TERRIBLE TEDS—The best Portland writers/fake experts in the areas of "humor, science, history, child slavery, personal empowerment, and death" are coming together to present pugnacious PowerPoints that spoof TED Talks (long overdue). Among others, this installment of CHAD Chats features cartoonist Mark Russell answering the age-old question "What Is the Bible?" and author Mykle Hansen on "Death: Is It for You?" SM
Jack London Bar at the Rialto, 529 SW 4th, 8:30 pm, $7-10

SUMATRAN RAT-MONKEY—The Northwest Film Center's Top Down: Rooftop Cinema series continues on the roof of the Hotel deLuxe—this week with one of the goriest, funniest movies ever, Peter Jackson's 1992 horror classic Dead Alive! EH
w/Beyond Veronica; Hotel deLuxe, SW 15th & Yamhill, 8 pm, $9


HOT STUFF—Unspeakable eroticism abounds in the Rose City tonight: In Southeast, Naked Girls Reading presents a back-to-school edition of their popular reading series, wherein naked ladies read excerpts from their favorite books. And downtown, the hilarious Kyle Kinane headlines Competitive Erotic Fan Fiction, in which comedians write fanfic based on their favorite shows. AH
Naked Girls Reading, Blue Monk, 3341 SE Belmont, 10:30 pm, $13, 21+; Competitive Erotic Fan Fiction, Brody Theater, 16 NW Broadway, 10 pm, $10

SMODCAST—While he's the dude responsible for Clerks, Mallrats, and Chasing Amy, Kevin Smith's true talent is in the spoken word—seeing him speak live is a hilarious, charmingly vulgar experience. Tonight, he brings along pal Scott Mosier for a live recording of their ridiculously popular podcast, SModcast. EH
Aladdin Theater, 3017 SE Milwaukie, 9 pm, $32.50-50


THRILLS/CHILLS/SPILLS—For my money, the best Portland event of the summer is the annual Adult Soapbox Derby, in which 42 teams build homemade art cars and race them down the dangerous, curvy track at Mount Tabor. Expect thrills, chills, spills, and extreme creativity! (Note: Beer and wine okay, liquor not so much. Bring a picnic!) WSH
Mt. Tabor Park, SE 60th & Salmon, 10 am-4 pm, FREE

POSEHN—Laconic, clever, and nerdy to the core, Brian Posehn's arrival into town will no doubt be heralded by thundering metal and a blast of pot smoke, like opening the door to a very sketchy van. Don't miss the chance to see one of the original Comedians of Comedy. AH
Helium Comedy Club, 1510 SE 10th, Thurs 8 pm, Fri-Sat 7:30 & 10:30 pm, $15-20


DEMO DERBY—The annual Combine Demo Derby in nearby Banks, Oregon, looks like rejected Transformers doing slow, ignoble battle. There's lots of dust, an ample amount of crunching metal, and, occasionally, farm implements going up in flames. The event ends with the annual "car blow-up." Also, plenty of BBQ sandwiches and a grease pole contest! SM
Sunset Park, 485 S Main, Banks, Grand Floral Parade at 11 am, Combine Demo Derby at 4:30 pm, $12

KISSIN' CRÜE—KISS and Mötley Crüe on the same bill? Oh, yes. (Music Editor Ned Lannamann refused to write this, as he "fucking hates both of them." I, on other hand, volunteered—because if there's one thing I know, it's that the Crüe will always rüle. Read my tattoo if you don't believe me.) EH
Sleep Country Amphitheater, 17200 NE Delfel Road, Ridgefield, WA, 7 pm, $30-150, all ages


THEY SELL SANCTUARY—Since 1983, the Cult have blurred the lines between hard rock and gothy post-punk, producing more than a few tremendous records along the way. Their heavy jangle sounds even better than you remember, so don't miss the longtime Yorkshire rockers when they roll through. NL
w/Murder of Crows; Roseland, 8 NW 6th, 8 pm, $30, 21 & over

GO KIDS!—The great Hollywood Theatre sponsors a summer documentary film camp for smartypants teens, teaching kids how to write, shoot, and edit movies about people and issues they care about. Awww. The final product of this summer's Project Youth Docs screens tonight—it's your chance to find out what teens are thinking these days. SM
Hollywood Theatre, 4122 NE Sandy, 7:30 pm, $5


BASTARD!—Hey kung fu fans! The Hollywood Theatre is proud to present the only known 35mm print of the chop-socky classic The Bastard Swordsman, in which a masked stranger trains a little bastard in the wicked awesome "Silkworm Style" of swordplay, culminating in a sword-fightin', head amputatin' free-for-all! WSH
Hollywood Theatre, 4122 NE Sandy, 7:30 pm, $7

PUPPIES!—Okay, this installment of OMSI's boozin' & learnin' series isn't EXACTLY about puppies. "Are Dogs Really Just 'Designer Wolves'?" explores the similarities and differences between your labradoodle and a fearsome gray wolf. AH
Mission Theater, 1624 NW Glisan, 7 pm, $5


TRES HOMBRES—Fans of long whiskers and classic rock, rejoice! ZZ Top is bad, ZZ Top is nationwide, ZZ Top is playing tonight. They'll wail on classics like "Legs" and "Cheap Sunglasses," and everyone shall rock the fuck out. ZZ Fun Fact™: The drummer—he's the one without a big, bushy beard—is named Frank Beard. NL
Edgefield, 2126 SW Halsey, Troutdale, 6:30 pm, $49-79, all ages

TOP TAPES—K Records honcho Calvin Johnson made a cassette compilation for the latest issue of the Believer magazine, and to celebrate he's touring with some handpicked bands. Tonight he stops through town with Broken Water, the Memories, the Shivas, White Rainbow, and more—plus a bevy of local cassette labels will have their tables set up. NL
Crystal Ballroom, 1332 W Burnside, 7 pm, $8-10, all ages