jones looks deep into the eyes of the animals in her backyard.
DEAR MERCURY—Started reading your article "Racoons [sic]: Nature's Monsters," and stopped when I got to the part about how only hill-people call the opossum a possum. Um. Fuck you. They may call possums "opossums" in whatever fancy place you come from, but here in OREGON we call them possums. If you call them opossums, you sound like a pretentious jerk. And this is why I don't read your piece of shit paper anymore. A bunch of people that aren't fucking from here, get together every week to tell us how we should be doing things in Portland. Go home. Your presence is not needed. If the writer of that article is from Portland, then fucking act like it instead of walking around in your fancy high heels, sipping your $15 bottle of wine, looking down your nose at us hillbillies. And if you were from Portland, you would know what to do when you see a goddamned racoon [sic]. You give it a fucking corndog, like it wants.
THE MERCURY RESPONDS!: Okay, but you're still wrong. Opossums are native to the Americas. Possums are their own thing—an Oceanic thing. Good idea with the corndog, though.
DEAR MERCURY—Thanks to Elinor Jones for her insufferable take on raccoons. What ignorant, childish writers you have. Your nauseating irony goes so far as to suggest that someone is actually afraid of raccoons. If it was all a joke, then Jones should have quit while it was funny. I hope that her pug is attacked and disfigured. Then she might realize that little mutant house pets are not actually cute.
You completely neglected to mention skunks. Skunks are worse than raccoons, possums (no, I am not a hill-person), [sigh... Ed.] or nutria. See how your precious pug reacts to an encounter with a skunk.
posted by Jimmy Carter
I think they're cute. See 'em all the time around here in Northeast—sometimes a whole family clan trying to skate by stealthily. Elinor, just try to comfort yourself in knowing YOU ARE THE TOP OF THE FOOD CHAIN, and can kick some raccoon ass if you need to. Just keep your pets away from them.
posted by frankieb
You're the kind of entitled fucking yuppie that has ruined Portland.
posted by angry panda
Good news, Elinor: You actually cannot get distemper. Your dog is susceptible, but presumably it has been vaccinated. Nonetheless, we still recommend against letting them hang out in your hot tub, breastfeeding orphans, or bathing them in the same tub as your children... most of all, as the article notes, don't feed them!
Bob Sallinger, Audubon Society of Portland
Raccoons are cute and relatively harmless. A coyote was trotting after me as I was jogging one day. I realized it was waiting for me to die so it could eat my corpse. Them and the nutria are worth killing. Bow hunting them should be allowed.
posted by jamdox
Those animals all existed on that lush green LAND before it became your city! Your ignorance and hatred is outstanding! God forbid your city-slicker butt coexist with nature! I grew up in the country on a farm. Then people like you moved in. First the bears and coyotes were "removed" (killed). Then the raccoons, deer, and turkeys. Lastly the hawks and falcons were shot by ignorant asses protecting their precious inbred little yappers. The best part was when people like you made a city in the country, and the smell of farm animals was offensive and our horses, chickens, livestock, and rabbits had to go. Thanks. Humans are the monsters. Ignorant humans like you!
posted by Amanda Marchione
DEAR ELINOR JONES: FUCK YOU. RACCOONS ARE YOUR FUCKING FRIENDS. HERE IS A PICTURE OF ME AND MY FRIEND BRENDA. YOU'RE JUST A SHITTY FRIEND.
UM, YES. More like this, please. Jashon, you win the cute baby raccoon photo contest! I mean... the Mercury letter of the week! You get prizes. They are not baby raccoon prizes, but they are still pretty good: two tickets to the Laurelhurst Theater!