MONDAY, FEBRUARY 10
Yes, yes... we'll get to Justin Bieber in just a moment. But first? Let's wet our whistle with the almost-as-annoying Shia LaBeouf! As you surely recall, Shia has been acting like a horse's ass ever since he was caught red-handed plagiarizing the work of cartoonist Daniel Clowes. After a series of apologies/non-apologies (many of which were also plagiarized), LaBeef announced to the world he is "no longer famous" and has taken to walking around wearing a paper bag on his head—because... umm... he doesn't want to attract attention? What—a—dipshit. Anyway, this weekend, Shia removed the bag to attend a press conference to answer questions about his newest film, Nymphomaniac ... or should we say, "question"? The first query came from a reporter who asked Shia what it was like to be in a movie with so many sex scenes, to which the now "non-famous" actor replied, "When the seagulls follow the trawler, it's because they think sardines will be thrown into the sea." Mr. Beef then said, "thank you," left the room, AND NEVER RETURNED. (For those playing along at home, that seagulls/sardines quote was plagiarized from French soccer legend Eric Cantona, thank you, drop the mic, and leave the room, NEVER TO RETURN.)
TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 11
Just joking! We would never leave you when there's still so much more Shia LaBeouf to talk about! Because he is simply not strange enough, the bag-disguised actor rented an empty LA gallery to launch an art project called "#IAMSORRY" (a direct rip-off of artist Marina Abramovic's 2010 MoMA piece, "The Artist Is Present," because... LA BEEF!). According to Daily Beast writer Andrew Romano (hey, he copied our name!), the "exhibit" consisted of a table filled with LaBeouf memorabilia—the whip from Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, a Transformer from Transformers... you get the idea. The viewer was then escorted into a room where LaBeouf sat behind a table wearing a bag over his face inscribed with the words, "I AM NOT FAMOUS ANYMORE." (Jesus Christ, what a pretentious idiot.) Apparently LaBeouf just sits and stares silently while the viewer asks questions. AND THAT'S IT. However, the writer did get LaBeouf to take off the bag momentarily, and described it thusly: "He looked miserable. I'm pretty sure he had been crying." Unfortunately, the writer did not react in the same way as the rest of us... by getting two inches away from his face and yelling, "BOOOOOO! You SUCK." MEANWHILE... Directly next door to LaBeouf's gallery, another art show opened called, "#IAMSORRYTOO." Weirdly, this exhibit starring TV and film star Jerry O'Connell was remarkably similar in visuals and tone to LaBeouf's show—which as we mentioned was right next door. One entered to see a table of O'Connell memorabilia (including a copy of Stand By Me), and then the actor himself wearing a paper bag on his head emblazoned with the words, "Super Famous." However, unlike the silent LaBeouf, O'Connell continuously bawled like a baby as he apologized for every wrong every person in the world had ever committed—because he is hilarious and not an insufferable prick. Bravo, Mr. O'Connell! Somebody give this man the National Medal of Arts!
WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 12
Uggh, fine, let's talk about Justin Bieber. First the bad news: Though it was widely reported as fact, LA Clippers basketball star Blake Griffin did NOT "smack the shit" out of Justin Bieber at a Starbucks for walking around without a shirt and ordering a caramel apple macchiato. Bieber was rumored to be arguing with a Starbucks employee about being forced to don a shirt when the Griffin "shit smacking" transpired—but c'mon. (A) Bieber wasn't even in LA at the time, and (B) ordering a caramel apple macchiato ALONE is reason enough to have the shit smacked out of you. MEANWHILE... After spending a night partying with P. Diddy, Justin was allegedly so inspired by the rap mogul—according to the Daily Mail—that he quietly changed his name on Instagram to... brace yourselves... Bizzle. You know... as in "fo shizzle"? Dear god... can someone please smack the shit out of his caramel-apple-macchiato-drinking face?
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 13
Handsome rapper Drake—who we, and Amanda Bynes, generally adore—really stuck his foot in it today when he went on a Twatter tirade that unfortunately invoked the name of the late and far more beloved Philip Seymour Hoffman. The rapper was furious that he had been misquoted by Rolling Stone, and apparently even angrier that the magazine gave Hoffman the cover instead of him. "They took my cover from me last minute and ran the issue," Drake twattered. "I'm disgusted with that. R.I.P. to Philip Hoffman. All respect due. But the press is evil." UH OH. Aaaand cue sniveling apology in three... two... one.... "I completely support and agree with Rolling Stone replacing me on the cover with the legendary Philip Seymour Hoffman," Drake wrote in a blog post after the entirety of the internet dog-piled on top of him. "I apologize... because in no way would I ever want to offend the Hoffman family." Thanks for the apology, Drake, and in your defense, you're neither Shia LaBeouf nor Justin Bieber.
FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 14
In VALENTINE'S DAY news... Today at a Human Rights Campaign conference in Las Vegas, fantastic/charming/talented/all-around great actress Ellen Page gave one hell of an inspiring speech. "I am here today because I am gay," Page eloquently said, "and because maybe I can make a difference, to help others have an easier and more hopeful time.... I am tired of hiding and I am tired of lying by omission. I suffered for years because I was scared to be out. My spirit suffered, my mental health suffered, and my relationships suffered. And I'm standing here today, with all of you, on the other side of all that pain." Well, that's just about the best Valentine's thing ever, so let's just skip right to Saturday, and not mention the "gift" Hubby Kip got for us. (FYI, gents, finding an already-open box of candy hearts and a half-used lube tube on your pillow? Not the best way to wake up.)
SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 15
And as quickly as Ellen Page restored our faith in humanity, here comes Paula Deen to squash it back down! Deen—who we'd hoped had been sucked into some bottomless hell-abyss for racists who kill people with diabetes (that's Dante's... fourth level of Hell? We think?)—is currently discussing a comeback with "TV networks, retail chains, and other possible partners," according to the Wall Street Journal. And here's the thing that'll make you want to drown yourself in sugar butter: Thanks to investors, Deen's already made between $75 million and $100 million for her return. (And there you were, reading about Bizzle, thinking things couldn't get any worse this week.)
SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 16
Oregon's conspiracy theorists: still ruining everything for everyone! You'd think they'd be content with letting Portland's children have their teeth rot out of their heads, but Oregon's fluoride-hating, dimwit parents have now made our proud state number one in the country... when it comes to not vaccinating our children! A 2012 study led by Saad Omer, an Emory University professor of public health, found that over six percent of Oregon's kindergartners had gotten "non-medical exemptions" for vaccinations. And that six percent is a big deal, says Mother Jones: "If even a seemingly small number of kids across the state aren't getting their shots, the immunity rate of the entire community can drop below safe levels." In other words, Oregonians: We're living in a Petri dish. If you don't want to vaccinate your little snot-clogged cretins, that's your call—so long as you go live in a charming little corner of Antarctica. But if you want to live here? In society? Vaccinate your damn kids. Otherwise they're all going to die of whooping cough. And probably make us deathly ill, too. And when we die, you won't have anyone to inform you of the idiocy Shia LaBeouf got up to this week. And—let's be honest—that'd be the real tragedy in this scenario.