[Editor's Note: What follows is an email exchange between a reader and the editor regarding the Mercury's I, Anonymous blog.]
luckybulldog13pdx: Why the fuck do you keep rehashing and reprinting old IAs as new ones [RE: I, Anonymous, Dec 22]? It shows how fucking stupid and retarded you pathetic fucks are!
Editor Wm. Steven Humphrey: Are you talking about reprinting I, Anonymous submissions from the I, Anonymous blog in the paper?
luckybulldog13pdx: I am talking about ones that are online and people comment in the rant blog, then it shows up two or three months later as the IA with no comments and a new date.
[Editor's Note: This particular I, Anonymous submission was posted on the I, Anon blog on December 2... but whatever! He's on a roll!]
Wm. Steven Humphrey: So the fuck what? Shall I send you an extended list of things you should be worrying about?
luckybulldog13pdx: It shows how fucking retarded and stupid your paper really is. You guys are fucking pathetic! And why the fuck should I care what you think I should be worrying about?
Wm. Steven Humphrey: This is you: "BOW WOW WOW FUCKING PATHETIC! BOW WOW WOW RETARDED STUPID! BOW WOW WOW I AM DUMB!" (I don't think you meant to say that last part.)
luckybulldog13pdx: No that is your stupid, fucking ugly hipster ass and everyone who works at your pathetic paper.
Wm. Steven Humphrey: BOW WOW WOW WOW WOW!!
TO THE EDITOR: This is one of the funniest columns/writing offered anywhere in 2011 [One Day at a Time, Dec 29, about the year in Kim Kardashian news]. I had reached a point where none but British writers/performers had me rolling on the floor with laughter until now. Ann Romano's straight-faced impassioned commentary about a person of no interest—other than appearing in various media of no interest—is hilarious.
DEAR ANONYMOUS: Thank you for your interest in my puppy ["A Dog's Life," I, Anonymous, Dec 29, about a howling puppy tied up outside a business. This note is from the puppy's owner.]. Like you, I am crazy about my puppy. I rescued her at the age of three months because I had just lost my job. I knew I had the time it takes to train and spend time with her. As a single mom, I thought that my two sons would gain important skills in having and raising a dog. And although her name isn't "Princess," she is treated like one. I shouldn't have to justify my actions to you, but I do want you to know a couple of things: 1) Dogs have coats. If you don't believe me, check out the book Inside of a Dog by Alexandra Horowitz. I'm reading it now, and it is excellently written. 2) Try to assume the best. If you are really concerned with making the world a better place (for you and others, I assume), then please, please volunteer your efforts to helping homeless CHILDREN. I have done my part to adopt a homeless dog, and given her a great life, and I am raising two amazing kids. Please do your part by being kinder, and being part of the solution instead of part of the problem.
CONGRATS TO MICHELLE for her impassioned defense of responsible pet ownership! She wins two tickets to the Laurelhurst Theater, where only movies about dogs are allowed. Sorry, "Princess"!