I AM A PROUD MOM of one of Portland's most ubiquitous—and ridiculous—dog breeds: the pug. I got Oscar from a local shelter, where he was found tied up outside. "How could somebody abandon something so adorable?!" I wondered at the time. Later I realized it was because he barks at nothing, farts like a grandpa, and is the straight-up devil's spawn in the car. And if I can make it work with my evolutionary abnormality, I'm pretty sure I can help you too! Here are my best bets for fixing your janky pets:

If you have a gigantic dog but you can't ride it:

Buy a saddle, and get a My Buddy. Style the My Buddy to look like you, put it in the saddle, and stand at 100 yards' distance.

If your rodent is boring:

Get your hamster a friend, and then start a blog about their animal friendship! I bet it would look cute with a snake! Get a snake. Get them matching hats. Take pictures.

If your friends don't like your cat:

Obviously, stop being friends. But if you can't do that, try giving your cat a cool haircut. You can make any cat into a miniature lion with an electric razor and like three minutes. Anybody who doesn't like your cat-lion will be run outta town.

If your dog gets boners while he shits in public:

When I have company, my dog gets a boner and sits on the back of the couch, staring down at them disapprovingly. It's crazy disturbing. Sorry, but dogs can't be talked out of being disgusting.

If your ferret stinks:

Wash the cage? Then, when it dies peacefully in its old age, consider a less '90s pet for next time. Meanwhile, nobody cares about the smell if it's really cute. Keep a li'l sailor hat on it at all times.

If your cat pukes/pees/poops everywhere:

Dude, I don't know either. I've had my cat for 12 years and she's been barfing everywhere from the word go, and whenever I clean her box she immediately poops right in front of it. Fucking cats. Perfect little lions.

If your horse is too expensive:

If you have a horse in the first place, you're probably doing okay, but here goes: The city of Portland allows horses on city streets! Ditch your car, along with the ridiculously expensive car insurance. As long as you work near a public stable, you're good!

If your fish can't do any tricks:

No room for improvement here.

If your bird-shit situation is out of control:

Put nice-quality paper on the bottom of the cage. Once it's all poopy, spray the paper with lacquer, and then sell it at Last Thursday.

If your snake isn't friendly:

Your snake doesn't have to be friendly. Wrap it around yourself and get respect everywhere. Apply for a crazy expensive mortgage. You'll get it.

More Pet Issue Articles:
Magic Friends
Point/Counterpoint: The Mercury Argues about Dog Food
Love the One You're With
Which Pet Is Right for You?
Creepin' On Dogs
Portland's Pet of the Year 2015
Four Paws On The Street
Behold! The Winners of the Most Glamorous Pet Photo Contest