MONDAY, JULY 22
Though One Day at a Time usually focuses on the most terrible aspects of the human condition, today we devote our attentions to life! In particular, the birth of the royal baby! Born to the Duchess and Duke of Cambridge, the bouncing baby boy weighed in at 8 lbs., 6 oz. and... WAIT. THIS JUST IN! Batshit crazy actress Amanda Bynes has gone totally batshit crazy! (So much for focusing on life.) TMZ reports that, for reasons no one can divine, Amanda (carrying her Pomeranian dog and a gas can—oh-oh) strolled up to a random house in Thousand Oaks, CA, and built a small fire in the elderly person's driveway. (The resident claims to have never heard of Bynes, which seems impossible to us.) Whatever Amanda's plan was, it went awry because she was next spotted lying on the end of the driveway with her left pant leg on fire, holding a gasoline-soaked dog. According to a witness, she successfully put out her flaming leg and then dashed into a nearby liquor store where she burst into the "employees only" bathroom to apparently wash the gasoline off her dog. When confronted by the liquor store employee, she once again "freaked out" and dashed away. Moments later, cops arrived on the scene and placed Amanda on a 5150 psychiatric hold (the same thing that happened to Britney Spears following "the great bald umbrella swinging incident of 2007"). She's currently under observation, and don't worry, dears: The dog is fine. Well, as fine as a Pomeranian who belongs to Amanda Bynes could possibly be. We now return you to our original story about... wait. What was it again? Something about a baby?
TUESDAY, JULY 23
Okay, without any further interruptions, let's check in on Britain's bouncing bundle of joy, the royal baby! Prince William and Kate are overjoyed to announce the name of their newborn son, which is... WAIT. THIS JUST IN! Former US representative and current NYC mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner has been caught sexting... again! After being forced to resign in disgrace from Congress in 2011 following a sexting scandal, Weiner was apparently on the road to recovery: patching things up with his wife, getting psychological help, and even launching a so-far very successful bid for mayor of New York. And today? Whoopsie! According to The Dirty, Weiner started up another online relationship with a woman almost immediately after his resignation. The 22-year-old woman began the interaction by scolding him for his cheating behavior, but after only a week the two were exchanging sexual messages which—of course—had to include a picture of his penis. OH, COME ON. Even worse? He referred to himself in the messages by the name "Carlos Danger." OH! COME! ONNNNN!!! Naturally, we don't see sex as an indicator of anyone's inability to hold public office, and if Weiner's wife can stand (or approves of) her hubby's philandering behavior, then more power to her. But "Carlos... Danger"? Mr. Weiner: This aggression will... not... stand!
WEDNESDAY, JULY 24
Okay, we were talking about something earlier... oh! The royal baby! Today Queen Elizabeth paid a visit to her royal great-grands—THIS JUST IN! Doctors believe the recently hospitalized Amanda Bynes is suffering from possible "schizophrenic tendencies," according to sources talking to TMZ! She was apparently lucid for 10 hours today, but when the staff questioned her about the driveway fire (see Monday) and her gasoline-soaked dog, she "went nuts" saying her parents would try to "kill it—just like they tried to kill me." She then had to be physically restrained, according to the report. Rather than trying to kill her, Amanda's parents have actually asked a California judge to grant them conservatorship over their daugher (again... shades of Britney 2007), which would give them decision-making authority over certain aspects of her life—let's hope starting with her Twatter account. Seriously, when you use your twatter to call President Obama and Michelle "ugly"? That's a cry for help, people.
THURSDAY, JULY 25
Now. Seriously. It's time to devote some actual space to this "royal baby" thing, and... OH, DAMN IT. THIS JUST IN! Here's the best headline you'll read all week: "Paula Deen: "I Did NOT Dress Up Black Chef Like Aunt Jemima!" According to longtime former employee Dora Charles—who's African American—celebrity racist Paula Deen would not only hurl racial epithets in the kitchen, but she also asked the chef to ring a dinner bell for restaurant customers... which Charles (and ourselves) considered "racially charged." And while Deen's camp vehemently denies it, Charles also accuses Paula of asking another black female employee to wear an "old-style Aunt Jemima outfit" while flipping pancakes at work. So welcome to the world, royal baby George Alexander Louis: One day you'll be very glad everyone forgot about you this week.
FRIDAY, JULY 26
Oh, dear! The weekend has barely started and there are already so many stories to choose from! Here are two: FIRST! Nick Cannon, the host of the incorrectly named reality show America's Got Talent, has—according to TMZ—been tweeting "for the past couple of days" about a "cyst on my face the size of a grape." Let's move on, shall we? SECOND! According to a headline on What Would Tyler Durden Do: "Justin Bieber Spit on a Bunch of Fans." Reading the latest examples of Justin Bieber being a little shithead is like seeing the sun rise—proof that all is right in the world. (Or horrifically wrong. Your call, dears.)
SATURDAY, JULY 27
At last, we have the inside story about why the two most hideous creatures belched forth from the bowels of Abaddon—we speak, of course, of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West—decided to name their doomed daughter "North West"! And—as one might expect—it's a reason that only a Kardashian could have come up with. According to the New York Daily News, Kim "kind of" wanted to give her and Kanye's kid a name that began with "K" (since that's what all the Kardashians do, for some stupid reason). But then, she realized, a terrible thing might happen! "Our kid, if it's a 'K,' then they'll call us the 'KKK,'" Kardashian fretted. So instead they went with North West, a name Kim's sister Kourtney says is "pretty and cool." In related news, we would rather be writing about the actual KKK than ever type another inane word spewing from the mouths of those idiot Kardashians. (Okay, not really. But we're this close.)
SUNDAY, JULY 28
Hooray! Former The King of Queens star Leah Remini continues to talk about her recent split from the Church of Scientology! "I believe that people should be able to question things," Remini explained to People, sounding sensible and smart and very un-Scientological. "No one is going to tell me how I need to think, no one is going to tell me who I can, and cannot, talk to." Well done, Leah! We might've visibly winced whenever Hubby Kip made us watch King of Queens, but you're starting to—THIS JUST IN! "Ann! Why are you giving that foul betrayer even more attention!?" screeched Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII, chief Scientology spokesalien. "As you'd know if you'd read the emails I send you, Leah Remini is made of nothing but filthy lies! And we would never keep her from thinking in ways that may or may not contradict the Completely Unquestionable Truths of L. Ron Hubbard! We promise. Also, none of this has anything to do with the cabal of intergalactic bounty hunters who are currently traveling at warp nine to your pitiful little planet to exterminate a certain sitcom actress as soon as possible and with extreme prejudice. Indeed, if a scorched laser blast is all that remains of Leah Remini at the end of this solar cycle? Well, I can assure you that will have nothing to do with Scientology, nor any order I may or may not have placed with the Intergalactic Bounty Hunters Union, Sub-Branch TK-421." Emperor Klaktu then cleared his throats, blinked 14 of his eyes, and stopped secreting his noxious rage-slime. "Oh, another reason you should maybe read your email, Ann? I sent you this great thing BuzzFeed did! 'Handicapable Kitten Won't Let Her Differences Stop Her From Being THE CUTEST'! Her name is Saltwater Taffy, Ann, and the story says that she is a 'snuggle-aholic,' so you should probably read that, at least."