But... well, I kind of lied. I'm not really good at golf. I kind of suck actually. But once I tighten up my short game, my friend, I'll be kickin' Tiger's ass in no time! That's why this summer I'm making my own pitching green! Here's how you can as well:
Some "experts" will tell you that this takes a lot of "work." They'll want to put in a "water drainage system" and a fancy-pants sod called "bent grass," and they'll recommend "spending money" on a "putting green mower" and "fertilizer." PUH-lease! I'm too busy drinking for all that.
First, head into your backyard, lower the blades on your mower and cut out the shape of your green--cut it as short as you can without scraping up dirt. Then head to Taco Bell and get one of those gargantuan plastic cups. Dig a hole in your newly-fashioned green and stick the cup in. Sure, it's not what "real golfers" call "regulation size," but it'll work.
Next, you'll need a flag and a water hazard. Steal that creepy "POW MIA" flag from that creepy Vietnam vet down the street or the stars-and-stripes from the Republican war drum-beater across the alley. Then swipe that wading pool from those damn neighbor kids. Dig a hole next to the green, plunk in the pool, and raise that flag. Hey, nice work, buddy! That was as easy as one, two, three... and fore! EH