WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 11
NAUGHTY BENEFIT—You love Planned Parenthood, and you love mortifying stories—so don't miss Naughty Listed: Stories of Holiday Misbehavior, a benefit for Planned Parenthood (keeping reproductive rights safe for everyone!). It's hosted by the heelarious Barbara Holm and features tales from authors Stacy Bolt and Pauls Toutonghi, comics Belinda Carroll, Alex Falcone, and Kristine Levine, and more! WSH
Mission Theater, 1624 NW Glisan, 7 pm, $18-20
MUSIC + WORDS—The new series Seed: Words + Music is a brilliant idea: Writers and musicians create stories and songs inspired by each other's work. With the likes of Laura Gibson, Matt Sheehy, and Cheryl Strayed on the bill, it is scientifically impossible for this show to be anything less than amazing. AH
w/Arthur Bradford, Swan Sovereign, Courtenay Hameister; Alberta Rose Theatre, 3000 NE Alberta, 7:30 pm, $20-22, 18+
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 12
MUSIC—With songs in their hearts and jangles on their strings, the Woolen Men might very well be Portland's most beloved band. Catch their rough-edged and peerlessly fun garage rock down in the East End cellar, along with local band Landlines, who are releasing their excellent new tape tonight. NL
w/San Onofre Lizards; East End, 203 SE Grand, 9 pm, $5
CHRISTMAS SHOW—Portland's favorite Neil Diamond impersonator, Tony Starlight, loves Christmas. With his holiday show, he's taking the production from his supper club on NE Sandy to the larger confines of the Alberta Rose for a variety show filled with holiday music galore, skits, and Vegas-style shenanigans. CF
Alberta Rose Theatre, 3000 NE Alberta, 8 pm, $20-30, all ages
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 13
OFFICE PARTY—Finally, a fun office party! The Mercury presents Your Holiday Office Party... a drunken affair featuring YOU in semi-business attire (including an "ugly tie/pantyhose contest"), dancing to Silent Disco (with DJ Gregarious), a "Secret Santa" raffle for charity, a terrible boss dressed as St. Nick (comedian Gabe Dinger), a make-out cubicle, photo booth, complimentary Xerox machine (for genitalia copying), and plenty of BOOZE. WSH
525 NW 10th, 7 pm-late, $12 advance at merctickets.com, $18 door
MUSIC—The Midlake of today isn't the band that wooed you with woodsy charm back in 2006. The Texas indie-folk outfit's longtime frontman, Tim Smith, took off last year, leaving big questions in his wake. But Midlake's never been a band afraid to tweak its sound, and the group's remaining members have a resounding rallying cry in this year's Antiphon. DVH
w/Sarah Jaffe; Wonder Ballroom, 128 NE Russell, 9 pm, $13-15
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 14
MUSIC & TOYS—If you missed the first two shows in prolific Portland emcee Cool Nutz's Greatest Toy Drive Ever Concert Series, don't sweat it. Tonight's lineup—headlined by preeminent whip-ghosting aficionado Mistah FAB—is the best of the bunch. Bring the toy you would have given to your spoiled nephew and it's just $3. A Christmas miracle! DVH
w/Grayskul, Cool Nutz, Serge Severe, & more; Ash Street Saloon, 225 SW Ash, 9:30 pm, $12 (or $3 w/gift donation)
PARTY—At the December to Forget party, all the favors conspire to make your evening a blurry, sweaty, hazily recalled night of glory. Party checklist: lasers, bubbles, booze, food carts, the bands Old Light, Hustle and Drone, the We Shared Milk, and some top-secret guests. But don't forget to bring a food or toy donation—this amnesiac's paradise is for charity! CF
Manifestation PDX, 2020 SE Bush, 8 pm, $5 before 10 pm, $10 after ($1 off w/holiday outfit, food or toy donation)
SUNDAY, DECEMBER 15
MUSIC—It's been almost 20 years since the Dandy Warhols staked out their no-so little piece of Portland's rock pantheon. And nothing's managed to bust 'em up yet—not record company drama, not the band's panoply of side projects. This one's a holiday show, part of the Crystal Ballroom's 100-day extravaganza, with great opening bands Unknown Mortal Orchestra and Modern Kin. DCT
w/Bloco Alegria; Crystal Ballroom, 1332 W Burnside, 8 pm, $20-22, all ages
BOOKS—Forget the latest Oprah-approved bestseller. The discriminating bookworms in your life are far more apt to be impressed by one of the proudly independent offerings on display at the fifth annual Publication Fair, a co-production between Publication Studio and the Ace Hotel, and featuring a knockout lineup of local book-themed vendors. AH
The Cleaners at the Ace Hotel, 403 SW 10th, noon-6 pm, FREE
MONDAY, DECEMBER 16
MUSIC—The ice-cool rush of Holograms is hypersonic rock 'n' roll at its most energizing, with aggravated tunes that turn isolation and disillusionment into something worth celebrating. The Swedish foursome brings their post-punk chill to Holocene tonight, but you're guaranteed to end the night in a sweat. NL
w/TV Ghost, Arctic Flowers; Holocene, 1001 SE Morrison, 8:30 pm, $10-12
PEACOCK LANE—It's a little bit corny, but it's tradition: The lovely homes on Southeast Portland's Peacock Lane have boasted the most elaborate street of holiday decorations in town—since the 1920s. They even block it off for pedestrian-only access for the first two nights of viewing. Admire, stroll, and be glad your less-fancy address requires no such extraneous electricity charges. MS
SE Peacock Lane between SE Stark & Belmont, Sun Dec 15 & Mon Dec 16, 6-11 pm, FREE, full schedule at peacocklane.net
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 17
FILM (OPTION 1)—Every year, the Grindhouse Film Fest presents a 35mm print of the beloved Silent Night, Deadly Night—the 1984 slasher flick about a homicidal Santa! Ah, Silent Night, Deadly Night... could there ever be a better way to celebrate this yuletide season? Caroling with your neighbors? Decorating a tree? Serving up eggnog at a charity? Or, maybe, just maybe... EH
Hollywood Theatre, 4122 NE Sandy, 7:30 pm, $8
FILM (OPTION 2)—... Die Hard? When John McClane shows up for his wife's lame-ass work Christmas party, little does he know he'll soon be killing terrorists left and right! But whether you go with an ax-wielding Santa or a barefoot Bruce Willis, you'll choose wisely. There are no losers in this scenario. EH
Laurelhurst Theater, 2735 E Burnside, see Film Times, $4
