MONDAY, APRIL 7
Your full attention, darlings: Grotesque harpy Kim Kardashian has written a blog post titled "2 Things I Have to Get off My Chest." Kim writes, "I know I should ignore these things, but I'm just in that mood today. #1) I instagramed a pic of Thailand I found on Google thanking Thailand for the memories we had on our recent trip. I never claimed to have taken that pic. It was the best pic to show how pretty Thailand was... I see today people are calling me a fraud... but ummm when did I ever say I took that pic? LOL!" Ummm... ever heard of copyright infringement, Kim? LOL! Let's move on to this idiot's second gripe. Kim continues, "#2) I recently saw how several websites falsely reported that I had 6-hour spa treatments daily... Not once did I get a massage... manicure or any other spa treatment. NOT ONE! I just hate when tabloids or websites lie about things so I am in the mood to blog because my daughter finally went down for a nap and I am here bored!" Note to fellow gossip columns and websites: Our secret plan to drive Kim Kardashian insane is coming to fruition! Cue evil cackle. BWAAAA-HA-HA-HAAAA. Keep up the good work.
TUESDAY, APRIL 8
Oh, goodie. Another wildly overrated celebrity is mad at us. Us Weekly reports that sexbot Scarlett Johansson would really appreciate it if we stop calling her "ScarJo." Says ScarJo, "It's lazy and flippant. And there's something kind of violent about it. There's something insulting about it." Thank you, ScarJo. Here are our counterpoints: (1) It is lazy, but easier to remember than the double Ts and Ss in your annoying name. (2) Scars aren't necessarily "violent"—we have a cute one on our butt after accidentally sitting on a coffee can. (3) The reason it sounds insulting is because we're insulting you. Glad we could clear that up... ... ... ... "ScarJo." MEANWHILE... In the latest issue of Elle, teen wunderkind Tavi Gevinson (Rookie magazine) interviewed tongue wunderkind Miley Cyrus. And it wasn't especially interesting... except for this: When Tavi asked Miley about feminism, the Twerkmaster General responded, "Guy rappers grab their crotch all fucking day and have hos around them, but no one talks about it. But if I grab my crotch and I have hot model bitches around me, I'm degrading women?" Umm... yes... when you refer to them as "hos" and "hot model bitches." (Tavi? For the love of god, explain it to her. We're too old.)
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 9
According to the Oregonian, Multnomah County prosecutors will not pursue charges against Edwin Honeycutt III, the owner of the Mr. Formal tuxedo and formalwear company, who stands accused of pulling a laser-sighted gun on another driver during an alleged road rage incident in Southeast Portland. Timothy James Short told police that Honeycutt (who shall henceforth be called Mr. Formal for the sake of hilarity) was following him and driving recklessly. When Short pulled up to a stoplight, he says he waved a white tissue at Mr. Formal "as a sign of truce." (??) Mr. Formal allegedly responded by pointing his laser-sighted, semi-automatic Ruger .380 at Short and saying, "This is what I do!" Originally, Mr. Formal denied pulling his gun, until the police wondered how Short could have given such an accurate description of the weapon. That's when Mr. Formal admitted he was holding the gun on his (probably well-pressed and expertly tailored) pant leg—but never pointed it. Short agreed not to pursue charges after Mr. Formal officially lost his concealed weapons permit. Was justice ultimately served? NO, because the stupid Oregonian neglected to answer the most important question: Was Mr. Formal wearing his tuxedo or not? (He must have been... right?)
THURSDAY, APRIL 10
"Amanda [Bynes] has no mental illness whatsoever," said a clearly mentally ill Lynn Bynes, Amanda's mom, to the press. According to multiple sources, the historically troubled star may be out of the psych ward, but her mom says that the diagnosed schizophrenic and bipolar Amanda has stopped taking her prescribed medication. "[Amanda] is very sorry for all the hurtful tweets [like saying the Obamas are ugly, and asking Drake to "murder" her vagina—Ann], and actions [like throwing a bong out her apartment window and nearly setting her dog on fire—Ann] that occurred while she was under the influence of marijuana." OHHHHH, so it's marijuana's fault? [Note to Amanda Bynes' dog: Hide the gas can, and get out of the house.]
FRIDAY, APRIL 11
Katherine Heigl is suing Duane Reade (the New York City drugstore chain, not the boy we let feel us up at Kelly Huffberger's ninth-grade graduation party)! The reason? The drugstore had the gall to tweet a picture of the actress! "Love a quick #DuaneReade run? Even @KatieHeigl can't resist shopping #NYC's favorite drugstore," the remarkably boring, slightly desperate tweet read—accompanied by a paparazzi pic of Heigl tromping out of the drugstore with two bags of undisclosed supplies. ("Is Rid still a thing?" asked TMZ. Nice, TMZ.) Naturally, the tweet infuriated good ol' unlikeable Heigl. "Plaintiff is a highly successful television and motion picture actress, producer, and celebrity" her remarkably boring, slightly desperate lawsuit reads—with just a touch of wishful thinking, given that nobody has been able to stand her since Grey's Anatomy. Hey, Heigl! Time to stop whining and start thinking: How about instead of suing the only people who aren't embarrassed to be associated with you, maybe offer to be the spokesperson for Duane Reade? Just a thought! (Ooh, that reminds us! Duane, our very, very belated apologies for ditching you at that party! We sincerely hope you've figured this out by now, but it's usually a good idea to go over the bra first, not try to cram your hand in under. Mwah!)
SATURDAY, APRIL 12
This new pope... we... we might like him? Yesterday, Pope Francis "made his first public plea for forgiveness on behalf of priests who have abused children," reports the Los Angeles Times. "The church is aware of this damage," Francis said at the Vatican. "It is personal, moral damage carried about by men of the church, and we will not take one step backward with regard to how we will deal with this problem and the sanctions that must be imposed." Look at that! A pope taking responsibility for the heinous actions enabled by his church? Well done, Francis! Why, it's almost enough to make us not snicker whenever Catholics bring up one of their funny little stories from the Bible. Almost. MEANWHILE... Speaking of myths, the United Nations' Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change is SUPER SERIOUS about making anyone who doesn't believe humans are causing climate change shut up already. As you might remember from a few weeks ago [One Day at a Time, April 2], the panel offered a dire forecast, warning that unless humanity changes everything right this second, Earth will be subject to "death or injury on a widespread scale," food shortages, mass migrations, and "violent conflict over land or other resources." In the latest chunk from the 2,500-page report, the panel stressed urgency of action, finding "decades of foot-dragging by political leaders had propelled humanity into a critical situation," the New York Times reports. "We cannot afford to lose another decade," said Ottmar Edenhofer, the delightfully named co-chairman of the panel. "If we lose another decade, it becomes extremely costly to achieve climate stabilization." Annd... cue a few more decades of political foot-dragging.
SUNDAY, APRIL 13
So, changed all your passwords yet? The internet almost crumbled this week thanks to the discovery of Heartbleed, a gaping security vulnerability present in almost every single "secure" website. Bloomberg was quick to post a story saying that the National Security Agency had known about the bug "for at least two years... and regularly used it to gather critical intelligence." Thanks for nothing, NSA! Naturally, the Obama administration promptly denied knowing anything about Heartbleed before the rest of us. When asked for comment about whether or not the Obama administration was lying, Edward Snowden couldn't stop laughing.