MUSIC—Patterson Hood, the vaunted Drive-By Truckers frontman, has taken to spending winters in the Doug Fir. He's playing two early Wednesday shows this month in the woodsy basement cave as an annual residency of sorts. Give him some Portland cheer on this, his first night. COURTNEY FERGUSON
w/Thayer Sarrano; Doug Fir, 830 E Burnside, 6:45 pm, $13-15

MUSIC—Got a case of tingly need-to-cut-loose feet? Let Health take care of you with their patent-pending Healthcare program of treating itchy watusi tootsies. Channel your inner Health goth and dance yourself clean to the LA band's Skinny Puppy-meets-Erasure-in-a-dark alley brand of electronica. Here's to your Health, my friend. COURTNEY FERGUSON
w/Pictureplane, Ian Hicks; Holocene,1001 SE Morrison, 8:30 pm, $12-14


COMEDY—Portland stand-up Nathan Brannon is funny as hell. He's been crowned BOTH Portland's Funniest Person and champion of the Seattle International Comedy Competition, and opened for the likes of Maria Bamford and Dave Chappelle. Brannon's politically edged humor is always among the best. MEGAN BURBANK
Helium Comedy Club, 1510 SE 9th, 8 pm, $10-18

MUSIC—If you like your holiday swinging with a dose of cocktails, check out It's a Tony Starlight Christmas, in which Portland's fave crooner is joined by a rat pack of talented singers to perform classic holiday hits(and comedy) in the style of Frank, Dino, Liza, Bing, and more. WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY
Tony Starlight Showroom, 1125 SE Madison, 7:30 pm, $25


MUSIC—The Stumptown Soul Holiday Spectacular is aptly named, with a huge roster of the city's best musicians—Ural Thomas, Michael Quinby, and Reggie Houston among them. Plus, proceeds go to benefit the good work being done over at Shriners Hospital. Feel the spirit! MARJORIE SKINNER
Star Theater, 13 NW 6th, 7:30 pm, $15

MUSIC—I'm not known for my music knowledge around the Merc, but that's because I'm old and I like stuff like Billy Gibbons. Best known for his guitar contributions in ZZ Top and his beard, Gibbons is much, much more than that. He was named one of the top 100 guitarists by Rolling Stone, and if you want to hear some amazing blues and stunning guitar work, go see him! SHELBY R. KING
Tyler Bryant and the Shakedown; Revolution Hall, 1300 SE Stark, 8 pm, $49.50-55


MUSIC—What's that in the distance? Why, it's a punk rock magical sleigh ride fresh from Seattle! Flying both Wimps and Kinski to a thrashing good time at Kill Rock Stars' holiday bash in an old bowling alley. It's a Christmas miracle! DIRK VANDERHART
w/Deep Fried Boogie Band; The Spare Room, 4830 NE 42nd, 9 pm, $10

300 TUBAS!—Three hundred tubas will be performing at the Tuba Christmas Concert! Frankly, I'd go see 300 of just about anything perform (except bagpipes and bucket drummers), but if you're talking about 300 tubas playing holiday songs? That actually makes the holidays 300 percent less of a drag. WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY
Pioneer Courthouse Square, SW 6th & Morrison, 1:30-3 pm, FREE, all ages

MUSIC—Tonight's jam-packed bennie for the Legacy Oregon Burn Center is the very definition of "good cause." And with rockin' local greats like Blue Skies for Black Hearts, the Pynnacles, the Cool Whips, and A TON more, there's no excuse not to pay the puny cover and do your part. NED LANNAMANN
w/Maremoto, Beyond Veronica, the Reverberations & more; Kenton Club, 2025 N Kilpatrick, 8 pm, $5


STORIES—The calendar is chockablock with storytelling events, so it's nice to know when there's a well-curated iteration. The Mystery Box qualifies with its tight focus (sex!) and thorough vetting of its (semi-secret) guests, like returning guest Hutch Harris from the Thermals! MARJORIE SKINNER
Alberta Rose Theatre, 3000 NE Alberta, 7 pm, $20-25

SHOPPING—Forget Black Friday! Portland's many holiday markets are where it's at for all your festive gifting needs, and the Portland Bazaar may be the nicest of all, with local vendors like Olympia Provisions, MadeHere PDX, Golden Rule Design, and more selling all the clothes, snacks, booze, and home goods you could possibly desire. MEGAN BURBANK
Jacobsen Salt, 602 SE Salmon, Sat-Sun 10 am-4 pm, FREE

MUSIC—Hailing from the magical-sounding Dripping Springs, Texas, troubadour Israel Nash turns trudging folk-rock on its ear by spiking it with druggy comet-trail dust. Tonight the songwriter comes to earth with a magnetic set with his watertight backing band. NED LANNAMAN
w/Anthony D'Amato; Doug Fir, 830 E Burnside, 8 pm, $10-12


MUSIC—Sounding like the best of a classic rock station, Sweden's Graveyard takes Janis Joplin, Led Zeppelin, the Rolling Stones, and all your favorite guitar riffs, mixes them in a blender made of kick-ass, and commands you to defy their foot-stomping enticements. Their distinctive sound has never been more apparent than on their newest album, Innocence & Decadence. Rock out! COURTNEY FERGUSON
Wonder Ballroom 128 NE Russell, 8:30 pm, $16-18

FILM—In a country with one boring-ass version of Santa Claus, it's nice to be reminded that in other countries, Santa can be fucking scary. And thus: 2010's Finnish horror-comedy Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale, a cult favorite in which a dumb little kid discovers the sinister truth behind Christmas. In short: Santa's coming for you. ERIK HENRIKSEN
Laurelhurst Theater, 2735 E Burnside, 9:40 pm, $4


MUSIC—A decade after Will Sheff and his Okkervil River compatriots released the classic Black Sheep Boy, they've been taking the old girl on a spin through the country. True, it's just Sheff who'll be showing up to the Doug Fir's betimbered cellar this evening. Sheff's enough. DIRK VANDERHART
Doug Fir, 830 E Burnside, 9 pm, $20

PEACOCK LANE—FUCK YEAH, MOTHERFUCKERS! All year long, we fucking wait, and it's finally fucking here. Peacock Lane opens to the public tonight, and it's going to be FUCKING NUTS! LIGHTS, LIGHTS, LIGHTS! Your eyes will probably BURN OUT OF YOUR SKULL. You will probably get a SUNBURN. You will probably DIE from a CHRISTMAS ORGASM. Oh, and what's that? A motherfucking cocoa booth with free motherfucking cocoa and also cider that is accepting donations of cash and canned goods with the cash going to Make-a-Wish? TIME TO DO IT UP, PORTLAND! PEACOCK LAAAAAAAANE! RIDE OR DIE, MOTHERFUCKERS! ERIK HENRIKSEN
Peacock Lane, between SE Stark & Belmont, through Dec 31, 6-11 pm, cocoa booth through Dec 24, 6 pm or until sold out, FREE