COMEDIAN/ACTOR PATTON OSWALT is coming to Portland this weekend—not only to do standup, but also to present his new film, Big Fan (see review this issue, and My, What a Busy Week!). Need some background? Here. You're welcome.

The King of Queens (1998-2007)—Yes, this show was on the air for NINE YEARS. And yes, I have seen EVERY SINGLE EPISODE. Most of them TWICE. (A) It's better than you think, so shut up, and (B) Oswalt's fantastic as Kevin James' nerdy pal. Also, just wondering: On a scale of one to 10, how gay does it make me if I point out that Kevin James seems like he'd be a really good cuddler?

Ratatouille (2007)—Pixar. Patton Oswalt. You're still reading, like you need something more. YOU NEED NO MORE. Fuckin' watch it already.

Dollhouse (2009)—The first season of Joss Whedon's sci-fi drama was pretty rocky, but the sixth episode, "Man on the Street," offered a glimpse of how excellent the show could be—thanks in no small part to Oswalt's funny, creepy, and surprisingly affecting appearance.

Observe and Report (2009)—The funniest movie this year that nobody saw, Observe and Report comes from the brilliant Jody Hill (Eastbound & Down) and stars Seth Rogen as a sociopath security guard. Oswalt's got an excellent role as a dickhead manager in a mall food court.

The Comedians of Comedy (2005)— Patton Oswalt. Brian Posehn. Maria Bamford. Zach Galifianakis. Portland's very own Excalibur Comics. You're still reading, like you need something more. You aren't going to get it. YOU NEED NO MORE. Fuckin' watch it already.

Blade: Trinity (2004)—Okay, so the Blade series kinda shit the bed with this installment, which crammed together Wesley Snipes, Ryan Reynolds, Jessica Biel, Parker Posey, and Dracula. Sadly, this did not leave any room for Oswalt, who was killed .04 seconds after he first appeared. If I were writer/director David S. Goyer, I would've told Snipes to go screw himself and then I would've hired Oswalt to play Blade. Also, I would have had the King of Queens play Dracula. Also, it would have been called Blade II: Part II. It would've been pretty sweet.