MUSIC—Tonight's (free!) Ear Candy features a bevy of expert sound manipulators: Ali Muhareb's colorful electronic rhythms incorporate global sounds and art-skewed dynamics; Hands In's homegrown pop transposes lo-fi hooks onto enormous canvases; and Strange Wool's garage vibes marry murk and mystery. NED LANNAMANN
Mississippi Studios, 3939 N Mississippi, 9 pm, FREE

COMEDY—Just in time for Christmas, Portland's jauntiest Bible reader, comedian Dan Weber, hosts what promises to be the most irreverent Bible study ever, with beloved Portland stand-ups—Amy Miller, Caitlin Weierhauser, Nariko Ott, Kristine Levine, and New York-bound Danny Felts among them—on hand to interpret the word of the lord. MEGAN BURBANK
Helium Comedy Club, 1510 SE 9th, 8 pm, $8-16


VISUAL ART—For six years, Northeast Portland art space Xhurch (it used to be a church, get it?) has hosted an alternative to the seasonal plastic-Jesus-in-the-yard routine with the art installation NTVTY, which this year eschews ye olde Santa snow globes for "programmable LEDs, laser lights, two-way mirrors, and virtual reality headsets." What, like you have something better to do today? MEGAN BURBANK
Xhurch, 4550 NE 20th, 7-9 pm, Wed-Fri, FREE

FILM—After jabbing a shot of adrenalin into the heart of the western with Django Unchained, Quentin Tarantino returns with The Hateful Eight. He shot his eagerly awaited epic on 70mm, framing each shot in a gorgeous, ultra-wide ratio known as Ultra Panavision 70. The only place in Portland you can see the film as Tarantino intended? The Hollywood Theatre. ERIK HENRIKSEN
Hollywood Theatre, 4122 NE Sandy, 6 pm, $12-15


DANCE—It's over! And after anxiously wondering whether your ingrate nephews would like their gifts, choking down your mom's substandard champagne, and the friendless disappointment of grandma's decision to cook ham, there aren't many better options than to lose yourself in a boatload of the sweetest music of all time. So: Soul Dance Party! DIRK VANDERHART
w/DJ Rev Shines, Hippie Joe; Goodfoot, 2845 SE Stark, 9 pm, $5

FILM—Today is America's most cherished holiday—Christmas, when we celebrate the fuck out of capitalism. And what better way to do so than by watching a movie about how irredeemably busted capitalism is? The latest from Anchorman's Adam McKay, The Big Short stars Ryan Gosling, Steve Carell, Christian Bale, and Brad Pitt going up against corrupt big banks. God bless us, every one. ERIK HENRIKSEN
Various Theaters, see Film Times for locations and showtimes.


COMEDY—Comedian Matt Braunger often returns to his Portland hometown to feast on holiday food with his family... and wow appreciative audiences with funny-ass stand-up. He's one of the co-founders of the Bridgetown Comedy Fest, and his sets are goofy and likeable, and they kill! He'll sleigh you. (Too late for terrible holiday jokes?) COURTNEY FERGUSON
w/Sean Jordan; Mississippi Studios, 3939 N Mississippi, 9 pm, $18-20

BLAZERS—Basketball fans, you're getting a late Christmas present! Santa brought you a Bron-Bron for all you b-ball-loving boys and girls. You just have to attend tonight's Blazers vs. Cleveland Cavaliers game. I mean, LeBron James may not be the best player in the league right now, but it still means something when you whup his ass. BOBBY ROBERTS
Moda Center, 1 Center Court, 7 pm, $75 & up, all ages


MUSIC—Now that the dishes are clean and the tinsel's put away, it's time to get the eff outta the house. Cure your holiday hangover with a terrific local bill including the fractured but cozy rock tunes of Helvetia, and a very special acoustic performance from folk-punk party starters And And And! NED LANNAMANN
w/Neighbor Wave; Rontoms, 600 E Burnside, 9 pm, FREE

HOCKEY—If you haven't been to a Winterhawks game lately, we humbly suggest you change that. Tickets are cheap, seats are plentiful, and a birdman might just shoot T-shirts at you. Plus hockey's strangely alluring live, and they fight a lot. DIRK VANDERHART
Moda Center, 1 Center Court, 5 pm, $10-55, all ages


FILM—As part of their Orson Welles at 100 series, the NW Film Center is taking Portlanders through some of Welles' best-known—and least-known—films. Tonight they've got his stone-cold classic from 1958, Touch of Evil, starring Charlton Heston and Janet Leigh—if you've never seen this noir on the big screen, don't miss it. ERIK HENRIKSEN
NW Film Center's Whitsell Auditorium, 1219 SW Park, Sat at 4:30 pm, Mon at 7 pm, $9


FILMS—Starring Jennifer Lawrence as a self-made business lady/inventor (fuck yeah!), David O. Russell's Joy is a surreal, fairy tale-adjacent delight that'll make you forget the final terrible Hunger Games movies were ever made. Hate whimsy? YOU'RE ALSO IN LUCK! Todd Haynes' Carol finally brings confirmed Grand Dame of Suspense Patricia Highsmith's forgotten(ish) lesbian pulp to the screen, featuring fictional power couple Cate Blanchett and Rooney Mara. Set phasers to Oscar buzz! MEGAN BURBANK
Various Theaters, see