THURSDAY, DECEMBER 23

PROCRASTINATE—If you're the type to wait until the very last possible minute to buy presents, I'm going to surprise you by saying you're not fucked. The Crafty Wonderland pop-up store has something charming and perfect for everyone. And tonight, during their happy hour there will be nerve-soothing booze, too! MS
Crafty Wonderland Pop-Up Shop, 802 SW 10th, 5-7 pm

Don't Miss Portland's Newest Shopping Event, Dec 4&5
Discover 140 of the best local brands, designers & artists + free drinks, photo booth fun & fab holiday vibes!
The Moth Mainstage Returns to Portland on December 14
Join Literary Arts and The Moth at the Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall for an inspiring night of true stories, told live.
Elf-The Musical at Lakewood Theatre Company
Nov. 5 - Dec. 19 | Kick off the holiday season with the famed musical about Buddy the Elf!

RALPHIEEE!—It's never too soon to be sick of Christmas. The incessant music. The forced family bonding. But there are some things (namely, two things) to celebrate about Christmas: Ralphie's epic troubles in A Christmas Story and Chevy Chase in Christmas Vacation (actual tagline: "Yule Crack Up!"). Enjoy both tonight, with a side of beer, vegan soup, and no family at the Waypost's Double Feature Thursday. SM
The Waypost, 3120 N Williams, 7 pm, FREE

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 24

PSYCHEDELI-CATHOLIC—Swim in a sea of holiday lights at Portland's very own Catholic sanctuary. Since the 1980s, the Grotto—AKA that place near the airport with the giant crucifix—has offered heathens and believers alike a trippy glimpse of the Christmas spirit, laying out a landscape of multicolored cherubs and religious icons, with renowned choral groups singing alongside them. Dress warmly. DCT
The Grotto, 8840 NE Skidmore, 5-9:30 pm, $8

DISCO XMAS—If you're too excited to sleep because of Santa's imminent arrival, then dance yourself into exhaustion at the 2 Santas, One Club Disco Night at Beauty Bar! DJs Remy the Restless and Lionsden will be on hand to spin the most ass-shaking disco dancers—and if you wear your ugly Xmas sweater? Cheap dranks, y'all! WSH
Beauty Bar, 111 SW Ash, 10 pm, FREE

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 25

BLOW—Phew, you've gotten Christmas out of the way. Time to blow off some steam at Blow Pony, the hottest queer dance party in town. DJs Airick, Kinetic, Yer Momm, Trans Fat, Ill Camino, and Jodi Bon Jodi will make sure that by the end of the night you've shaken off all of those holiday shackles. NL
Rotture, 315 SE 3rd, 9 pm, $5

ABIDE—"Way out west there was this fella... fella I wanna tell you about. Fella by the name of Jeff Lebowski... Sometimes there's a man, well, he's the man for his time and place." Be like the Dude, wear your bathrobe and careful, man, 'cause you'll be drinking Caucasians all night long. CF
Clinton Street Theater, 2522 SE Clinton, Fri Dec 24-Thurs Dec 30, 7 & 9:15 pm, $4-6

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 26

KARAOKE—Keep the cheer alive at a special holiday installment of the best karaoke night in town. The boys of Baby Ketten promise a "hi-fi dance party holiday sweater karaoke sing off special!" Christmas, as it was meant to be celebrated. AH
Mississippi Studios, 3939 N Mississippi, 8 pm, FREE

RHINESTONES AND CHEST HAIR—Tony Starlight's Supperclub & Lounge presents its very own cure for the post-Christmas (song sung) blues: a holiday-themed tribute to Neil Diamond, featuring 30 hit songs by America's answer to Leonard Cohen and no fewer than five glittering, flowing, and revealing costumes. DCT
Tony Starlight's Supperclub & Lounge, 3728 NE Sandy, 7 pm, $15

MONDAY, DECEMBER 27

JUMP!—To celebrate a third of a century of high-flying physical theater, Do Jump! present highlights from their 33 1/3 years, including bits from the Chagall-inspired At Such a Dizzy Height, their touring show Do Jump, and more. Bring the kids—it's a surefire tot-pleaser. AH
Echo Theatre, 1515 SE 37th, 231-1232, 7:30 pm, $20-32, through Jan 2, dojump.org

LET'S GO COEN—Any new Coen Brothers movie is a cause for celebration, but True Grit looks like it could be one of their best! Check out this remake of the 1969 classic western featuring Jeff Bridges (taking on John Wayne's role of Rooster Cogburn) as he helps a precocious orphan track down her father's killer. WSH
Various theaters, see Movie Times for theaters and showtimes

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 28

BROS ICING BROS—Nothing could be better in the dregs of the holiday season than to take in a furious-paced game between your Portland Winterhawks and the generically named Tri-City Americans. Sure, you probably don't know Ty Rattie from Nino Niederreiter, but the Hawks offer all the excitement of their basketball neighbors the Blazers, but with cheaper tickets and a chance to see someone spill some blood on the ice. Plus, the zamboni. Never forget the zamboni. EAC
Memorial Coliseum, 300 Winning Way, 7 pm, $12.75-50.50

BANNED ART—What art could be too gay for the Smithsonian? Artist David Wojnarowicz's video A Fire in My Belly, which the museum nixed from a show in November after House Speaker John Boehner protested. Luckily, Portland's Institute for Contemporary Art isn't too keen on Catholics deciding what art we can consume—they're showing Fire in My Belly on a constant loop until February 13. SM
PICA Resource Room, 224 NW 13th, #305, 10 am-5 pm, through Feb 11, FREE

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 29

WET HUMP—Get over your hump day with a boozy good time, and blast your face with punk rock tunes from party-starters extraordinaire Boom! and White Fang. The show is brought to you by the illustrious Green Noise Records, whose proprietor Ken Cheppaikode (AKA DJ Ken Dirtnap) will spin between sets. NL
The Know, 2026 NE Alberta, 9 pm

THE MIGHTY KASEY—It doesn't take a crystal ball to determine that we'll probably be spilling plenty of ink on Heart of a Dog, the new full-length from Kasey Anderson due out next year. But until then, the local gruff-voiced troubadour will be taking the stage at Mississippi Studios, likely previewing new material in addition to all those liver-damaging booze ballads of yore. Use that Christmas cash Grandma sent you to order a double; you're gonna need it. EAC
w/Lewi Longmire, Star Anna; Mississippi Studios, 3939 N Mississippi, 9 pm, $6