MONDAY, FEBRUARY 16 Welcome once again to One Day at a Time, where—just like Kanye West—our success is fueled by sexual addiction. Oh, you didn't read Kanye's interview in the newest Details? It's like reading The Idiot's Guide to Hiphop Megastardom. Lesson number one: Think highly of oneself. "I'm the fucking end-all, be-all of music," Kanye humbly stated. "I have like, nuclear power—like a superhero, like Cyclops when he puts his glasses on." Lesson two: Use your sexual addiction to focus energy into your art—like when Kanye was in the seventh grade and produced an X-rated videogame. "The main character was, like, a giant penis," Kanye said. "It was like Mario Bros., but the ghosts were, like, vaginas. The penis, y'know, had little feet and eyes." Lesson three: Realize this is why you'll never be a success in America, and begin bashing your head on the table. MEANWHILE... This coming Sunday's Academy Awards presentation is going to be AMAZING for at least two reasons: (1) Horsy-faced Jennifer Aniston somehow managed to score a date this year... with an actual MAN, no less, and (2) it will be the first time Jen and that plump-lipped, husband-stealing harpy Angelina Jolie will be in the same room together! Five bucks says the tranquilizers wear off just before she awards the Oscar for "Best Animated Short," at which time she'll gallop off the stage and trample Jolie underneath her Jimmy Choo satin pumps.
TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 17 Speaking of animalistic behavior, the New York Post has once again put the "k" in "klassy" by publishing a wildly offensive editorial cartoon which had many accusing them of racism. Penned by Sean Delonas, the cartoon pictures two cops (one holding a smoking gun) standing over a bullet-riddled chimpanzee as one officer says, "They'll have to find someone else to write the next stimulus bill." All together now... "HUH??" While cartoonists often reference popular news stories—in this case, Obama's hard-pushed stimulus bill, and a Connecticut chimpanzee that went berserk and nearly killed its owner before being shot by police—this particular cartoon was dumbfoundingly dumb... and wide open to interpretation. Reverend Al Sharpton spoke out against the cartoon's racist implications saying, "Being that the stimulus bill has been the first legislative victory of President Barack Obama and has become synonymous with him, it is not a reach to wonder: Are they inferring that a monkey wrote the last bill?" Unsurprisingly, the Post's Editor Col Allan hid behind the paper's public relations representative who defended their decision thusly: "The cartoon is a clear parody of a current news event. Again Al Sharpton reveals himself as nothing more than a publicity opportunist." Wait... isn't a public relations person supposed to smooth relations with the public?
WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 18 It appears that Mayor Sam Adams' barely legal former paramour Beau Breedlove is quickly learning that the road to scandal is paved with (bwaaa-ha-ha-ha!) MONEY. Unzipped magazine—"the news magazine of gay adult entertainment"—announced today that Breedlove has accepted their undisclosed monetary offer to appear in a nude photo shoot. "[Breedlove] came to LA to prove that the Portland scandal does not define his sexuality," drooled Unzipped Online Editor Sean Carnage. "The photos portray the real Beau—a confident and extremely handsome young man who is openly sensual, openly sexual, and has nothing to hide." Wow! It sounds like Beau has really turned over a new leaf! We're really liking this new, honest/nude Breedlove. (If only he could've been this honest/nude two years ago.)
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 19 The trial of Iraqi journalist Muntadhar al-Zeidi began today in Baghdad, and not only did al-Zeidi happily admit to throwing his shoes at former President Bush during a press conference—it sounds like he'd do it again. When asked why he chose to attack a foreign dignitary in such a manner, al-Zeidi replied, "I was seeing a whole country in calamity while Bush was giving a cold and spiritless smile. He was saying goodbye after causing the death of many Iraqis and economic destruction." Now, if this were an '80s teen comedy, someone in the courtroom would start a slow clap that would eventually build to full and rousing applause from everyone in the world. Why can't life be more like an '80s teen comedy? MEANWHILE! Last week someone from Jay-Z's crew threatened the life of pop star/alleged Rihanna abuser Chris Brown, but this week he's in REAL TROUBLE, because comedian Roseanne Barr is going after him... on HER BLOG. "Chris Brown's lies and excuses make me want to beat the crap out of him... he uses the language of the perpetrator just like every sleazy bastard who ever smacked his wife, kid, mother, or girlfriend... you dirty bastard, I hope you go to prison for 10 years. IT'S YOUR FAULT, ASSHOLE!" (Silence. Cue '80s teen comedy clap.)
FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 20 "At the current rate, nearly 100 [financial] institutions—with a combined $50 billion in assets—will collapse by year's end," reported CNN today, warning of a continuing "wave of bank failures" in 2009. We've told you before, dear readers, and we'll tell you again: Put the money under the mattress. Stock up on canned sardines and Spam. Hide the Jimmy Choos. Load the shotgun. THE APOCALYPSE IS NEAR. MEANWHILE... In more troubling financial news, even the Girl Scouts are having a hard time! In a story titled "Girl Scout Cookie Sales Crumbling" (groan!), USA Today cracked, "Sales are a little thin for mint and other Girl Scout Cookies so far this year." (Journalism fail.) Apparently, Girl Scouts everywhere are finding that sales for cookies like Trefoils, Samoas, and Do-Si-Dos are down nearly 20 percent from last year thanks to the economy. Actually, on second thought, we're fine with this. Go ahead and don't buy Girl Scout cookies, dears. Keep eating your fistfuls of Spam. If it means more Thin Mints for us, we're totes okay with the apocalypse.
SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 21 Tonight all of Hollywood gathered for their annual celebration of their filmmaking prowess, with Mike Myers and Paris Hilton taking home top honors. At this year's Razzie Awards, Myers' The Love Guru won Worst Picture and Worst Screenplay, Myers won Worst Actor, and Paris Hilton was recognized for both Worst Actress for The Hottie and the Nottie and Worst Supporting Actress for Repo! The Genetic Opera. Now, we're all for making fun of celebrities—hello, look at our column!—but going after Mike Myers and Paris Hilton just seems kinda... we don't know... easy. (Which we suppose makes it appropriate, at least in Hilton's case. Because she sleeps around! Eh? Eh? Ka-zing! We are on fire this week!)
SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 22 Tonight the 81st Annual Academy Awards featured a touching tribute to one of Hollywood's brightest talents whose star was dimmed entirely too soon. "I said to myself I'd rather have Loki for another two years than an Oscar," Best Actor nominee Mickey Rourke said on the red carpet, tears welling in his eyes as he discussed his recently deceased Chihuahua. Rourke, who wore not only a pendant featuring Loki's image but about 10 years' worth of botched plastic surgery, continued, "She stayed as long as she could, you know... she left me at a time where, after 18 years, she knew I'd be all right." MEANWHILE... Enough about creepy Mickey Rourke's creepy dead dog! Tonight Slumdog Millionaire won a ton of Oscars, culminating in a Best Picture acceptance speech wherein the entire country of India crowded onto the stage at the Kodak Theatre. The slum-dwelling child actors who appeared in the film were flown in for the Academy Awards, and were lucky enough to hang out with celebrities whose annual earnings dwarf the entire GNP of their country. Gives you such a warm, fuzzy feeling, doesn't it? MEANWHILE... As mentioned earlier, tonight also marked the first time Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie appeared in the same room since the divorce (awwwkward!), but then... nothing happened! No hair pulling, no eye scratching, no hissing noises. Come on, Oscars. You give us three hours of Hugh Jackman doing showtunes, but you don't give us what we really want? That's why no one watches these things!