MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 2
Get some eye wash ready—because what follows is a headline that could blind you for life: "Kris Jenner Has a Sex Tape." Yeeeeaughhh! Our eyes! OUR EYES! (Splash, splash.) Unfortunately, it's true: In a teaser for an upcoming episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians—which only a true, self-loathing masochist would ever watch—the mom of fame troll Kim Kardashian admits in front of her entire family "[Hubby Bruce Jenner] and I made a sex tape." Now why on earth would any sane person admit something like this in front of cameras? It could have something to do with (a) her daily talk show getting canceled due to absolutely abysmal ratings and the fact that everyone hates her guts, and (b) her daughter Kim found her fame by making a sex tape, and so sad mama Kris is trying to get similar attention. This concludes the most depressing paragraph we have ever written. We now return you to something less depressing—chemical weapons in Syria, perhaps?—already in progress. MEANWHILE... Wait... put Syria on hold for a moment... could it be true? Could Amanda Bynes be twattering again? After having her psychiatric hold extended to a year by a judge this weekend (A year! Umm, hello? What are we going to write about?), a single solitary message popped up on Amanda's Twatter account that simply read, "I love Drake." This would be so amazeballs if true... no one owns Twatter like AmBy... but unfortunately it isn't. "Amanda's Twitter account has been hacked," her attorney Tamar Arminak told Radar. "She is at the UCLA Medical Center with no access to phones or computers." Yeah, and also she didn't call Drake "ugly" or ask him to "murder her vagina." That was the dead giveaway for us!
TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 3
Ugh. In further terrible news only terrible people care about: Actors Charlie Hunnam (Sons of Anarchy) and Dakota Johnson (daughter of Melanie Griffith and Don Johnson... ask your grandparents) have been chosen to play the idiotically named Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele in the screen adaptation of the equally idiotic mom porn book, Fifty Shades of Grey. In a related story, we caught our mom reading this trash, and quickly informed her she's gross. Repeat: YOU'RE GROSS, MOM. MEANWHILE... Speaking of "gross"—gross kidnapper/rapist Ariel Castro, AKA the Cleveland kidnapper who was convicted of holding three women against their will for upward of 10 years, was found dead in his cell tonight, hanging from a bedsheet. Sentenced to life in prison plus 1,000 years (!), Castro's apparent suicide brought relief and happiness to many, but according to Castro's attorney Craig Weintraub, "We're in a civilized society and no one should really be celebrating this." (Psst! We think "kind of" celebrating it is fine.)
WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 4
"Blurred Lines" singer Robin Thicke: UGH! And naturally he's in the tabs for allegedly groping a woman's bottom parts at a VMA afterparty, and trying to take her to sexy town... all while standing a mere few feet away from his wife. Life & Style interviewed the young blonde woman whose bottom was groped—one Lana Scolaro—who claims Thicke's "hands were everywhere" and tried to woo her with the most pedophilic pickup line yet: "I just love the fact you're so young." EEEEEK! (Can someone please call Chris Hansen, stat?) She also claims they made out in the bathroom (classy), and that Thicke's wife, Paula Patton, couldn't seem to care less. We're with Paula on this one—if it would keep Robin Thicke's tongue out of our mouth? We'd shove as many young blondes in his path as possible.
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 5
Today in "Old People Have Sex, Too!": Geriatric actor Clint Eastwood has been separated from his wife Dina since June of last year—but is now romantically linked to Erica Tomlinson-Fisher, who was the wife of Dina's good, longtime friend Scott Fisher. But get this! According to Us magazine, Erica thought Dina and Scott had been playing footsy, so she visited Clint to share her suspicions... and then THEY started playing footsy, then Dina and Scott got together once they heard the news. So basically everybody just swapped spouses? What?? (Confidential to old people: Stop making your lives so complicated. To paraphrase the forever-wise Danny Glover, "You're too old for this shit.")
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 6
If you thought this week hit a nadir with that Kris Jenner sex tape, my, how wrong you were! Jenny McCarthy has started hosting The View, where she'll be campaigning against Evil Science Conspiracies™ like vaccines, fluoride, and Newton's law of universal gravitation. And she decided to have her boyfriend, Donnie Wahlberg, be her first guest! Shudder. Well, at least it can't get any worse... right? (Stay tuned to future installments of One Day at a Time, in which it will doubtlessly get worse.) MEANWHILE... If you thought this week hit a nadir with that Kris Jenner sex tape, my, how wrong you were! Blathering halfwit Dr. Phil is going to live forever—because TMZ says he owns one of the world's 16 CVAC devices, which retails for a cool $65,000, looks like "a giant pressurized egg," and allows people to climb inside and "help reverse the aging process." It's official: Real life is now as stupid and as boring as Star Trek. MEANWHILE... If you thought this week hit a nadir with that Kris Jenner sex tape, my, how wrong you were! "Pippi Longstocking's sex tape is one step closer to coming into your home," TMZ reports, noting that Tami Erin, the 39-year-old actress who played the beloved Pippi, is—actually, you know what? Let's just move on.
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 7
So... when's the last time you went to the Oregon Zoo? Follow-up question: DID YOU KILL ANYONE THERE??? A construction crew working at the zoo has discovered "the remains of nine unidentified people," according to the Oregonian! "Crews found not only skulls but also arm and leg bones, a full outline of a coffin, and a nearly complete skeleton," the O continued. "It's believed the remains are from long-dead residents of Hillside Farm, Multnomah County's old 160-acre poor farm and sanatorium for the mentally ill and those with infectious diseases." (In our enlightened era, the city maintains Alberta's Last Thursdays for such purposes.) In conclusion, zoo authorities are making a huge mistake by not turning over this investigation to trusty old Detective Elmore Elephant and his wisecracking partner, Cornelius Q. Otter, P.I.
SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 8
"'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all," Alfred Lord Tennyson wrote in 1850, and the words still hold true today—especially since Liam "Not Chris" Hemsworth is planning on giving Miley Cyrus a one-way ticket to Dumpsville! "Liam Hemsworth is looking for a 'clean break,'" claims Us Weekly, with an insider saying Hemsworth found Miley's VMA performance "mortifying," and that the two are "not even sleeping in the same room." "Look, leave me out of this," said Miley's giant foam finger. "She didn't tell me she was seeing anybody, honest." MEANWHILE... Someone else who might be thinking of Tennyson might be legally-not-a-murderer-but-still-totally-a-murderer George Zimmerman, whose wife Shellie has filed for divorce. The stress of murdering a teenager aside, the couple was also facing difficulties from being in hiding. "We have been pretty much like gypsies," Shellie told ABC News. "We've lived in a 20-foot trailer in the woods, scared every night that someone was going to find us and that we'd be out in the woods alone and that it would be horrific." (In the same interview, Shellie claimed Zimmerman's "not guilty" verdict made him feel "invincible" and that he'd been making some "reckless decisions." So! This can only go well!) THIS JUST IN! Good god, people. George Zimmerman has been arrested after he "punched his father-in-law in the nose and threatened to shoot him and his wife," says an update from ABC News, which reports that Shellie called 911 to say Zimmerman had "assaulted her father... and was waving a gun around." "I don't know what he's capable of," Shellie told the dispatcher. "I am really, really scared." And here you were, thinking this week hit a nadir with that Kris Jenner sex tape.