ANNIVERSARY—It's been 10 short years since Holocene opened its doors, and over the ensuing decade, the club has offered the best electronic music, indie rock bands, and dance nights in town. Help it celebrate double digits with two free, jam-packed nights of dance-ready music, the first of which features sexy jams by Shy Girls, Magic Mouth, and Minden. NL
w/Adventurous Sleeping & DJs; Holocene, 1001 SE Morrison, Wed & Thurs 8:30 pm, FREE

Don't Miss Portland's Newest Shopping Event, Dec 4&5
Discover 140 of the best local brands, designers & artists + free drinks, photo booth fun & fab holiday vibes!
The Moth Mainstage Returns to Portland on December 14
Join Literary Arts and The Moth at the Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall for an inspiring night of true stories, told live.
Elf-The Musical at Lakewood Theatre Company
Nov. 5 - Dec. 19 | Kick off the holiday season with the famed musical about Buddy the Elf!

MUSIC—Like the terrifyingly brilliant bastard child of Hüsker Dü and Sonic Youth, Hausu have chiseled out a sound that is simultaneously sprawling and introspective, ambitious and despairing. With their excellent new album Total being backed up by a coast-to-coast tour starting this month, it's probably wise to go see them before we have to start sharing them with the rest of the country. AR
w/Industrial Park, Cellmate; Mississippi Studios, 3939 N Mississippi, 9 pm, $5


PICARD—The holiday that makes Christmas look like a puddle of wet crap, Captain Picard Day is finally here. Portland's annual, super-popular art show boasts amazing pieces that pay tribute to our great captain—plus prizes, laffs, and expert judges. Like me! I am harsh, sometimes fair, and I love Picard more than I love my mother. DO NOT DISAPPOINT ME. EH
Floating World Comics, 400 NW Couch, 6-10 pm, FREE, for details on entering

BIKES!—The three best weeks of the year begin now! Pedalpalooza, in all its rolling glory, gets its official start tonight with the Mercury-sponsored Pedalpalooza Kickoff Party. If you don't have a bike, borrow one for the next 24 days. Then shine up those shoes and hit the road. Be sure to check out the kickoff parade before the party. DVH
w/Federale, Grandparents; Branx, 320 SE 2nd, 8:30 pm, FREE


COMEDY—Stand-up Anthony Jeselnik puts on a mean show. I'm not being figurative—it's literally some of the meanest, punchiest, most offensive comedy you're likely to see, and it's awesome! Maybe you're already a fan of his roast appearances or his new show The Jeselnik Offensive. I wouldn't sit too close to the stage, though. His wit cuts. CF
Aladdin Theater, 3017 SE Milwaukie, 7:30 & 10:30 pm, $25

MICHAEL JACKSON—Or, you know, the next best thing. The Michael Jackson HIStory II show is a loving re-creation of MJ's final tour featuring 20 songs all performed by "World #1 Impersonator" Kenny Wizz. (KENNY WIZZ!!) Expect lights, choreography, spectacle, and the closest you're going to get to the person your elders refer to as the "King of Pop." WSH
Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall, 1037 SW Broadway, 8 pm, $45.50-67, all ages


ROLLER DERBY—Who's going home with the championship belt (er, booty shorts?!) in this Rose City Rollers battle for home-team roller derby dominance? Will it be the High Rollers or the undefeated Guns N Rollers, who have yet to taste that sweet champs victory? Come watch the skates fly at the gals' first appearance at the Rose Garden. CF
Rose Garden, 1 Center Ct, two games, 5:45 pm, $14-24

ROSE FESTIVAL—The Grand Floral Parade is great, because you can pitch a tent on city sidewalks the night before to reserve a spot and (probably) not get arrested and charged with violating the city's camping ban. It's also a pretty nifty parade, as parades go. Also, if you think the Willamette River is swell, check out the dragon boat races. DCT
Grand Floral Parade, Memorial Coliseum to downtown, 10 am-noon, FREE; Dragon Boat Races, south end of Waterfront Park, Sat & Sun 8 am-5 pm, FREE

NUDE RIDING!—If you've participated in Portland's World Naked Bike Ride in the past, you won't need much convincing to join up with this year's route. If you haven't, just trust us on this one. You will be nude. People will be cheering and high-fiving the whole way. The cops will have your back. It is, weather permitting, sublime. DVH
Meet at the Portland Art Museum (FREE admission to participants beginning at 8 pm), 1219 SW Park, ride leaves at 10 pm, FREE


MUSIC—When they joined forces in the '90s, Method Man and Redman were like the hiphop equivalent of the World's Finest, a fearsome twosome full of microphone wreckage. Over a decade later, they're re-teaming to put the Crystal Ballroom's trampoline of a floor to work. BR
w/Serge Severe, DJ Wels; Crystal Ballroom, 1332 W Burnside, 8 pm, $32-35, all ages

COMEDY—The winner of Portland's Funniest Person contest gets a cash prize and bragging rights for a year—and the audience at tonight's finals gets a guaranteed good time, as some of Portland's best stand-ups hash it out before a panel of judges. AH
Helium Comedy Club, 1510 SE 9th, 7 pm, $20-25


FILM—British director Ben Wheatley is so talented it's not even funny: Following up his brutal, brilliant thriller Kill List, he's back with the very, very dark and very, very funny Sightseers, about a young couple away on a holiday... who, um, also murder some people? Seriously: Do not miss this one. EH
Living Room Theaters, 341 SW 10th, see Film Times for showtimes, $5-9

HIPHOP—The confrontational, razor-sharp hiphop of Pharoahe Monch is not just an intellectual exercise in social consciousness. The renegade rapper also makes hard-hitting, jazzy, soulful music for the body and the mind, and Monch comes to town in advance of P.T.S.D. (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), due out later this year. NL
w/Gray Matters, Bad Habitat, Destro; Hawthorne Theatre, 1507 SE César E Chávez, 8 pm, $15-18, all ages


READING—Polar bears are fucked. In fact, half of all living species could be extinct by the century's end. Jon Mooallem brings both gravity and optimism to Wild Ones, his nonfiction investigation of the present and future of wildlife on our planet. Bonus: Black Prairie will be on hand to perform songs from their soundtrack to the book. AH
Powell's City of Books, 1005 W Burnside, noon, FREE

MUSIC—The old X-Ray Café—anarchist den, weirdo art incubator, and springboard for Voodoo Doughnut's impresario Tres Shannon—looms large in Portland's crusty lore. The gang is getting back together for nine days for the upcoming launch of FM radio's 91.1 KXRY, celebrating and reminiscing at the aptly named XRAY Fest. Tonight, Sam Adams will still be mayor (of the party's music selections; he's guest DJ). DCT
w/Rev Shines; Produce Row Café, 204 SE Oak, 7 pm, FREE, 21+