Will Someone Please Adopt...
BISCUIT, THE SOCIAL JUSTICE WARRIOR OTTER?
HERE AT THE MERCURY, we're terribly concerned about the rising number of homeless otters—which is why we're devoting space every week to otters considered unadoptable. WILL YOU OPEN YOUR HEART AND HOME TO ONE OF PORTLAND'S UNWANTED OTTERS?
Meet Biscuit, the Social Justice Warrior Otter. He's a cute-as-the-dickens, two-month-old sea otter, and he'll be a mischievous and adorable little buddy! Also...
• Biscuit assumes your heart's in the right place—he just wishes you weren't so ignorant.
• Biscuit warms up his little furry belly by basking in the sun!
• Biscuit enjoys squeaking truth to power.
• Biscuit takes a daily nap in a cozy bed of kelp!
• Biscuit will quickly and viciously correct you if you mislabel his subspecies... you species-ist!
• Biscuit will sometimes hold hands with other otters!
• Biscuit has written a dictionary of terminology you are required to use in his presence, which is revised every 15 minutes. Biscuit appreciates you consulting it before speaking.
• Biscuit loves warm, loving cuddle-hugs.
• Biscuit may wake you in the middle of the night to confront you about your long history of wrongfulness and casual otterphobia, and to remind you, once again, to check your privilege.
• Biscuit will romp and play... just like an excited little puppy!
• Biscuit requires "trigger warnings" before the start of any blog post, newspaper article, or conversation.
• Biscuit will adorably pout if he doesn't get his favorite snack... sea urchins and shellfish!
• Biscuit has retractable claws on his paws...
• ...which he uses to type Tumblr posts about how you're a bigot.
• Biscuit's best friend is "Wiggles," a tiny stuffed teddy he sleeps with every night.
• Biscuit appreciates you feeding him fish—even though you are oppressing him with your otter-shaming microaggressions.
• Biscuit giggles like a baby when you tickle his tummy! Oh Biscuit!
• Biscuit would like you to sign Biscuit's change.org petition to include more otter-specific viewpoints in George Orwell's Animal Farm (which is woefully skewed and inaccurate as it stands).
To adopt Biscuit, just say something online. He'll find and shame you.