MONDAY, OCTOBER 7
Let's start with some news that the Kardashian family hopes we'll give two shits about: Karkrashian matriarch Kris Jenner and freakish-looking hubby Bruce Jenner are separated! OH NO! How can it possibly be... that we could not care less about this rotting piece of non-news? "We are living separately and we are much happier this way," the pair told E! News, who only cares because Keeping Up with the Kardashians is on their network. "Even though we are separated, we will always remain best friends, and...." ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ... huh? Wha? Oh, we just had the most boring dream where we were forced to watch two non-celebrities desperately trying to make us believe their stupid, boring lives are relevant to anyone other than themselves, and... OH GOD... IT WAS REAL! IN A RELATED STORY... Okay, there is one—and only one note of interest within this colossally tedious bit of gossip: According to sources talking to TMZ, hubby Bruce Jenner finally became so sick of his fakey relationship with fame-whore wife Kris, that he said "fuck this shit" so he could move to Malibu, and devote more time to his real passions—golf, racing cars, and remote control helicopters. YES. And we agree. Remote control helicopters are infinitely more interesting than Kris Jenner. MEANWHILE... Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia gave a very... umm... weird interview to New York magazine in which he talked about believing in the devil, why gay rights should be unconstitutional, and how foul-mouthed, potty-talkin' ladies are the reason society is plunging into a moral abyss. "You can't go to a movie—or watch a television show for that matter," Scalia opined, "without hearing the constant use of the F-word—including, you know, ladies using it. People that I know don't talk like that! But if you portray it a lot, the society's going to become that way. It's very sad." But even as the world plunges into a cesspool of immorality, there is one thing that keeps Scalia happy. "I loved Seinfeld," Scalia chirped. "In fact, I got some CDs of Seinfeld. Seinfeld was hilarious. Oh, boy. The Nazi soup kitchen? No soup for you!" Your Supreme Court justice, ladies and gentlemen. (Heavy sigh.)
TUESDAY, OCTOBER 8
In the second most boring, inconsequential gossip of the week, the Jonas Brothers are canceling their upcoming tour! "OH, NO! Who are the Jonas Brothers? And why are they canceling their tour?" Because this three-brother pop group like each other just about as much as we like them—which is to say, they hate each other's guts. "There is a deep rift within the band," Jonas Brothers spokesman Jesse Derris told People magazine. "There was a big disagreement over their music direction." OH NO! Though in their defense, it must be very difficult to decide whether their music should be "unlistenable teeny-bop crap," or "desperately longing to be Justin Timberlake." Good luck, you crazy (boring) kids!
WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 9
Recently we shared the story of the hilarious Twatter feud between late-night comedian Jimmy Kimmel and megalomaniac Kanye West—in which the rap star was gravely insulted after being portrayed in a sketch by a mouthy child actor. Well, tonight the pair decided to bury the hatchet when Kanye appeared on Jimmy's show for an epic 25-minute interview which included Kimmel apologizing for the slight, and West ramping into yet another lengthy, nonsensical rant. Here is a portion of his eight-minute-long manifesto, which we admit is out of context... but believe us when we say it also doesn't make sense in context. "When people line up for the Yeezy, they say, 'Oh wow this is really genius,'" said the genius. "But currently in fashion, there's no black guy at the end of the runway in Paris, [and] in all honesty, and that's what I was talking about when The Truman Show hit the boat." Umm... what? And then... "Richard Pryor always just wanted a clean plate, he just wanted to serve his stuff up on a clean plate," Kanye said... in regard to a clean plate? WE'RE SORRY, WE JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT! But we did understand Kanye very plainly when he actually uttered the following words: "Kim Kardashian deserves a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame." IN A RELATED STORY... Oh helllll no, she doesn't!
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 10
In sex news you didn't want to hear: Do you remember the Duggars? The Christian couple and stars of the reality show 19 Kids and Counting? Well, the Duggars announced today they are having sex (ew!)—and trying to conceive their 20th child. "I would be so grateful if the Lord blessed us with another one," said the 47-year-old Michelle Duggar to a shocked and disgusted world. "If not, we are so thankful and grateful for the ones that God has given us so far." In response, God said, "Umm... those kids? That was obviously a clerical error. Why would I give anyone 20 kids? I'm not Satan." MEANWHILE... In response to Miley Cyrus' wicked burn on Matt Lauer, in which she accused people over 40 of not having sex, 66-year-old former TV bombshell Suzanne Somers put aside her walker and gingerly climbed atop her soapbox. "We [her and 77-year-old hubby Alan Hamel] have sex a couple of times a day," Suzanne overshared with the cast of The Talk. "He's on hormones and I'm on hormones. What is it about men at four in the morning? And then I'm really awake around eight or so.... We have busy mornings." Again, God responds, "Wow. Sorry... another clerical error. Someone in our geriatric abilities department is going to get a good talking to!"
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 11
Speaking of Justin Timberlake wannabes: Extremely grotesque pop star Robin Thicke (perhaps you've heard his semi-rapey hit "Blurred Lines"?) spoke out during an interview on Oprah's Next Chapter, regarding his twerky performance at the VMAs with Miley Cyrus. When asked if he thought the performance was overtly sexual, Thicke played extremely dumb, replying, "I was onstage, I didn't see it. I'm looking up at the sky singing and I'm not really paying attention to all that. That's on her. People ask me, 'Do you twerk?' I go, 'Listen, I'm the twerkee. I'm just twerked upon." Despite Thicke's incredibly lame attempt to throw Miley under the bus, as it turns out? There were witnesses to the rehearsal process. In a Reddit "Ask Me Anything" session, an actress playing one of the bears in the twerking skit refutes the assertion Thicke didn't know what was going to happen. "Most of it was pretty planned," said the actress bear. "[Miley and Robin] both knew in rehearsals exactly what they were going to be doing. Robin seemed very on board and even suggested some of the moves." YOUR HONOR. Due to the abundance of Robin Thicke's misogynistic lies, we hereby declare Miley Cyrus to be (somewhat) innocent, and demand a mistrial! (However, our client would still like to plead guilty to multiple charges of "sticking her tongue out too much.")
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 12
Bad news for you Fifty Shades of Grey fans (we're looking at you, Mom!): Actor Charlie Hunnam—best known as Jax from TV's Sons of Anarchy—has dropped out of the film version of the absolutely terrible E.L. James bestseller. Why? While the official word is that his busy schedule isn't giving him enough time to prepare for the creepy, sadistic character of Christian Grey, snoopy inside sources say to the Hollywood Reporter that Hunnan "was overwhelmed with the attention he received from being cast in the movie" and exited because of the "media and fan frenzy that came along with it." So sorry, Mom! Perhaps if you're lucky they'll find someone else... or maybe the rest of us will get lucky and they won't.
SUNDAY, OCTOBER 13
Today hordes of the worst people in the world (tea baggy conservatives) descended on Washington, DC, and in particular the closed World War II Memorial and Lincoln Memorial—tearing away the barricades to protest the government shutdown... WHICH THEY HELPED CAUSE. Masquerading as a "Million Vet March," the Teabaggers squealed in impotent fury at the broken government system they've created, and were joined by the impotently furious Larry Klayman of the conservative advocacy group Freedom Watch, who actually said the following: "I call upon all of you," Klayman bellowed at his thick-witted audience, "to demand that this president leave town, to get up, to put the Koran down, to get up off his knees, and to figuratively come out with his hands up." These are the people we're allowing to control our government and our lives. So congratulations, Teabaggers—in our book? You're now worse than the Kardashians.