MUSIC—The globetrotting Loch Lomond haven't headlined a hometown show in forever, but the folk-pop ensemble returns, wielding their dynamic arrangements and songwriter Ritchie Young's haunting confections. A new album, Pens from Spain, is due out next year, so they'll no doubt charm us with some unheard material. NED LANNAMANN
w/Edna Vazquez; Mississippi Studios, 3939 N Mississippi, 9 pm, $10

BOOKS—Nobody writes like Portland's own Sara Jaffe. Tonight, the onetime guitarist for Erase Errata and co-founder of New Herring Press makes her novel debut with Dryland. The chronicle of a teenage girl in Portland circa 1992, it reads like My So-Called Life's Angela Chase cut with Annie Dillard, plus something all Jaffe's own. MEGAN BURBANK
Powell's City of Books, 1005 W Burnside, 7:30 pm, FREE


RIOT GRRRLS—Even if you don't think you've been directly influenced by the Riot Grrrl movement, chances are excellent you've been influenced by someone who has. Alien She promises an overview of its multimedia ripple effect, and while it was originally curated for Carnegie Mellon, one can't help but feel like it's finally come home. MARJORIE SKINNER
Museum of Contemporary Craft, 724 NW Davis, through Jan 9, FREE

MUSIC—The Oregon Symphony's free annual waterfront concert returns, with an afternoon-long music fest followed by the symphony's program of classical music's greatest hits, complete with fireworks! Bring a blanket and get ready for Holst's "Mars" (planets!), Bizet's Carmen (bullfighters!), and Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture (cannons!). NED LANNAMANN
Tom McCall Waterfront Park, 1020 Naito, 1 pm afternoon music fest, 7 pm symphony concert, FREE, all ages


MUSIC—Happy Bey Day! Rejoice, for Queen Beyoncé lives to see another year of being absolutely perfect. Dress accordingly for this dance night of drunk'n love, as DJs Ronin Roc and Holla n Oates spin the very best from Yonce. Woe unto you if you don't bring a present for your majesty—I recommend some sweet booty popping. COURTNEY FERGUSON
Holocene, 1001 SE Morrison, 8 pm, $10

BOOKS & ART—Bookstore/gallery Reading Frenzy is old enough to order a cocktail with dinner! To celebrate, they've invited 21 artists to show work at tonight's b-day party, including the wonderful Kate Bingaman-Burt and Lisa Congdon, with limited-edition prints available (in editions of 21, OMG DEAD FROM CUTENESS). Raise a glass to one of our most delightful independent bookstores! MEGAN BURBANK
Reading Frenzy, 3628 N Mississippi, 6 pm, FREE


DANCE NIGHT—One of the hottest queer dance nights in Portland is also the hottest soul dance night in Portland. It's Sugar Town's Carnival of Soul—an evening devoted to classic ass-shaking soul music, featuring the deep crates of DJ Action Slacks, and tonight, special guest DJ the Marvelous Miss Meghan. Let's end summer in the hottest way imaginable. WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY
The Spare Room, 4830 NE 42nd, 9 pm, $5

COMEDY—Pop culture chews people up and spits 'em out—so when someone sticks around, like "Weird Al" Yankovic, it's because they're pretty goddamn great. Weird Al was my first concert, the first person I wrote a fan letter to (he sent back an autographed picture!), and—years later—his music is still as witty, good-hearted, and catchy as ever. ERIK HENRIKSEN
Oregon Zoo, 4001 SW Canyon, Sat-Sun 7 pm, $35-60 (sold out), all ages


DRAG PAGEANT—Darcelle, the grand dame of Portland drag, returns with another visually stunning and hilariously fabulous installment of the La Femme Magnifique Pageant. Gorgeously attired contestants strut their hot stuff in categories such as "Black & White," evening gown, talent, and Las Vegas showgirl—all vying for the coveted crown of the most glamorous female impersonator in the world! WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY
Oregon Convention Center, 777 NE MLK, 6 pm, $35

BIKE PUB CRAWL—Ignore the Tour de Lab's lamentable talk of all the "doggerific people" who'll be participating—you're signing up for this year's event to ride your bike (19- or 41-mile courses), drink (pub stops!), eat hot dogs, and kick some money to the DoveLewis Emergency Animal Hospital. Simple. DIRK VANDERHART
Starts at Lucky Lab Brew Pub, 915 SE Hawthorne, 8 am check-in, $39


FILM—Labor Day is the perfect day to rewatch Terry Gilliam's Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas (1998): Crazy journalist Raoul Duke (eye-popped Johnny Depp) and his psycho attorney, Dr. Gonzo (Benicio Del Toro) take a suitcase full of drugs to Vegas to cover a motorcycle race. They don't serve drugs at the Academy, but they do serve beer, which is probably safer and definitely cheaper. SHELBY R. KING
Academy Theater, 7818 SE Stark, 9:55pm, $4

MUSIC—With Pacific Northwest roots almost as long as trees, the Melvins remain one of the hardest working legends out there today. They're about to release a long-lost album from '98 with godheadSilo's Mike Kunka, so you might be in for something you've never seen them play before. MARJORIE SKINNER
w/Big Business; Wonder Ballroom, 128 NE Russell, 9 pm, $20-22, all ages


ADOPTION—If you feel out of touch with the youth of today, there's a solution: Adopt some Iraqi war orphans! True, adopting Iraqi war orphans can be a complicated, confusing process—but tonight, international adoption expert Jonathan Franzen is in town to answer any questions you might have about all those papers, passports, legal fees, and other ins-and-outs that come with adopting Iraqi war orphans! He will also be answering questions about Twitter. ERIK HENRIKSEN
Powell's Books at Cedar Hills Crossing, 3415 SW Cedar Hills, Beaverton, 7 pm, FREE (Iraqi war orphan swap afterward in parking lot)

MUSIC—I don't know what real-life dam funk sounds like (gurgle? Hiss? Salmon squirrrrt? Algae noise!), but LA funkmeister Dam-Funk (Damon Riddick to his soul mother) sounds like an all-night love session at Dr. Frankenfunk's laboratory. In other words, groovy. Go catch his funky fresh beats for a surefire way to beat your deep purple funk. COURTNEY FERGUSON
w/Bobby D; Doug Fir, 830 E Burnside, 9 pm, $13-15