Hugh Newell


RE: "Things Not Invited Back in 2016" [Feature, Dec 30, 2015], in which Alex Falcone asked Portland's "didgeridoo jam band" and "that group-bike brewery tour thing" not to come back in 2016.

Whoever wrote this article should move out of Portland. We have a fantastic city full of color and charm. Haters like that are the thing we don't need in this place. Keep it friendly and fun. Haters gonna hate! BTW... the didgeridoo band downtown is super cool and that dorky brew pub bike thingy would probably be a hoot. Happy 2016!

posted by Rudohombre


RE: "A New Hope for Affordable Housing" [News, Dec 16, 2015], about a proposed bill to lift Oregon's ban on inclusionary zoning.

Homebuilders and landlords are reaping a huge windfall from the extreme increases in housing prices. A program like inclusionary zoning can capture some of that value that our communities are creating and dedicate it to the community's need. It's not controversial anywhere else in the country, and most developers recognize that they won't be significantly hurt by this bill.

posted by Euphonius


RE: "The Best of the Worst of I, Anonymous!" [Feature, Dec 16, 2015], in which an idiot bragged about going to movie theaters to "Mystery Science Theater the shit out of any movie."

Hey, I Anonymous, thanks for including "Shush Me? Shush You!" in your best and worst feature and reminding me how many entitled jerkwad assholes we all have to put up with now. Somewhere along the line, people stopped getting the memo about how being good neighbors and citizens means sometimes thinking about others and acting differently than when in their own private space. I hope I go to a movie soon where you're doing your Mystery Science Theater act. I'm going to sit right next to you. I eat chili for dinner every night, and I'm going to fart a zeppelin-filling barrage in your direction. In fact, I might just drop a load in my pants and squirm around so that so you can enjoy my personal poop perfume. After all, I PAID THE SAME AMOUNT AS YOU AND SO CAN DO WHATEVER THE HELL I WANT!

The Chili Lover


RE: "That Armed Standoff Brewing in Eastern Oregon Isn't in Any Hurry to Begin" [Blogtown, Jan 3].

Guy tosses pennies to represent the amount of money his family has paid to the American public to make his family millions of dollars to illegally graze on our public lands. Fuck these freeloaders.

posted by Stretch McGillicutty


RE: We have no idea.

What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I'll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy SEALs, and I've been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Qaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I'm the top sniper in the entire US Armed Forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You're fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over 700 ways, and that's just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little "clever" comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn't, you didn't, and now you're paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You're fucking dead, kiddo.


Congrats, Unsigned! Your passionate response to... something has won you two tickets to the Laurelhurst Theater, where maybe... just maybe... you and your maggot can solve your problems—not by shitting fury, but by enjoying a nice night together at the movies.