COMEDY—Your favorite purveyors of truly cracked, disgusting, and surreal sketch comedy are here: Tim and Eric in the fleshy flesh should be an awesome show (great job!) or total disaster, especially with Dr. Steve Brule in tow. The only question: Where to pre-func with shrimp and white wine? MS
Newmark Theatre, 1111 SW Broadway, 8 pm, $45.50, 16+

VARIETY SHOWWits is a live public radio show that aims to please. It delivers hella funny comedians (Jim Gaffigan), live music (the ever-wonderful Thao Nguyen), and a mélange of the two (the indescribable Reggie Watts). So buckle up, and get ready to be entertained. CF
w/host John Moe; Aladdin Theater, 3017 SE Milwaukie, 8 pm, $30-35 (hustle to find tickets), all ages


MUSIC—Time has seen fit to take many bands away from us (Nirvana, Morphine, Kris Kross) but thankfully the Breeders are alive and kicking. The Deal sisters' influence looms large over terrific new acts like PAWS and Courtney Barnett, but they're still a powerhouse to be reckoned with, so get up close and personal tonight—you little libertine. NL
w/the Neptunas; Wonder Ballroom, 128 NE Russell, 8:30 pm, $25-27

TBA—The annual mind expansion that is the Time-Based Art Fest is here! Kick it off right with a late-night performance with hiphop/electronic/dance duo THEESatisfaction, and come early and stay late to check out the onsite installations, food/booze options, and other things you'll need to start getting used to. MS
The Works at Fashion Tech, 2010 SE 8th, opens at noon, show at 10:30 pm, FREE


TECH & ART—One of the best events on Portland's calendar, the perpetually sold-out XOXO Festival is a melding of technology, art, media, booze, and everything else that's great. This year's guests include Community's Dan Harmon, feminist videogame scholar Anita Sarkeesian, Bandcamp's Ethan Diamond, and Welcome to Night Vale's Joseph Fink. Get excited, and try to figure out a way to get in. EH
The Redd, 831 SE Salmon, Thurs Sept 11- Sun Sept 14, $150-500,

MUSIC—Minneapolis hiphop duo Atmosphere have become an institution, having evolved and matured into intelligent, conscious musicmakers. Their latest, Southsiders, explores their roots, and the duo's MO couldn't be better summed up than in this line from their new track "Kanye West": "Put your hands in the air like you really do care." NL
w/Prof, Dem Atlas, DJ Fundo; Roseland, 8 NW 6th, 8 pm, $25 (sold out), all ages


MUSIC—It's a sad, sad, sad day in Portland, because Laura Gibson is moving to New York. But hold off on the wailing and gnashing of teeth, because Stumptown's favorite singer/songwriter is going to school and probably will only be gone for a couple of years. But those will be long, lonely years. Wish her bon voyage tonight. CF
w/Vikesh Kapoor; Mississippi Studios, 3939 N Mississippi, 7 pm, $10

DRAG—One of the flat-out standouts of last year's TBA Fest was the hilariously impressive Critical Mascara: A Post-Realness Drag Ball hosted by the always fabulous Pepper Pepper. Drag performers from all over the universe will be competing in such intriguing categories as "Fierce," "Shapeshifter Fantasy," "Next-Level Femme," and a crowd favorite for obvious reasons, the "Dance/Sweat/Vogue" dance-off! WSH
The Works at Fashion Tech, 2010 SE 8th, 10:30 pm, $8-10


COMEDYNeil Hamburger's Twitter trolling of dimwitted marketers for fast-food chains and department stores is reason enough to drop to your knees and bow before a comedy god. But don't stop there! His sweaty, awkward, scotch-soaked throwback stand-up act never, ever gets old. Especially if you show up ready to heckle him. We dare you. DCT
w/Major Entertainer Mike H; Doug Fir, 830 E Burnside, 9 pm, $14

FUNDRAISER—KBOO is a local treasure. But without your treasure (AKA cash), it can't mine musical esoterica and give a political voice to those who'd otherwise lack it. That's why today's annual book and record sale is such a big deal. Listeners donate their very best stuff to put up for sale, and it's totally worth checking out. DCT
Volunteers of America, 537 SE Alder, 9 am-4 pm, FREE, all ages


STORIES—Haters who say history can't be fun should be required to check out Stumptown Stories—tonight featuring Merc contributor Heather Arndt Anderson on Oregon's first orchard keepers (and free-love cultists!!), as well as Wicked Portland's Finn JD John, who will relay the sordid scandal involving our bridges, dirty money, and the KKK. WSH
Sellwood Public House, 8132 SE 13th, 7:30 pm, FREE

FILM—Since Robin Williams' passing, the Academy's been celebrating his filmography with a different film every week. Now they're screening Good Will Hunting, the film that features Robin at his most huggable ("It's not your fault.") and won him his Oscar for Best Supporting Actor. It also won Best Original Screenplay for its writers, Batman and Jason Bourne. BR
Academy Theater, 7818 SE Stark, see Movie Times, $3-4


SCIENCECSI is bullshit. Watching CSI while sober is bullshit. You wanna learn how crime scenes are really reconstructed? You wanna feel less like David Caruso and more like Will Graham? OMSI Science Pub features real crime-scene walkthroughs from a real reconstructionist, without all the Laffy Taffy-level one-liners. Oh yeah, and there's beer. BR
Crystal Ballroom, 1332 W Burnside, 7 pm, $5

SCIENCE—Ridiculously charming and even more ridiculously brilliant, Neil deGrasse Tyson is doing his damnedest to fight the good fight against scientific illiteracy. This week, the host of the new Cosmos is coming to the Schnitz for two nights. Hear that, Portlanders? Put down your new-age crystals for two seconds and get ready to learn some goddamn science. EH
Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall, 1037 SW Broadway, Tues Sept 16 & Wed Sept 17, 7:30 pm, $38.75-81.75, all ages