EDIBLE—You are too lazy to cook a feast and even if you did, your friends likely wouldn't eat it... even if you had friends. So be thankful for the Doug Fir's Thanksgiving Feast, providing almost all you need. Maybe even friends. PAC

Doug Fir, 830 E Burnside, noon–close, $22 ($12 for children 12 & under)

INEDIBLE—If you want something to do on Turkey Day that doesn't (and shouldn't, despite the name) have anything to do with food, burn some calories with Peaches. Her latest, I Feel Cream, is croonier than usual, but you know she can still fuck the pain away like a rock star. MS

Wing Week Is Back - 10/4 - 10/10
24 locations offering 6 wings for only $6!
Hood River Hops Fest is back!
With 40 fresh-hop beers, food, and live music! See you on October 2nd!

Wonder Ballroom, 128 NE Russell, 8 pm, $20-25, all ages

LET US CELEBRATE SHAOLIN—You know what? Thanksgiving dinner can go screw, because the best—indeed, the only—way to give thanks for all of our "blessings" is to zombie out on kung fu for six hours! The Clinton Street Theater's annual Thanksgiving Kung Fu Mini-Marathon returns this year, with a mere $5 getting you six hours of over-the-top chop-socky action—including a screening of Black Dynamite! EH

Clinton Street Theater, 2522 SE Clinton, 6 pm-midnight (Black Dynamite at 9 pm), $5


SANTA VS. VEGANS—Bright and early, Mr. Claus and his beloved friends will take to SW Broadway in a merry march celebrating Macy's and shopping and family and reindeer and Macy's. But, alas, all is not well in this winter wonderland. Two hours later, a "family-friendly" anti-fur march will follow in Santa's golden footsteps, casting shame on downtown retailers. SHAAAAAAME! SM

Macy's parade begins at 8:45 am, NW Park & Davis; Fur Free Friday march begins 11:30 am, SW Yamhill & Broadway

LAFFS—Sketch troupe the 3rd Floor brings reliable laughs to the holiday season, with an annual holiday show that promises "little to nothing to do with the holidays." This year's show is called "Whiskey-Powered Taco Fight." (Or: The Best Christmas Ever.) AH

Miracle Theatre, 525 SE Stark, Fri-Sat 8 pm, $12 ($2 off with two cans of food), through Dec 26


HELIO INFREQUENTS—The Helio Sequence's Keep Your Eyes Ahead was one of the most beautiful local releases of 2008, and certainly their greatest recorded accomplishment to date. They rarely play in town, though, so don't miss this chance to catch them before the next long wait. MS

w/Panther, Ramona Falls; Crystal Ballroom, 1332 W Burnside, 8 pm, $16, all ages

SMASHY SMASHY!—It ends here, watermelon. You've been lying around getting fat as the "king of the melons" for far too long. Tonight you will meet your violent fate at the blunt end of Gallagher's swinging sledgehammer. Honestly, I'm not sure what else the aging comedian does other than destroy produce, but any event in which the first few rows are required to wear slickers will always be endorsed by this fine publication. EAC

Aladdin Theater, 3017 SE Milwaukie, 8 pm, $25-30, all ages


SHOP—Both the Secret Society Ballroom and the Cleaners will be hosting fantastic craft sales featuring local handmade art, jewelry, and all things crafty. Boycott the mall and stock up on unique holiday gifts while simultaneously bolstering your community. Good job, you. RN

Secret Society Ballroom, 116 NE Russell, Sun 11 am-5 pm; The Cleaners at the Ace Hotel, 1022 SW Stark, Sat 11 am-7 pm, Sun 11 am-5 pm

YOU WHO TWO—New monthly kids' variety show You Who returns for its second installment, hosted by Jesse Sandoval with music by Quasi, the Portland Ukulele Project, and Vursatyl, plus cartoons from Cartune Xprez—with costumes, parades, and more, You Who is way more fun that you ever had as a kid. NL

w/DJ Anjali; Kennedy School, 5736 NE 33rd, 1 pm, $10 adults w/children, $5 children ages 2-12, FREE for children 2 & under ($15 adults without children)


TWO'S A CROWD—For a mere two people, Japandroids make one hell of a huge sound: soaring, fist-pumping rock anthems driven by punk energy and a sense of classic rock grandeur. The Vancouver, BC's first full-length, Post-Nothing, is a tumbling, rapid-fire rock record that doesn't scrimp on melody. NL

w/Surfer Blood, Little Girls, DJ Vision Quest; Holocene, 1001 SE Morrison, 8:30 pm, $8-10

MOZ—Morrissey is living the dream of many a sad hipster: He's turned self-loathing into a career. Not only that, but he's 100 percent swoon worthy. Respect. AH

Roseland, 8 NW 6th, 8 pm, $49.50, all ages


HOOPS—Not to be confused with Dwayne Wayne of A Different World, Dwayne Wade is arguable the best player in the NBA. Tonight Wade will be bringing his mediocre Miami Heat to town to rumble with Brandon Roy and the Portland Trail Blazers. The winning team gets a pair of flip-up sunglasses. EAC

Rose Garden, 1 Center Ct, 7 pm, $9-150, broadcast on KGW

CHAMPAGNE—Pix is giving the Don Ho treatment to the month of December by celebrating those fantastic libations with tiny bubbles that tickle the nose. Kick off their month-long Bubbly Spectacular tonight with $5 pours of some truly top-notch bubbly. PAC

Pix Patisserie, 3901 N Williams, 5 pm-midnight, FREE


WISE UP—Three storytelling groups team up for a holiday-themed extravaganza of true tales told live; Back Fence PDX, Mortified, and True Stories present Word to the Wise(men) tonight, a wordy winter wonderland of embarrassing personal accounts and festive anecdotes. Hosted by Adam Shearer, with musical guest John Roderick of the Long Winters. Did we mention free Saint Cupcakes? AR

Bagdad Theater, 3702 SE Hawthorne, 7:30 pm, $12-15, 21+

NAKED—White Bird is one of Portland's reliably great dance companies. The human form is the greatest argument for a divine creator and/or the majesty of evolution. These are sample arguments you can employ when going to see Daniel Léveillé's naked dance show tonight. Who said cultural enrichment can't come from a stranger's butt? DB

Leftbank Annex, 101 N Weidler, Wed Dec 2-Sun Dec 6, 8 pm, Sun Dec 6, 2 pm, $26