by the Incredible Hulk
Sound trumpet and let confetti fall—HULK AM RUNNING FOR MAYOR! While this GREAT news for Portland, it AWFUL news for puny Ted Wheeler! Bet him was thinking, "Oooh! Me so handsome and popular! Oooh! Charlie Hales one-term lame duck! No one have snowball chance in hell to beat me!" Well, maybe puny Ted Wheeler right... UNTIL HULK SMASH INTO MAYOR RACE! Here am three reason why Hulk best Portland mayor ever!
• Hulk Think Rent Too Damn High! Hulk been there! Hulk know! Hulk victim of THREE no-cause evictions that force Hulk to move to East Portland, then (ugh) Gresham, then (ARGHHH!) snake-filled cave by Gresham bus stop! If Hulk win, Hulk increase renter rights, Hulk stop demolition of historic homes (unless Hulk smash historic home by accident?), and Hulk end no-cause evictions—by evicting landlords! (When Hulk say "evicting landlords" Hulk mean "throw landlords into sun.")
• Hulk Demand Police Accountability! Hulk tired of police profiling people of color! Just last week, cop come up to Hulk while Hulk riding recumbent bike. "OH, GREAT, LET HULK GUESS!" Hulk say. "THIS BECAUSE HULK AM GREEN!" Puny cop say, "No, this because you ride recumbent bike on sidewalk." Yeah. RIGHT. It because Hulk am green.
• Hulk Make Portland City Government Work! ARGH! Portland city commissioners puny and weak! Portland need STRONG mayor... and who stronger than Hulk??? First, Hulk throw puny commissioners into sun! Then Hulk make decisions based on what puny voters want! Does puny voter want Hulk to SMASH rich California developers? HULK SMASH DEVELOPERS! Does puny voter want Hulk to SMASH street fees? HULK SMASH STREETS! (And fees.) Does puny voter want Hulk to SMASH stupid yuppie neighbor who raise stupid chickens? HULK SMASH YUPPIE AND CHICKENS!
Puny voter need more convincing that Hulk is best Hulk for job? Look at pictures of puny Ted Wheeler and puny Charlie Hales! THEY SAME PUNY HUMAN! Puny voters want CHANGE. Puny voters want PROGRESS. Puny voters want HULK!
VOTE HULK FOR PORTLAND MAYOR: BECAUSE IT'S TIME TO SMASH!!
Paid for by the Incredible Friends of the Incredible Hulk (AKA Tony Stark, who say Hulk have to pay him back with interest, so Hulk really need to win).