COMICS—Thanks to righteous shark-punching action in Aquaman, a Dark Knight who's actually fun in Batman '66, and the Portland-set mystery of Bucko, Jeff Parker is one of the best, funniest writers in comics. Tonight, he'll be signing his brand-new Shazam! and Hawkman comics, and putting up with all my super-important questions, like how I can become a hawkman. ERIK HENRIKSEN
Things from Another World, 2916 NE Broadway, 6-9 pm, FREE

MUSIC & BURRITOS—Ever see a great band and think, "The only way this could be better is if I had a fat, hot burrito in my hand"? Well, DREAM NO MORE. Thanks to KPSU, excellent punk-anthem architects Divers are playing a free show with new band Sancho (featuring members of Your Rival) at PSU's on-campus burrito joint, so stuff your mouth and your ears. NED LANNAMANN
w/Said Goner; Loco Locos Burritos, 1728 SW Broadway, 7 pm, FREE, all ages


COMEDY—Husband and wife and comedians Nick Offerman and Megan Mullally are delight incarnate. Their new touring show is called Summer of 69: No Apostrophe, and it'll be chockablock with mustached funnies, musical numbers, and ribaldry from Park and Rec's funniest tumultuous couple. COURTNEY FERGUSON
Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall, 1037 SW Broadway, 8 & 10:30 pm, $48.50, all ages


MUSIC—It's the end of an era for the Portland Cello Project, being that tonight's show marks the last for founding member and artistic director Doug Jenkins. Surely the group has many days of cello-fied Kanye West and Justin Timberlake tunes in front of them, but Jenkins has earned himself a right warm send-off. Be there! MARJORIE SKINNER
Revolution Hall, 1300 SE Stark, #110, 8 pm, $15-20, all ages


GET DOWN—Let's celebrate body-rockin' DJ party Bubblin' at its five-year anniversary, and... wait... going-away party? NOOOOOO! Bubblin' will go out in style with special guests (and Daft Punk collaborator) Todd Edwards, Kahn (one of Bristol UK's finest producers and DJs), as well as Ben Tactic and Lincolnup. It'll be a night to remember, and a night for remembering. WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY
Holocene, 1001 SE Morrison, 9 pm, $12

COMEDY—America's favorite grumpy uncle Norm Macdonald's made an entire career out of saying things on talk shows that make appearances from your average junket-fresh actor look beyond dull by comparison. With off-kilter, draconian wit and unapologetically misanthropic tendencies, Macdonald's the most loveable of loose cannons, and tonight, you can witness his cranky brilliance for yourself! MEGAN BURBANK
Helium Comedy Club, 1510 SE 9th, Thurs 8 pm, Fri-Sat 7:30 & 10 pm, Sun 7 pm, $33-43


SOCCER—In Major League Soccer, any game could be the start of something special. So what better way to turn around the Portland Timbers' thus-far-ho-hum season than to humiliate the Western Conference's best squad, the Vancouver Whitecaps, under the lights at Providence Park? Punish the Canadians. DIRK VANDERHART
Providence Park, 1844 SW Morrison, 7:30 pm, $28 & up, all ages

MUSIC—This show sounds like it's going to be a whole lot of noise. Here are some of the descriptors the three local bands—Hustle and Drone, Psychomagic, and Talkative—use to describe themselves: "beat heavy," "fuzzed out" (who knew that was even a thing?), "noise duo," and "mentally and aurally intensive." SHELBY R. KING
Doug Fir, 830 E Burnside, 9 pm, $12


FILM—How to describe the thrilling, horrifying Roar, a long-forgotten cinematic debacle from 1981 in which hundreds of untamed lions and tigers attempt to eat Tippi Hedren's real-life family? How about this: In every single scene, you're pretty sure someone's going to get eaten by a lion. No one does, though! OR DO THEY. ERIK HENRIKSEN
Hollywood Theatre, 4122 NE Sandy, Sat May 2-Sun May 3, 7 pm, $8

MUSIC—Exclamations from Merc News Editor Dirk VanderHart about the reunited Diplomats show at the Roseland: "Dipset! Dipset! Dipset!... that's what they like to yell." Other Dirk Fun Facts™: Cam'ron is a big fan of the color pink and Jim Jones bench-presses a lady in a video. Go yell "Dipset!" at the crew of longtime hiphoppers, especially during their classic "Hey Ma." DIRK VANDERHART, AS TOLD TO COURTNEY FERGUSON
Roseland, 8 NW 6th, 8 pm, $25, all ages


BIKES—Jump into your spandex, climb on your bikes, and race your heart out in the Monday Night PIR Bike Race Series. This flat, two-mile track is the perfect way to test your skills, and there are separate events for all skill levels—from novice, to "Holy crap, that person is burning rubber!" Don't forget your helmet! WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY
Portland International Raceway, 1940 N Victory, Mondays through Aug 31, register at, $15 entry fee, FREE to watch

FILM—For being the smartest guy in the Marvel universe, Tony Stark sure is stupid. Hey, genius! Maybe don't build a megalomaniacal murder-bot? Maybe don't rely on Hulk and Black Widow and Thor and Cap and Hawkeye to clean up your mess? UGH. Joss Whedon's Avengers: Age of Ultron promises to be an astute, nuanced study of Tony Stark's catastrophic idiocy. ERIK HENRIKSEN
Every theater ever on Earth, see Movie Times for a billion different showtimes


MUSIC—The triumphant return of beloved Olympians turned Portlanders Sleater-Kinney is super sold out, so here's what you do: Post up across W Burnside from the Crystal, turn your face up to those massive ballroom windows, and just listen to the damn thing from the street. Sometimes the sound quality's nearly as good from this perch, and it's typically less bouncy. DIRK VANDERHART
w/THEEsatisfaction; Crystal Ballroom, 1332 W Burnside, 8 pm, sold out, all ages

MUSIC—The lineup for the next installment of Red Bull Sound Select is, unsurprisingly, stellar: Deerhoof headline, with deliciously disorienting art-adventure rock, and they're joined by Portland's great, powerful Summer Cannibals, and easy-breezy garage-rock from Seattle's Killer Ghost. NED LANNAMANN
Dante's, 350 W Burnside, 9 pm, $12 ($3 w/RSVP at