MONDAY, JULY 7
This weekend, rapper Kanye West answered the question that's plagued music scholars for generations: How long can one rant on stage until one is booed? Yeezus was performing in London at the Wireless outdoor music festival, when he suddenly decided to take a 20-minute rant break. Wearing a bedazzled Spider-Man-style mask (???), Kanye started by name-dropping famous designers. "I'm not going to mention any names," he said, "but... Nike, Louis Vuitton, and Gucci." He then went on to chastise his audience (something just about every paying audience member adores) for discriminating against him for being "a black man making music," and the paparazzi for taking his picture. "I want to bring my family to the movies without 30 motherfuckers following me," he barked. "[For example] sex is great when you and your partner... both want to. But if one of those people don't want to do that... that's called rape." OHH PLEAAASE, KANYE. You should know by now that "rape" is the only thing that can be compared to "rape." Don't you ever read this column?? It's unclear if the loud (and justified!) booing caused Kanye to stop at the 20-minute mark, or if he simply ran out of things to say... wait. Who are we kidding? If everyone in the audience had gotten up and quietly left, he'd still be ranting right now.
TUESDAY, JULY 8
Regular readers of One Day are still scratching their heads over what really happened in the "Great Elevator Brawl of 2014"—where Beyoncé's sister Solange Knowles went Tasmanian Devil all over Jay-Z in an elevator after this year's Met Gala. Well it appeared that this question would finally be answered with Solange's cover story in this month's Lucky magazine—except, of course, it wasn't. "What's important is that my family and I are all good," Solange cagily told the magazine. "What we had to say collectively was in the statement that we put out, and we all feel at peace with that." Okay. Three things. (1) Solange Knowles does not get to decide what's important for the rest of us! (2) Solange Knowles said ABSOLUTELY NOTHING in that original statement. NOTHING! And, (3) the rest of us are NOT AT PEACE WITH THAT. Apparently Solange didn't get the memo, but the only reason anyone cares about her at all is because of that elevator brawl. Otherwise, she's just La Toya 2.0. (Burn! Snap! Spill the beans, sister.)
WEDNESDAY, JULY 9
Justice is finally (somewhat) served in the now famous Justin Bieber egging case. As you surely recall back in January, America's most innocent little darling was accused of throwing eggs at his neighbor's house, causing a whopping $20,000 in damage. The LA County district attorney eventually ended up charging the rapidly aging douchebag with "misdemeanor vandalism"—forcing Bieb's army of increasingly exhausted lawyers to concoct an elaborate plea deal to keep him out of jail. As it stands, Bieber will be on probation for one year, pay back the neighbor for all the damage done to his house, and perform some kind of "community service"—which hopefully will include standing absolutely still as everyone he's ever wronged throws eggs at his smirky, shithead face. (Dibs on being first in line!)
THURSDAY, JULY 10
Speaking of being first in line, Portland potheads saw their dreams partially come true today when Main Street Marijuana—one of the nation's first legal pot stores—opened its doors in Vancouver, Washington. Unsurprisingly, the first five people in line were from Oregon, and even more unsurprisingly, everyone was complaining about the prices being too damn high. But this is nevertheless a big deal for lovers of weed, and hopefully will contribute to making recreational marijuana legal to purchase in our own state. (Personally, we cannot wait. Hubby Kip keeps inviting his dealer into our living room, and it takes an entire can of Glade "Hawaiian Breeze" air freshener to get rid of the smell.)
FRIDAY, JULY 11
Let's kick off the weekend, dears, with a bit of devastating news: Eva Mendes is pregnant with Ryan Gosling's baby! Wait, did we say "devastating"? We meant "exciting" and "thrilling" and "we're totes not disappointed or angry at all about that goddamn Mendes beating the rest of us to it." Moving on! "She's been ready for motherhood for a while now," an anonymous source says of Mendes to OK! magazine, "and to be sharing this experience with Ryan is a dream come true for her!" OF COURSE IT IS, YOU IDIOT ANONYMOUS SOURCE! IT'S A DREAM FOR EVERY—whoa, whoa. Sorry. Got a little carried away there! Let's see what else this source has to say! "Ryan grew up without a dad, so he always said when he had kids, he'd be there no matter what," Anonymous Source continues, somehow making us love Ryan even more than before, a feat we'd previously thought physically, emotionally, and spiritually impossible. Ugh. Our most grudging of congratulations to the happy couple. (But especially to you, Ryan.) MEANWHILE... Put no stock in rumors that Beyoncé and Jay-Z are currently plotting to make the Gosling/Mendes baby "disappear" so that their own spawn—the tragically named Blue Ivy—can continue to reign as Earth's Most Beautiful Baby Made by Earth's Most Beautiful People. Even if Bey 'n' Jay were hatching such a scheme, our sources tell us that the plan's implementation will be a long way off—like, nine months, easy.
SATURDAY, JULY 12
Are there already problems for newlyweds Kim Kardashian and Kanye West? (Well, besides the problem of them, you know, existing.) radaronline.com has gotten word that Kimye have only spent nine days together since getting married 48 days ago! "Kanye now recognizes that Kim's main interests are shopping and lounging around a pool," a big-mouthed insider gabs. "It's really concerning to Kanye that Kim doesn't even want to try to experience new things." OF COURSE SHE DOESN'T, BIG-MOUTHED INSIDER! EVERYONE KNOWS KIM IS A REPETITIVE IDIOT WHO—whoa. There we go again! Apologies, Big-Mouthed Source, and we'll just wrap up this blurb gracefully by noting that, hopefully, these two divorce immediately and then tumble into obscurity and we never have to write about them again. Sigh. A girl can dream.
SUNDAY, JULY 13
Old-timey British tabloid the Daily Mail has gotten itself into trouble again—and this time they've got George Clooney coming after them! Our formerly beloved George, who destroyed our will to live when he shattered our deepest desires and grandest hopes by becoming engaged to attorney Amal Alamuddin, is furious about a Mail piece that alleges Alamuddin's mother didn't want her daughter to marry Clooney. While the Mail claimed religious reasons were to blame for Mama Alamuddin's disapproval, Clooney went on the attack, alleging the Mail's story was false. (Because... c'mon. He's George Clooney! What mother wouldn't want her daughter to marry the universe's most eligible bachelor, religion be damned?) "The Mail knew the story in question was false and printed it anyway," Clooney wrote in a USA Today op-ed, calling out the Mail's gossip-mongering while refusing to accept Managing Editor Charles Garside's apology. Calling the story "a premeditated lie," Clooney went on, "I thank the Mail for its apology. Not that I would every accept it, but because in doing so they've exposed themselves at the worst kind of tabloid. One that makes up its facts to the detriment of its readers and to all the publications that blindly reprint them." And with that, we're suddenly both delighted and relieved that we aren't entirely sure if George has ever read One Day at a Time, or even seen the Portland Mercury. A letter like that? About us? Our heart can take a lot, dears. But it couldn't take that