It just ain't summertime without some tunes. If you're like most people, however, you lack the skills to play in a real band. But that doesn't mean you still can't partake in a good ol' hick-style hoedown!

Step one should be obvious: You need moonshine. (The best stuff comes from anyone called "Grandpappy," but if you must, go to www.portlandmercury.com/2003-01-16/feature.html for some helpful tips.) Once the 'shine works its ethereal magic, gather up one of those "Portland Recycles!" tubs, a comb, and an empty whiskey jug, as well as a broom, some twine, and wax paper.

Take the recycling tub and flip it over. Stick the broom handle through it, and string some twine from the broomstick to the tub--now you've got a gee-tar!

Next, take your comb, fold a piece of wax paper over it, and hum--now you've got a her-monica! Finally, take that empty whiskey jug and blow over the top of it--now you've got an empty whiskey jug you can blow over the top of!

Finish up by taking off them city-folk shoes, sliding into some overalls, and hollerin' for your kin--you'll all be a-dancin' and a-stampin' your bare feet on the porch within minutes! (For true authenticity, remove a few front teeth. YEE-haw!) EH