500 MILLIONAIRE—You may remember Tony Millionaire from the back of this newspaper. Go look! Millionaire's strip Maakies is one of the most popular weekly comic strips in North America. His new book 500 Portraits collects two decades of beautiful, funny portrait work. Millionaire appears in person to sign books and talk about his art. SS
Floating World Comics, 400 NW Couch, 6-10 pm, FREE

KOBE SUCKS—The Lakers didn't get what they wanted this off-season, after Godfather Stern took their Chris Paul trade away. Wah. We lost Brandon Roy and Greg Oden on the same day! Blazers vs. Lakers is always an event, when the city of Portland looks to leave a sneaker in the collective rectum of Los Angeles, and this year, we've got some extra resentment to work out. BR
Rose Garden, 1 Center Court, 7:30 pm, $50-265


EPPS—Fresh off hosting the BET Hip Hop Awards, Comedian Mike Epps returns to Portland. Epps is probably most recognizable from roles in such cinematic gems as Next Friday and The Hangover, but his stand-up bona fides extend to a top-rated HBO special and a stint hosting HBO's Def Comedy Jam. AH
Helium Comedy Club, 1510 SE 9th, Fri 7 & 9:15 pm, Sat 7 & 9:15 & 11:30 pm, Sun 7 pm, $30-35

CAPTURED GHOSTS—The trailer for Captured Ghosts, a documentary about mad-famous comic book writer Warren Ellis, makes him look like a totally power-mad egotist with an odd beard. BUT MAYBE HE IS? Check out this screening and ask Ellis' friends Matt Fraction and Kelly Sue DeConnick, who are featured in the film, at a Q&A afterward. SS
Floating World Comics, 400 NW Couch, 7-9 pm, FREE


DEARLY DEPARTED—A former funeral home, the Woods opened its doors in June 2009. Now the Sellwood music and arts space is sadly closing its doors for good. Say farewell to what was considered by many—myself included—to be the best venue in town, with a last-hurrah celebration that'll feature free sets from Sallie Ford and the Sound Outside, AgesandAges, and Brothers Young. (And a late-night dance party is probably not out of the question.) NL
The Woods, 6637 SE Milwaukie, 9 pm, FREE

NEXT-LEVEL FANCY—Fat Fancy is pretty special: The plus-size, queer-friendly, diversity-positive vintage and contemporary clothing shop is an anchor in Portland's body-positive community. Help them expand their reach online tonight, while shaking your big, little, or middle-sized keister to some good old rock and soul music. MS
w/DJs Bruce LaBruiser, Action Slacks; Crush, 1400 SE Morrison, 8 pm, $3-8 donation


LIBERATED—The very funny improv troupe the Liberators (featuring Shelley McLendon and John Breen, among other talents) welcomes moderately funny Mercury Editor in Chief Wm. Steven Humphrey as tonight's special guest. Did I say moderately? Kidding! I meant modernly. Dude's on the cusp. MS
Mississippi Studios, 3939 N Mississippi, 9 pm, $12-16

BITE THE BULLET—What timing! The holidays are over, you've already given up on all your bullshit New Year's resolutions, you're all alone, the winter blues are settling in, and... here comes a gun-selling extravaganza right at the Expo Center. (And this year, for the first time in a while, the show won't be affiliated with those poseurs who put on the Collectors West Gun and Knife Shows, in case that matters.) DCT
Rose City Gun Show, Expo Center, 2060 N Marine Drive, Sat 9 am-6 pm, Sun 9 am-4 pm, $9 (FREE for kids under 12!)


ROLLER DIVA—There's nothing Portland loves more than karaoke and roller skating—now together at last with Skate-a-Roke! This awesome fundraiser for the roller derby gals of the Rose City Rollers puts karaoke on the roller rink, where you can practice your crossover, dress in your finest sequined tube top, and belt out Olivia Newton-John's "Xanadu." CF
Oaks Park Skating Rink, 7805 SE Oaks Park, 7:30 pm, $10-50, all ages

GLACIAL DRIFT—A girl in Portland searches for the perfect party dress; as she moves through her day, it's with the knowledge that the glaciers in her childhood home in Alaska are melting. Alexis Smith is a local author and her debut novel Glaciers was just released by Tin House—remember her name. You'll be hearing it again. AH
Powell's City of Books, 1005 W Burnside, 7:30 pm, FREE


PEEPERS—With a sound encompassing tropical guitar and old-world accordion, the young Alaskans who make up Animal Eyes are making music that doesn't quite sound like anyone else. Now the group, which has settled here in Portland, is ready to take your ears by storm with their limber, energetic live show and dazzling harmonies. NL
w/Ross McLeron and the World Radiant; Bunk Bar, 1028 SE Water, 10 pm, $3

HISTORY NERDS—Quick! Where was Dr. Hawthorne's insane asylum? Who was Portland's only mayor not to have a driver's license? How many whores worked out of the infamous Paris House? Stumptown Stories and Shanrock's Triviology host Portland history trivia tonight, which will surely end with fisticuffs and broken glasses. In a good way! SM
Jack London Bar at the Rialto, 529 SW 4th, 5:30 pm, FREE, 21+


SURF KING—At a robust 74 years old, the "King of the Surf Guitar" (AKA the "Father of Heavy Metal") Dick Dale continues to tour worldwide, stirring up musical tsunamis of sound. Armed with his famed Fender Stratocaster, Dale will certainly perform such fiery surf hits as "Misirlou," "Let's Go Trippin'," "Pipeline," and more—so asbestos clothing will certainly be in order. WSH
Star Theater, 13 NW 6th, 9 pm, $20-25

SWEET MEAT—The Know turns seven this week, so help it put on its big-boy pants with tonight's kickoff of a stream of shows that'll go clear to next Sunday. Local abstract-garagers Nucular Aminals headline, but get there in plenty of time for Koko and the Sweetmeats, a Seattle band whose latest, Sacrifice, is one of the best new things we've heard lately. NL
The Know, 2026 NE Alberta, 8 pm