COMEDY—Picture a cross between Chris Tucker and Louis C.K., and that pretty much sums up the manic, very funny comedy of Kevin Hart. Passing through town with his Laugh at My Pain tour, Kevin will surely speak of his uncle's prison escapades as well as the varied insanities of being a parent. WSH
Helium Comedy Club, 1510 SE 9th, Thurs 8 pm, Fri-Sat 7:30 & 10 pm, $25-30

YOU'RE WELCOME!—The Mercury's been carpet bombing the city with awesome cover art (including work by Ryan McGinley, Shepard Fairey, and Nikki McClure) for a whole decades, and somebody finally noticed: The 10 Years of Portland Mercury Covers retrospective opens tonight, and if you swing by you can even thank us personally! MS
Powell's City of Books, 1005 W Burnside, 6:30 pm, FREE


LAUGHS—Portland's stand-up comedy scene might be reaching critical mass—here's the inelegantly named Porseattland, a weekend-long showcase of comics from... well, you can probably figure out where they're from. Don't miss local standouts Christian Rickets, Ian Karmel, and Ron Funches: You should know these names by now. AH
Brody Theater, 16 NW Broadway, Fri 10 pm, Sat 8 pm, $10

NOSTALGIA TRIP—I don't want to hear any smack talk about The Muppet Movie. The 1979 film staring Jim Henson's Muppets—and featuring "The Rainbow Connection" and Kermit T. Frog pedaling a Schwinn—is a great, great movie. Impresarios Cort and Fatboy screen it tonight and to round out the acid/nostalgia trip, they're showing an episode of Fraggle Rock, too. SM
Bagdad Theater, 3702 SE Hawthorne, 10:30 pm, $3, 21+


POOH THAT—You miss Little Brother? Me too. But as the respected North Carolina rap duo drifts into indefinite hiatus, Big Pooh is still making the rounds. His Purple Rain-obsessed free mix, The Purple Tape, hinted at what was to come from this lyrically gifted emcee, and you can find out what Pooh is like onstage at tonight's rare Portland performance. EAC
w/Philly's Phunkestra, DJ Zimmie, Starchile; Crown Room, 205 NW 4th, 9:30 pm, $5

CAN WE TALK?—Comedy legend Joan Rivers visits Portland for one night, which we're sure will be full of zings and hilarity. To top it off, the Oregon Symphony will be performing alongside Ms. Rivers. SY
Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall, 1037 SW Broadway, 7:30 pm, $23-123


HEAT INDEX—First he took his "talents to South Beach," and now LeBron James is coming to Portland. Don't miss the lone visit of the season from the Miami Heat and their triumvirate of superstars—King James, Dwyane Wade, and Chris Bosh. Plus, tonight marks the return of the dusty bones of former beloved Trail Blazer Juwan Howard, who fled Portland for sunnier pastures last summer. EAC
Rose Garden, 1 Center Ct, 6 pm, $50-265, all ages

CHOSEN ONE—It's not often that you get to revisit 1992's Buffy the Vampire Slayer movie in all its 35mm glory. Watch the original and inferior Buffy, Kristy Swanson (SMG foreva!), battle the creatures of the night while trying to maintain her hectic cheerleading and shopping schedule. Bonus: Watch for Pee-wee, Hilary Swank, Ben Affleck, and Seth Green. CF
5th Avenue Cinema, 510 SW Hall, Fri-Sat 7 & 9:30 pm, Sun 3 pm, $3 (FREE for PSU students)


FIRE BREATHER—Sweden continues to prove its prowess on the pop music front with Little Dragon, who spent the first part of 2010 collab-ing and touring with Gorillaz. Drink in their electro/dance/soul mélange in these cozy winter confines before they graduate to a bigger stage. MS
w/Billygoat; Doug Fir, 830 E Burnside, 9 pm, $13-15

GAME ON—The anticipation shall end, football lovers. The Oregon Ducks face their official rival, the Auburn Tigers, who presently possess the number-one spot. Both the Ducks and the Tigers have remained undefeated throughout the 2010 season, earning first-time opportunities at obtaining the BCS national title. So bust out the nachos and blare the fight songs... this is gonna be good. CP
ESPN, 5:30 pm


FOOT BLISTERS—It starts at Mount Hood and it stops 197 miles later, on the beach. It's Hood to Coast, and it's the world's largest relay race. Tonight's the official premiere of an eponymous documentary that follows four teams of 12 all trying to do the almost unthinkable. DCT
Keller Auditorium, 222 SW Clay, 7:30 pm, $30-84

MODERN MUSIC FROM SAN FRANCISCO—The brilliant jazz compositions of Vince Guaraldi are already buried in your subconscious—dude scored no less than 16 Peanuts cartoons. But even without Charlie Brown, Guaraldi's a hell of a figure, thanks to albums like Alma-Ville and Jazz Impressions of Black Orpheus. Tonight, the Northwest Film Center's Reel Music Festival screens the documentary The Anatomy of Vince Guaraldi, followed by a live performance by the Vince Guaraldi Tribute Band. EH
Mission Theater, 1624 NW Glisan, 7 pm, $6-9


WILD FLAG—The superest of Portland's many supergroups has to be Wild Flag, a raucous all-lady quartet boasting Sleater-Kinney's Carrie Brownstein and former Helium frontwoman Mary Timony. They packed the Doug Fir last month—the chance to catch 'em in the tiny Bunk Bar is not to be missed. AH
w/Drew Grow and the Pastors' Wives; Bunk Bar, 1028 SE Water, 9 pm, $10

HOWLS FROM THE HILLS—Christmas is past. The weather is shitty. Nothing stretches before us but endless rain, slate-gray skies, and frigid soul-death—which makes it all the more vital to appreciate the heavy, trippy epics of Dead Meadow, who bring their '70s-tinged guitars and thumping drums to Portland. Their twisting, hypnotic, dark melodies will help us survive one more night. EH
w/Sweet Apple (featuring J Mascis on drums); Doug Fir, 830 E Burnside, 9 pm, $12-14