WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 17

MUSIC—If you want to witness a room overcome with a roof-raising combo of punk, funk, and soul, rest your eyes upon the joy that is Magic Mouth. And just when you think you've sweated all of the moisture out of your body, they turn it around with a slow jam to make you sweat in a different way. Don't miss 'em. WSH
w/Swahili; Mississippi Studios, 3939 N Mississippi, 9 pm, $10

MUSIC—The modern, moody sounds and angular haircuts of Phantogram make for a stylish good time. Of course it's not all fashion; they've got songwriting chops for miles (just try to get "Mouthful of Diamonds" out of your head once it's in there) and a polished, powerful live show that delivers. Because nobody wears leather pants to fail. MS
w/Wild Ones; Crystal Ballroom, 1332 W Burnside, 8 pm, sold out (wearing leather pants should help), all ages

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 18

MUSIC—It might take a bit of jamming and cramming, but push and shove your way into the tiny confines of Star Bar to hear the heavy, heavy fun-time sounds of Gaytheist. These smarty-pants are unyielding when it comes to playing punk-metal pop designed to raise the dead—so snuggle up close to your neighbor and commence thrashing. WSH
w/Polst; Star Bar, 639 SE Morrison, 9 pm, FREE

MUSIC—Lisa Schonberg's talents are many, and drums are perhaps foremost among them. So when she gathers her Secret Drum Band, it's time to listen, particularly when special guests like AU's Dana Valatka are joining her. Let's make some loud, secret noises, shall we? MS
w/Paper/Upper/Cuts, Ben Stoller; Mississippi Studios, 3939 N Mississippi, 9 pm, $6-8

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 19

HOLIDAY PARTY—Work in an office, but hate your parties? No office, and wish you had a party? Then don't miss our annual Portland Holiday Office Party, featuring you dressed in semi-business attire, dancey music from Ancient Heat and DJ Evil One, a makeout cubicle, a Xerox machine for photocopying private parts, and tons of BOOZE! (Attendance is mandatory!) WSH
Branx, 320 SE 2nd, 8 pm, $12-15

MUSIC—Give yourself the best present of all with a jam-packed evening of lovely local music. The Lower 48 offer tinsel streamers of Beatles-esque, harmony-laden pop, and Brownish Black can turn any Xmas bash into a soul shindig, while Moon by You's vintage psychedelia is the bow on top. NL
Doug Fir, 830 E Burnside,9 pm, $8-10

FILM—For her Fashion in Film series, the Mercury's Marjorie Skinner is screening 1992's Drew Barrymore erotic thriller Poison Ivy! Marjorie will be happy to tell attendees how Poison Ivy inspired all sorts of fashion trends; I'm happy to tell anyone how Poison Ivy gave 12-year-old me a massive crush on Barrymore—one that has yet to diminish in the slightest. EH
Hollywood Theatre, 4122 NE Sandy, 9:45 pm, $8

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 20

MUSIC—When Cool Breeze hit the stage, dancers hit the floor. Portland's quintessential party band, Malcolm Noble & Co. promise a raucous good time, playing covers of funky hits, pop, and soulful tunes that won't let your butt sit still. But be warned: They pack the hell out of the Spare Room whenever they play, so be prepared to wait your turn for a drink. CF
The Spare Room, 4830 NE 42nd, 9 pm, FREE

MUSIC—Lyrics are overrated, and there will be words enough when drunk Uncle Mitch gets to town. Spend that precious pre-holiday repose with two of Portland's best instrumental outfits. Tonight, go-go purveyors/neckerchief wearers the Satin Chaps and surf quartet the Apollo 4 unveil two hot Christmas tunes from their new 7-inch, then drop their hits. DVH
w/the Soul Mechanic; Kenton Club, 2025 N Kilpatrick, 9 pm, $5 ($10 w/record)

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 21

MUSIC—Some serious family time is coming up. Gird yourself with the go-go punk of Oakland's Shannon and the Clams, who put dollops of sticky-lollipop fun on top of the rock 'n' roll sounds of yesteryear. And don't miss Seattle's fantastic La Luz, who have been known to incite Soul Train-style dance parties with their smart, surf-party jangle. NL
Rotture, 315 SE 3rd, 9 pm, $12-14

FILM—Horror movies are generally awful—but every once in a while, one comes along that has the makings of a masterpiece. Which leads us to The Babadook, Jennifer Kent's Australian horror flick that's garnering both rave reviews and frantic shrieks of terror. See it as it should be seen: on the big screen in a dark room, with a bunch of strangers just as scared as you. EH
Living Room Theaters, 341 SW 10th, see Movie Times, $5-10

MONDAY, DECEMBER 22

HOLIDAY COMEDY—It's Gonna Be Okay! is Barbara Holm's semimonthly comedy showcase, and tonight's lineup is extra special. With appearances from Hutch Harris, Bri Pruett, Gabe Dinger, JoAnn Schinderle, Jason Andersen, and more; jaunty tunes from noted party animals the Doubleclicks; and the cutest comedy mascot around, it's going to be way better than okay! MB
East Burn, 1800 E Burnside, 8:30 pm, FREE

BLOODY FEET—Die Hard is maybe the most cathartic holiday movie ever made—and it demands to be seen on the big screen. A troubled New York cop mocks bougie LA, singlehandedly curses at and then thwarts (read: murders) non-Islamic terrorists, blows shit up, wins back his fancy wife, and then punches a reporter. He also talks about snack food with Carl Winslow, Steve Urkel's winsomely grumpy foil on Family Matters. DCT
Laurelhurst Theater, 2735 E Burnside, see Movie Times, $4

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 23

VARIETY SHOW—If you like your Christmas campy and full of performative joy, Tony Starlight's your man. Featuring impressions of Dean Martin, Bing Crosby, and Neil Diamond, It's a Tony Starlight Christmas unites Christmas carols and comedy in tonight's Vegas-style holiday variety show. Start rehearsing your holly-jollies now! MB
The Tony Starlight Showroom, 1125 SE Madison, 7:30 pm, $25-74, tonystarlight.com for more showtimes

FILM—The holidays are full of traditions... putting up lights, drinking egg nog with friends, watching Santa brutally murder people with an ax. Every year, the Hollywood shows the 1984 classic holiday film Silent Night, Deadly Night, so go bask in the cheery glow of an antisocial St. Nick who's hell-bent on murder. Happy holidays! CF
Hollywood Theatre, 4122 NE Sandy, 7:30 pm, $8