So hirsute is our community of young men that there usually seems to be at least three 'stache bashes all claiming to be the "real one." If you go to just one this year, bear in mind tonight's Mustaches for Kids benefits MS

w/Emcee Nicholas Kessler of the Liberators, DJ Short Change; Holocene, 1001 SE Morrison, 9 pm, $5-10 sliding scale

Subculture darling Dame Darcy-author of the long-running comic Meatcake-swoops through town tonight to sign copies of her newest illustrated novel Gasoline, and she'll be performing her spooky songs with banjo in tow at Slabtown later in the evening. AH

CounterMedia, 927 SW Oak, 6 pm, FREE; w/Magick Daggers, Lost Lockets; Slabtown, 1033 NW 16th, 9 pm, $7

You don't have to wait for Christmas Day to see the ships come sailing in. Just head down to the waterfront to watch the floating light extravaganza that is Christmas Ships! PAC

Willamette River, between OMSI and the Fremont Bridge, 7 pm


Ho, ho, holy crap, did they cram a lot of talent into this month's Live Wire! Check out this lineup: Henry Selick, director of The Nightmare Before Christmas; NPR correspondent Ari Shapiro (who'll chat with Portland's own Thomas Lauderdale); writer Marc Acito and director Jon Kretzu, the team behind the new play Holidazed; plus writers Scott Poole and Stacy Bolt; and musical guests Blue Giant and Blind Pilot. Good luck cramming all of that under a tree. AJR

Aladdin Theater, 3017 SE Milwaukie, 8 pm, $15-25, all ages

Before you sit down around the hearth for warm apple cider and presents with the fam, get your rocks off at Rotture's Christmas party featuring live sets from Copy, Explosivo (Manny Atole solo), plus DJ E*Rock. MS

Rotture, 315 SE 3rd, 11 pm, $3

A few months ago, a group of sex worker advocates gave cameras to 11 local women in the industry. Friday night is the grand opening of Visions and Voices, the workers' finest photos of their lives in Portland's streets and bedrooms. SM

w/DJ Niko, DJ Jamie; Chaos Café and Parlor, 2620 SE Powell, 8 pm, FREE, all ages


You've got two options for chuckles tonight: The lads of sorta-local sketch comedy troupe the Üncles, now of NYC, have been friends since their Grant High School days and they return to their youthful stomping grounds for four shows at the Someday. If standup is more your style, Bridgetown Comedy hosts very funny standup comedian Natasha Leggero (known for performing in a full cocktail dress and elbow-length gloves), and Bridgetown Comedy Festival hit Tig Notaro. AH

The Üncles, Someday Lounge, 125 NW 5th, Fri-Sat 8 & 10 pm, $12-15; Natasha Leggero & Tig Notaro, Berbati's Pan, 10 SW 3rd, 9 pm, $10-12

Benefiting Planned Parenthood, local hottie chanteuse Storm Large returns with another slam-bang Winter Wonderball-tonight (night two) features the talents of Darcelle XV, Thomas Lauderdale, Mic Crenshaw, Jennifer Batten, Dan Savage, and more! Ho, ho, hell yeah! WSH

Wonder Ballroom, 128 NE Russell, 8 pm, $20-30, 21+ (also Fri Dec 19 w/different lineup, all ages)

Nothing says lovin' like Stephanie Smith & Co. hammerin' out blissful hard rock just five days before Christmas. Bask in the grit of Portland's most dastardly, devious, dirty rock 'n' roll crew, Kleveland, this Saturday night in the plush din of Dante's. You'll be glad you did. RJP

w/Black 'n' Blue; Dante's, 1 SW 3rd, 9:30 pm, $15-18


Mistletoe and chestnuts roasting on an open fire don't count for shit compared to a REAL holiday tradition: The Grindhouse Film Festival's annual screening of Silent Night, Deadly Night, 1984's slasher classic about a psycho who dresses up like Santa Claus and dispatches victims with a double-bladed axe. It's what Christmas is really about-and one lucky audience member will even win a double-bladed axe of their very own! EH

Hollywood Theatre, 4122 NE Sandy, 9 pm, $7

Photos with Santa are boooring. But 3D photos with Santa from the 3D Center of Art and Photography are mind blowing. Hey, look! It's like his beard is coming straight at you! Trippy. PAC

3D Center of Art and Photography, 1928 NW Lovejoy, 1-5 pm, $10 (for admission, photo, and 3D viewer)

So just what the heck is The Flight and the Fall? Well, it's an audio program, kind of like This American Life, with mixed media and musical accompaniment. Yeah, it's a little hard to describe. Your best bet for getting grips on it is to go to tonight's live presentation, in which host Abe Ingle performs the show with live voice-overs, tape-recorded bits, and live music. NL

w/Root Beer & French Fry, Small Fires; Valentine's, 232 SW Ankeny, 9 pm, FREE


Based on the sexy French comics, 1968's Barbarella (directed by Roger Vadim) remains a groundbreaking example of erotic sci-fi. Luscious space lollipop Jane Fonda is a 41st century astronaut who battles the evil Durand-Durand while trying to keep a tenuous grasp on what remains of her clothing. Hot. WSH

Pix Patisserie, 3901 N Williams, 8:30 pm, FREE

Starting tonight at the Hollywood Theatre: Restored prints of The Godfather and The Godfather Part II, two of the finest American movies ever made. Thankfully not starting tonight at the Hollywood Theater: The Godfather Part III, which makes The Phantom Menace look like Citizen Kane. But check out Francis Ford Coppola's two amazing films about the Corleone family on the big screen, and together, we can forget the third one ever happened. It's a healing process, people. EH

Hollywood Theatre, 4122 NE Sandy, click here for showtimes, $4-6.50

Yes, ballet is boring, but not at Christmas! And not when it's Tchaikovsky, with a New York flavor! George Balanchine's The Nutcracker has been a part of Christmas in Manhattan since 1954, and the Oregon Ballet Theatre remains the only company west of the Mississippi licensed to perform it. MD

Keller Auditorium, 222 SW Clay, 2 & 7:30 pm, $15 & up


Tonight you'll have to choose your favorite Neil. Local lounge luminary Tony Starlight performs his renowned tribute to Neil Diamond, and Broken Arrow stomps out proto-grunge classics by Neil Young and Crazy Horse. Sorry, Neil Sedaka fans-you're out of luck. NL

Neil Diamond Tribute, Tony Starlight's Supper Club, 3728 NE Sandy, 7:30 pm, $12; Broken Arrow w/Matt Boney, Stampede; White Eagle Saloon, 836 N Russell, 8:30 pm, FREE

Tonight catch the lovely Brittain Ashford perform at Valentine's, a combination of venue and artist that is about as perfect as it gets. A hot toddy, some seriously pretty singing, and a perch at the corner table sounds about perfect right now. LS

w/Love Menu, David Kyle & the Invisibles; Valentine's, 232 SW Ankeny, 9 pm, donation

Even non-jocks should snatch up tickets to the Blazer's hometown throwdown against the Nuggets-who, in addition to using smooth-shooting Carmelo Anthony, have suddenly been considering this "defense" thing. SM

Rose Garden, 1 Center Court, 7 pm, $10 & up


Tonight's the night! HE IS ALMOST HERE! In just a few hours he's gonna land on the roof and bring us presents and eat milk and cookies and I'm gonna leave a carrot for Rudolph and tomorrow morning's gonna be THE BEST! If I listen really close I'll hear the reindeer on the roof! I CAN'T SLEEP I'M TOO EXCITED! HE'S ALMOST HERE! IT'S CHRISTMAS! SANTA IS ALMOST HERE!!!! EH

Chimney, your house, sometime after you've fallen asleep, FREE

Before you plunge into that pile of presents and dive into the bowl of eggnog, join the annual Kool Yule Ride, a "leisurely paddle around Northeast Portland" on bikes to check out the holiday lights. (They'll do it again tomorrow night, too.) Last year, it snowed on the Yool Riders. Take your mother's advice: Wear a scarf! AJR

Wilshire Park, NE 35th & Skidmore, 5 pm, FREE

Nothing like thousands of twinkling bulbs to make your Christmas merry and bright. Go the traditional route and take a stroll down Peacock Lane to check out this block of decorated homes, or load up your car and fork over the $16 entrance fee to get transported to a magical world of dinosaurs and skiing Santas at the Portland International Raceway. LS

Peacock Lane, one block east of SE 39th between Belmont & Stark, 6 pm-midnight, FREE; Portland International Raceway, 1940 N Victory, 5-10 pm, $16