NO, YOU DO IT, SONORA
DEAR MERCURY—I could not have been more disappointed and bored with HUMP! [amateur porn festival]. Violence toward women: check. "Money shots": check. Boring-ass sex scenes (even though they were gay they were still boring): check. Phallocentric EVERYTHING (except for one film at the end?): check. I keep waiting for Portland to step up and make some gynocentric (even gyno-equal), outrageously fun smut for people who would like something outside the normal "insert dick into hole" porn we're used to. And no, while a meat hook isn't usually par for the course, it doesn't count, especially if the guy has to step on the woman's head while he does it. Do it better, Portland!
DEAR PORTLAND MERCURY—FUCK YOU! I'm guessing the error message over my comics page is an attempt to be clever [Halloween Dress-Up Issue, Oct 29]. I have news for you. It's annoying and not funny. The rest of this message will now be written in internet acronyms to befittingly express my anger. PM, WTF?! BMA! US! >:-( AFDN, TAH. LOL. TTFN.
ABSENCE MAKES THE HEART...
DEAR MERCURY—Congrats on grt issue, esp BEST Dinosaur Comix ever [Halloween Dress-Up Issue, Oct 29]. Oh, and kudos for using Camino for browser borders, which hardly anyone will recognize.
-140 chars @mklprc
HEY, HEY, WE'RE THE MONKEES
DEAR MERCURY—While Gabe Rodriguez, in his scatorific denunciation of the Mercury editorial staff entitled "Tall Bikes & Poopy Pants," dabbled with the sweet whimsy of the crossed metaphor, the idea that the knuckle-dragging gutter monkees that comprise the Mercury editorial staff would have the brains, balls, and balance that it takes to ride one of those top-heavy contraptions, strains credulity to the point where my sphincter aches [Letters, Oct 22].
-Victor "Stinky Finger" Sanchez
TINY BIT OF A SHIT
DEAR MERCURY—I do realize that while a good portion of Americans could not give a big fuck about soccer, it seems like a decent number of Americans actually do give a little fuck about soccer or football as most of the world calls the sport ["Thank You Ignorance," Film, Oct 29]. Just check out your friendly neighbors in the city of Seattle, who come out in big numbers every home game to watch their pro soccer team, the Seattle Sounders FC, at Qwest Field. They are getting over 30,000 people to their home games every game. Don't forget all the kids and adults that play soccer all over the USA and I would say that there are many, many Americans that do give a shit about soccer, not as many as your American sport of handball (American football), but a decent number I would say of Americans do give a bit of a shit about soccer!
NO SHIRT, NO PANTS, NO PIZZA
DEAR MERCURY—Well Mercury, you finally did it. Last week's cover with two twentysomethings exposing themselves to the skyline of our fine city got your paper kicked out of the establishment I work for [Cover, Oct 22]. See, we recently were taken over by a new owner who wants to make our staple pizza joint on Southeast Hawthorne a more "family-friendly" restaurant. So, come last Friday, she stormed into the kitchen with a stack of the new issue and demanded we "throw these away immediately!" (Don't worry Merc, we ran across the street and placed them lovingly into one of your newsstands.) Sadly, I now do not know what the future has in store for the existence of your paper in our restaurant. Before you scoff at our well-intentioned mother of an owner though, please forgive her—she's from Hillsboro.
OH, THANKS FOR THE ASSIST, Warner. That would have been a real waste of paper! You get the letter of the week and two tickets to the Laurelhurst Theater, plus lunch at No Fish! Go Fish! where we have literally never been kicked out for taking our clothes off. Literally.