MONDAY, JANUARY 13
The early bird gets the worm—and while many celebrities are still snug and warm in their beds, Kanye West is out in the world, beating down 18-year-olds, and making the job for gossip columnists very easy indeed. TMZ reported that Kanye, perhaps justifiably, attacked a foul-mouthed teen today—for saying the n-word to Kim Kardashian. OH DEAR. Apparently Kim was surrounded by paparazzi as she tried to enter a chiropractor's office, but was being helped inside by the 18-year-old in question—nice, right? WRONG, because the teen started screaming at the photogs, "Fuck these fa**ot-ass ni***rs." When Kim told him he was using inappropriate language, the teen then turned on her, allegedly saying, "Fuck you, bitch. Just trying to help you. Shut up, ni***r lover, stupid slut." Again, OH DEAR. In a wink, Kim was on the phone to Kanye, who just happened to be nearby, and came storming into the building like an enraged (but fashionably attired) bull, and, according to TMZ, began "pummeling [the] 18-year-old guy with more than 30 blows... as Kim just stood there and silently watched the beating." An employee came out to break up the battle, and Kanye was sent on his way, leaving the teen swearing he would press charges. Three things to take away from this altercation: (1) "Good Samaritans" should stay away from the "n-word," (2) for a guy who wears a lot of polo shirts, Kanye certainly does have a temper, and (3) rather than wind up on the receiving end of 30 blows, we're going to stay quiet about Kim Kardashian for a while.
TUESDAY, JANUARY 14
How much does America hate Justin Bieber? Enough to send 11 sheriff cars and "a BATTERING RAM UNIT" (according to Radar Online) to the little douchebag's home after he was accused of egging a neighbor's house. The incident allegedly took place last week, when a neighbor telephoned police and claimed he caught Bieber throwing eggs at his front door, and later, at the neighbor himself. Because everything in this particular neighborhood is oh-so-fancy, the egging caused an estimated $20,000 in damage (???), which raises this otherwise minor crime to a felony, and so? WEEE-OOOO-WEEE-OOOO, 11 police cars and the aforementioned "BATTERING RAM UNIT" descended upon Justin's mansion. (Let's pause for a moment to reflect on how insanely preposterous this story is so far. Heavy sigh. Okay, let's continue....) While the cops did not have to use the "BATTERING RAM UNIT" to enter Bieber's house (frowny face emoticon!), they did confine Justin in his garage, confiscate his phone, and search the premises—presumably for any leftover eggs. UNBELIEVABLY, THE STORY GETS BETTER. While it's unclear if there were any telltale eggs in JB's fridge, police did discover a different kind of "bad egg"—Justin's longtime pal, rapper Lil Za who was inside the mansion and caught carrying Molly... a form of ecstasy that young people enjoy and Miley Cyrus sings about occasionally. That—along with "egg-streme" egging—is also classified as a felony, which means that Lil Za is looking at serious prison time, while Lil Biebs could be deported back to his embarrassed home country of Canada (fingers crossed!!). In other words, the "yolk" might be "egg-sactly" on him! (Heh, good night, and don't forget to tip your waitress.)
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 15
Enough about dumb young people... let's talk about dumb old people—in this case, America's former sweetheart Julia Roberts. During an interview while promoting her new hillbilly family flick August: Osage County, Julia expressed her concern over social media and specifically Twatter... which she doesn't really understand, like, at all. "I guess I just don't get it," Julia said. "The idea of internet or Twitter... I picture Twitter on a pager, which I know is also antiquated... I don't know where you Twitter!" Calm down, Grandma Roberts. We'll get your medicine. (Can someone please email her and explain what Twatter is? Be sure to use her AOL account.)
THURSDAY, JANUARY 16
Speaking of the internet, anyone who currently uses it is being forced to choose whether they are pro or con Girls creator Lena Dunham. Last week you'll recall Lena was being besieged by a misogynistic male TV critic, who seemed to generally like nudity, but not when SHE'S doing it. (Update: This dipshit still hasn't figured out why that's offensive.) This week, Lena's home team (the women at the very popular women-focused celebrity/lifestyle site Jezebel) also turned against her, offering $10,000 for unretouched images from Dunham's recent Vogue photo shoot. Their presumed point? To prove that Vogue retouches photos of celebrities, which everyone—even Grandma Julia Roberts—already knows. We could screech all day about this, but better to let Jezebel commenter (and now former reader) Penny have her say: "It doesn't matter what [Jezebel's] intention was, if your actions are as problematic as, say, offering a bounty in exchange for ILLEGALLY OBTAINED IMAGES OF A WOMAN'S BODY WITHOUT HER CONSENT IN ORDER TO GENERATE REVENUE FOR YOUR WEBSITE." She then wisely added, "You're specifically inviting people to come in and do a compare and contrast over the image of a woman who committed the unforgivable crime of having a body that the media decided to alter, just like every other body on the cover of Vogue." What she said. Hope the clicks were worth it, Jezebel.
FRIDAY, JANUARY 17
Speaking of body obsession: Ben Affleck has a gigantic penis! That's the word according to TV producer Chuck Lorre, who for some reason informed everyone at the Producers Guild of America Awards that he'd seen Affleck's "gigli" at the urinals in the Golden Globes men's room. "Yes, I peeked, and yes, he can play Batman," Lorre said onstage, according to the wang-obsessed Us. Affleck was, of course, delighted. "I'm often confused with Matt Damon," Affleck humblebragged, "but rarely with Michael Fassbender, so it's a nice change." Here at One Day at a Time, we hereby swear to you, our valued readers, we will dutifully cover any and all future developments regarding Ben Affleck's colossal penis. (Though we won't offer $10,000 to see it.)
SATURDAY, JANUARY 18
Speaking of big dicks, Sweet Cakes by Melissa—the Oregon bakery that refuses to make cakes for same-sex couples—is in the news again. Sweet Cakes (which is located, natch, in Gresham) cited "religious belief" last January when declining to make a cake for two women—thereby clearly breaking Oregon's anti-discrimination laws. Yesterday, the Oregon Bureau of Labor and Industries announced there was "substantial evidence" Sweet Cakes "unlawfully discriminated against the couple based on their sexual orientation," according to ABC News. KATU News tracked down Sweet Cakes' owners, Aaron and Melissa Klein, to get their (duhhhh) side of the story. "I'm not sure what the future holds," the martyr-like Aaron Klein moaned to reporters. "It's almost as if the state is hostile toward Christian businesses." No, Einstein, we aren't hostile toward Christian business. We're hostile toward bigots. Now, we know this might be a difficult concept for a homophobic moron to understand—so maybe we should spell it out for you? In icing?
SUNDAY, JANUARY 19
Today was almost the best day ever... until some stupid surfer ruined it. "While swimming in the ocean in Hawaii, actress Anne Hathaway was seen screaming for help while she was stuck in a rip current," Page Six reported, while straining to suppress an evil cackle. The profoundly obnoxious Hathaway was on vacation in Oahu with her unlucky husband, Adam Shulman, when she was caught in the current—and "seen waving her arms wildly and shouting as she was nearly swept away"! Unfortunately, the Pacific Ocean quickly came to its senses and reneged on drowning her. "Shit! Wait! No! Somebody take her back!" the largest of Earth's mighty oceans exclaimed. "I didn't know who she was! Ugh, Les Miserables is the worst! Somebody get her back to shore!" Surprisingly, that somebody wasn't Shulman—who, Page Six reports, was relaxing on the beach, "unable to hear her" (good cover story, Adam!). Instead, a local surfer (who obviously also didn't realize the colossal mistake he was making) "raced out to rescue her with a boogie board" and brought her safely back to land, where she will continue to deeply annoy the entirety of the human race. GODDAMMIT. Thanks for nothing, idiot.