Jeremy Eaton

My fellow American I Love Television™ readers (and even those in foreign countries except of course for the Krauts, who I hate), it is time once again to make your voices heard! As we all know by now, when a grave injustice is committed against humanity, it is up to I, Wm.™ Steven Hump-me, to track down the transgressors and severely punish them for their crimes via a fuming, impotent letter. However! In order to really get my self-righteous point across, I need your help. By answering the I Love Television™ Poll of Outrage™, your opinion will be snatched from the jaws of indifference and shoved straight up the poop shoot of their bony asses.

And what is this great crime that has been perpetrated against humankind? WELL, DIG THIS: As we all know, director Tim Burton (the fruit who looks like that weirdo from The Cure) is filming a spanking new version of the late-'60s sci-fi classic Planet of the Apes. It stars hunky Marky Mark Wahlberg as the Charlton Heston character (without the creepy teeth), and hottie Helena Bonham Carter as a hottie ape scientist who gets to examine the human's "Dirk Diggler."

Now, we all realize this movie is going to be CRAP--primarily because nine out of 10 Tim Burton movies are CRAP. Nevertheless! Just because Burton is a fruity Cure look-alike doesn't mean he shouldn't be allowed his artistic "vision"--the "vision" of Marky Mark and Helena making some hot, sweaty MONKEY SEX!

That's right: Marky Mark in a loin cloth and dog collar, Helena in a rubber chimp mask and matted-fur suit banging away in the tree tops, or perhaps on top of a rotting pile of banana peels. It's HOT, it's SEXY, it's TODAY! But! Apparently, there are some schoolmarmish executives running the show over at FOX studios, and when presented with the image of Marky and Helena in the throes of slipping each other the simian salami, all those close-minded jerks can say is, "EWWWWWWWW!"

According to insiders on the set, the studio vetoed the idea because it "might be interpreted as bestiality." DOY! No crap, Craplock! What did they think it might be interpreted as? A box of Raisin Bran? Now, this is not to say that I'm personally going to jump over the fence at the zoo and wine and dine an orangutan. But, come on! Everybody knows that's Helena Bonham Carter in that monkey suit! And everybody also knows that the apes on Planet of the Apes aren't exactly your garden-variety, poop-throwing, stick-their-finger-in-their-bum-and-smell-it CHIMPS! They talk, they flirt, they get each other drunk, and they have SEX. So if Marky Marky and Helena Bonham Monkey want to make some interspecies gravy, I SAY HAVE AT IT!

And this is where you come in. If you agree with my argument, I will send a stinging, vitriolic memo off to those dumbshit FOX executives, damning them for their shortsightedness. If not, I will crawl into a fetal position and shake my head incredulously for ever thinking human/monkey whoopee-time was a good idea. Send your vote for "Yay, Monkey Sex" or "Nay, Monkey Sex" to, and I'll print the results in two weeks. Don't delay! Let your impotent outrage be heard today!