ONE-EYED JACK'S—Black Lodge Burlesque was so popular the first go-around, it's back for two nights of David Lynchian strippery. Sexy Elephant Man! Roadhouse chanteuses! The Lady in the Radiator! Red curtains! Pie! Coffee! This is such stuff as dreams are made of—sexy scary dreams. CF
Star Theater, 13 NW 6th, Thurs & Fri, 8:30 pm, $10

CARI—The Jack London Bar's Cari Carter is one of the best and most charming bartenders in all of Portland—and now she has her own variety show! The Cari Carter Show will feature a taxidermy petting zoo, trivia, and Prince tribute band Erotic City. Oh, and Cari! And booze! EH
Jack London Bar, 529 SW 4th, 9 pm, $5


SEE YOU AT THE PARTY, RICHTER!—Sci-fi blockbusters don't get more insane than Paul Verhoeven's Total Recall, in which Schwarzenegger gets his ass to Mars—a land of mutants and triple boobs! Tonight, podcasters cortandfatboy (and the Mercury!) present your last chance to see this ridiculous epic before Colin Farrell screws it up with his dumb remake. EH
Bagdad Theater, 3702 SE Hawthorne, 11 pm, $3, 21+

COMING UP ROSES—Even when they're less than spectacular, Portland summers are still the best weather ever, and the Rose Fest is our chance to celebrate it, not only with gut-churning rides but with outdoor concerts like tonight's, featuring Y La Bamba, the Decemberists/Dolorean supergroup Black Prairie, And And And, and Lost Lander! MS
Rose Festival, Tom McCall Waterfront Park, SW Naito, 5 pm, all ages, FREE with regular $5 admission


SKATING HELLCATS—Which team of lady-hittin' roller derby chicks are going home happy as Rose City Rollers' season champions? Will it be the fast-skatin' High Rollers? Or last year's champs, the rockin' rollin' Break Neck Betties? Whoever wins, it's going to be a rowdy good time as skaters scream around the track in this double-header. CF
Memorial Coliseum, 300 N Winning, 5:45 pm, $14-20

LAWDY—The rockabilly sound of JD McPherson sounds beamed straight outta 1955, but he's no retro throwback. The Oklahoma native's music is alive with raw heat, flirting with danger by wriggling like a snake and buzzing like a firecracker. This is gonna be one hep, hot dance party that'll wear down the soles of your blue suede shoes. NL
w/Sarah Gwen; Bunk Bar, 1028 SE Water, 10 pm, $12

STARLIGHT EXPRESS—Considerably less annoying than its older, stuffier sister (the Grand Floral Parade), Portland's charming Starlight Parade starts at around dusk and features local marching bands, floats, bagpipers, beer makers, race cars, Girl Scouts, civil war enthusiasts... okay, fine... everything! WSH
Parade kicks off at NW Park & Burnside, ends at Lincoln High, 9 pm, FREE


INDESCRIBABLE AWESOME—There is no genre in which to place Reggie Watts, because no category can contain his swirling blend of improvisational comedy, music, and imagination. Watts steps on punchlines just as hard as he steps on the array of pedals that help him create the hiphop symphonies scoring his performances. BR
w/Ron Funches, Andy Wood; Crystal Ballroom, 1332 W Burnside, 8 pm, $26, 21+

ADX, YEAR ONE—The awesome resource and community center for designers/makers/artists/thinkers/creatives/manufacturers celebrates its first birthday this weekend, culminating with today's DIY barbecue, where you can get free consultations on your ideas and prototypes from an ADX fabricator as well as learn how to make sausage, bread, and beer—then eat it. MS
ADX, 417 SE 11th, 10 am-6 pm, FREE


RUBIES—Dan Bejar is a songwriter of portentous and elliptical talent, but never has his band Destroyer sounded as confident and humane as it does right now. Following the triumph of last year's much-lauded Kaputt, Destroyer is fully in command of a lush, swanky sound that'll put you on top of the world. NL
w/Sandro Perri; Aladdin Theater, 3017 SE Milwaukie, 8 pm, $18-20, all ages

DOLPHINS!—To understand what's going on in a dolphin's creepily intelligent mind, Dr. Diana Reiss starts with showing it a mirror. Come hear how the behavioral neuroscientist and author has discovered self-recognition, creativity, and manipulation in dolphins at this week's Science Pub: The Dolphin in the Mirror. AZ
Bagdad Theater, 3702 SE Hawthorne, 7 pm, $5


FEMINIST FLOOSIES—Are you afraid that your penchant for porn is disrespectful to women? Fear not, She Bop's Feminist Porn Show is here for you. The screening, emceed by feminist author and pornographer Tristan Taormino explores porn pioneered by women, followed by discussion and stripping, natch. ZP
Mississippi Studios, 3939 N Mississippi, 8 pm, $25

THE FATHER OF RIP CITY—On the 35th anniversary of the Blazers' lone championship, Bill Schonely, AKA the Schonz, holds court to discuss calling that fateful game, as well as the highs and lows of a storied career that got him inducted into the Basketball Hall of Fame. BR
Oregon Historical Society, 1200 SW Park, 7 pm, $10, FREE for members


BIRTHDAY BUILDING—How do you say "Happy Birthday" in disco? Should I just sign the card in German? Holocene celebrates its ninth anniversary with live performances from AU, Pure Bathing Culture, and many more. Then sweat it up with Strange Babes DJs and Sex Life DJs. This is going to go late. SS
w/Stay Calm, Houndstooth; Holocene, 1001 SE Morrison, 8:30 pm, FREE

START UP—Tired of working for somebody else? Maybe starting your own business isn't as complicated as you think it is. In his new book The $100 Startup, popular blogger Chris Guillebeau offers practical words of wisdom and actionable steps to help you get that unicycle-powered kombucha business off the ground. AH
Powell's City of Books, 1005 W Burnside, 7:30 pm, FREE