ADIÓS, 2011—With a roster boasting the finest in Portland music, the Amigo/Amiga collective has had a heck of a year, weathering serious downs and celebrating incredible ups. Join 'em at their holiday party, as label regulars Drew Grow and the Pastors' Wives and Kelli Schaefer offer what will be one of the most festive shows of the season. NL
w/Birds & Batteries, Jason Dodson; Doug Fir, 830 E Burnside, 9 pm, $8

LAST RITES—Portland's favorite funeral home/music venue is shutting its doors as of January—which means that tonight's final Woods-based installment of Baby Ketten Karaoke has the potential to be legendary. Come sing the place out in style. AH
The Woods, 6637 SE Milwaukie, 9 pm, FREE


PRE-GIFT—Quick, before you're trapped with family! Get out your last good-time kicks with AgesandAges, whose giddily upbeat sing- and clap-alongs are better than any Christmas choir. They may play a few new songs as well, as they're working on a new record—plus Old Light's strum-heavy tunes are no slouch in the rock 'n' roll department. NL
w/1939 Ensemble; Doug Fir, 830 E Burnside, 9 pm, $8-10

STONED WEREWOLF—On the day before the day before Christmas our very own Magi arrive, to gift us their versions of gold, frankincense, and myrrh. The Sex Life DJs (Vision Quest and Stoned Werewolf) spin whatever funky mess necessary to lead us all to that sweaty dance floor electric bugaloo promised land. SS
Valentine's, 232 SW Ankeny, 9 pm, FREE


HEARTLIGHT—Tony Starlight's Neil Diamond tribute is fabulous. With one wig, a passel of balloons, heartlights, five costume changes, and the festive confines of Tony Starlight's Supperclub, you will cheerfully be singing along to "Cracklin' Rosie," "America," and "Song Sung Blue." So make it a Diamond Christmas. CF
Tony Starlight's Supperclub & Lounge, 3728 NE Sandy, 8 pm, $15

STOCKING STUFFERS—Don't sit around on Christmas Eve with the milk and cookies—a large, jovially dressed man is far more likely to "come down your chimney" if you're shaking it at the O Holy Night edition of always hot-and-heavy queer dance night Blow Pony. And with that sexy Prancer costume, the event may finally live up to its name. SM
w/DJs Airick, Just Dave, Linoleum, & more; Rotture, 315 SE 3rd, 9 pm, $5


HEART AND SOUL—Don't assume there's nothing going on just because it's Christmas! On the contrary, DJ Cooky Parker will be working hard on the decks playing all the R&B and soul jams you'll need to dance off all that fruitcake and eggnog. Don't let him spend Christmas alone! MS
Doug Fir, 830 E Burnside, 9 pm, $5

MERRY DIM SUM!—Besides getting unconsciously loaded, I only have one true holiday tradition: eating dim sum on Christmas Day! Nothing cures hangovers and cheers me up like rolling carts teeming with delicious, steaming Asian delicacies. My suggestions for neophytes? Try Five Spice, Wong's King Seafood Restaurant, or maybe Legin. And get there by 11 am to beat the crowds! WSH
Dim Sum, various locations, look them up yourself, 11 am–2 pm


THE BLAZERS RETURN—Yes, it's actually happening, even without the help of Brandon Roy. The abbreviated 2011-2012 NBA season sees the Portland Trail Blazers pitted against the Philadelphia 76ers in their season opener, a game that looks like a mild crapshoot. But damn. It's for real, so show your love. And tomorrow sees the Blazers face the Sacramento Kings. WE
Rose Garden Arena, 1 Center Court, 7 pm, $15-170

CAUCASIAN CHRISTMAS—I love spending the holidays with my family... my Big Lebowski family: Walter, El Duderino, and even Donny, who won't shut the eff up. We go bowling, get a little drunk, and the nihilist cousins get rowdy, but kindly uncle Sam Elliott calms us down with some wise words, and then we all go out for lingonberry pancakes! CF
Clinton Street Theater, 2522 SE Clinton, Fri Dec 23-Thurs Dec 29, 7 & 9:15 pm, $7


WOODY—One of the greatest filmmakers of the century... and a totally competent musician! Tonight Woody Allen and His New Orleans Jazz Band show up in Portland, not to screen Annie Hall or Manhattan or Match Point but to play some sweet, sweet jazz. Eh, I'll take it. EH
Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall, 1037 SW Broadway, 7:30 pm, $46.50 & up

METALLURGY—Let's get heavy, let's get dark, and let's motherfucking ROCK with Bay Area metal gods Black Cobra. Like a jackhammer to your skull, Black Cobra will assault you with sweet bombastic metal, wringing every last ounce of Christmas cheer from your system—with help from the equally heavy Norska, and Dog Shredder. Wait... Dog Shredder?? WSH
Star Theater, 13 NW 6th, 9 pm, $8-10


A PORTLAND BIKE ENSEMBLE—People have, from time to time, felt the need to play their bicycle as a musical instrument—to celebrate that tiny orchestra we ride on every day. That's why A Portland Bike Ensemble has always stressed that they are A Portland Bike Ensemble, not The Portland Bike Ensemble. Get creaky! SS
w/Tunnels, Sunken Colony, MSHR; Someday Lounge, 125 NW 5th, 9 pm

SMILEY'S PEOPLE—Handsome spies do surreptitious things while trotting the globe on errands of international importance. There is nothing not to like about this smart, sophisticated new adaptation of John le Carré's classic spy novel Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy. AH
Various theaters, see Film Times dates and showtimes