MONDAY, JULY 14
Let's take a moment to pause and look at our paycheck stubs—just for fun, right? Oh dear. What's yours say? OH DEAR! Now, for continued grins, let's look at Kim Kardashian's paycheck from her new videogame app, Kim Kardashian: Hollywood, and... OH MY GOD. According to TMZ, the talentless monster is due to receive $85 million (!!!) from the game, which is more than all of her current business ventures combined. Forbes magazine backs up the claim, adding that Kim only made a paltry $28 million in 2013, and now, with this sudden influx of cash, Kim will go from merely super rich to obscenely wealthy. (She's already the "obscene" part.) But prepare to hit yourself in the face with a hammer, dears, because here comes the worst part: Just like in the rest of her useless career, she's done absolutely nothing to develop this game other than promote it on Facebook and Twatter. Wait... did we just say the previous statement was "the worst part?" We were wrong. Here's the worst part: The game itself revolves around attaining celebrity status without possessing an ounce of talent (sound familiar?). Your avatar wobbles around Hollyweird in impossibly high heels, gaining money and fans by dating famous people, buying expensive clothes, going to clubs, and getting spotted by the paparazzi. (What, no sex tape?) You're then encouraged to purchase in-game tokens (to buy more fame) with your REAL money, which will wind up in Kim Kardashian's actual new bank vault (because she ran out of space in her old one), and... GAHHHHHH!! Where's a volcano like the one that leveled Pompeii when you need one?!?
TUESDAY, JULY 15
For those worried about comedian Tracy Morgan—whose limousine was rear-ended by the driver of a speeding Walmart 18-wheeler who'd fallen asleep behind the wheel—he's now out of the hospital, on the road to recovery, and most importantly? Ready to sue the shit out of Walmart. One person was killed and several hospitalized in the accident that was allegedly caused by Walmart driver Kevin Roper, who, according to the lawsuit, had been awake 24 consecutive hours prior to the wreck, and had driven 700 miles from his home to a Walmart facility before his shift even started. The suit says that Walmart either "knew or should have known" that Roper had driven so far without sleep, and Morgan is seeking compensatory, statutory, and punitive damages. Walmart issued a lengthy response, but instead of boring you, we'll happily summarize it in one word. "Gulp."
WEDNESDAY, JULY 16
Marvel Comics—makers of overpriced funny books for overgrown children, as well as every movie in the recent past and foreseeable future—announced they will be turning their character Thor into a chick and Captain America into a black dude. Cue nerd outrage. "Marvel, you have just alienated me," commented one sad/hilarious nerd. "I will be canceling my subscriptions and go back to reading only books.... Goodbye Marvel." Another confusingly wrote, "Can you imagine making Jesus a woman? I can't imagine that going down well." Yet another screeched, "All these feminists need to chill out. THOR IS A MAN! Leave him as is!!!" Happily, these were not the only reactions. "Don't worry about Captain America, white dudes! We've still got like, every other superhero. Like. Almost literally all of them. We're fine," said the one levelheaded person on the internet. (He must be so lonely!)
THURSDAY, JULY 17
UGGGH. Funny how the apocalypse just creeps up on ya: Today a Malaysian airliner carrying 298 people including children, infants, and AIDS activists was shot down over the Ukraine—probably by pro-Russian separatists with missile launchers possibly provided by the Russian government. President Obama rightly called it "an outrage of unspeakable proportions." MEANWHILE... More terror in the Middle East as Israel launched a ground invasion into Palestine today. The country's much-ballyhooed "Iron Dome" has easily repelled most of the missiles fired from Palestine's not-very-nice Hamas movement (whose very charter calls for the destruction of their neighboring country), yet Israel has been striking back with a level of retaliation that's been nothing short of vicious. Their tanks have shelled hospitals, their gunboats have murdered children playing football on the beach, they've caused thousands of civilians to flee their homes, and at press time the Palestinian death toll has risen to 500 souls lost. Meanwhile here's how many Israeli soldiers have been killed: 25. We think you've made your point, Israel. And we're not forgetting about you, crazy Hamas—your actions are putting your own civilians in the crosshairs. So maybe now's a good time for both of you to cool it?
FRIDAY, JULY 18
Gossip, dears, teaches us one very simple fact: Celebrities are the stupidest. And for entirely too long, they've been allowed to intermingle and even—shudder—breed, leading us to... well, now, dears: A world in which people play Kim Kardashian videogames and Optimus Prime is the world's biggest movie star. So it's easy to forget that very, very rarely, a celebrity is born who isn't a drooling cretin. And this generation's chosen one? Apparently it's Saturday Night Live's hilarious Bill Hader, who gave an interview to the New York Times Sunday Book Review about his—gasp!—reading habits! "People assume all the Faulkner and Russian literature on my shelf are leftovers from college, but I didn't really go to college, which is probably why I enjoy reading the classics (with the assistance of an online study guide)," Hader says. "Over Christmas I read Crime and Punishment. Last summer I read Light in August. I like taking my time with those books. Next one I want to tackle is Dead Souls, by Gogol." In addition to noting he's currently reading Richard Ford—and that he has a fondness for Jon Ronson, Flannery O'Connor, Evelyn Waugh, Kurt Vonnegut, Mark Twain, Roald Dahl, P.G. Wodehouse, and Charles Portis—Hader remembered the last book that made him cry ("The title story from George Saunders' last collection, Tenth of December. Had to pretend something was in my eye") and the last one that made him furious ("The Makioka Sisters, by Junichiro Tanizaki, because I can't read Japanese"). Good god, dears. A celebrity who can read? And does? Maybe, just maybe, there's a glimmer of hope left for humanity.
SATURDAY, JULY 19
Nope! No glimmer! Like a terrible uncle who won't stop giving us awful presents, Edward Snowden has bestowed another horrible revelation upon us—reporting that, in "numerous instances," he witnessed National Security Agency employees passing around nude photographs they'd intercepted from Americans' private correspondence. "These are seen as the fringe benefits of surveillance positions," Snowden explained, noting that after finding the pictures, NSA employees would "turn around in their chair and show their coworker. The coworker says: 'Hey, that's great. Send that to Bill down the way. And then Bill sends it to George and George sends it to Tom. And sooner or later this person's whole life has been seen by all of these other people." Snowden continued, "The fact that your private images, records of your private lives, [and] records of your intimate moments have been taken from your private communications stream from the intended recipient and given to the government without any specific authorization, without any specific need, is itself a violation of your rights." Dammit, Edward! We already disliked the NSA because of all their other morally reprehensible practices... and that was before we knew they'd seen our vagina! MEANWHILE... Speaking of pictures, Rose McGowan Instagrammed a pic of herself in which she looked exactly like Michael Jackson—and then got furious when people pointed out she looked exactly like Michael Jackson. "Fuck off losers," she wrote to her commenters, adding, "You dumb fucks. Eat it." Eat it? Ha! Hey, everybody! That Michael Jackson lady made a Michael Jackson joke!
SUNDAY, JULY 20
After successfully conning the Supreme Court into giving them the right to deny women reproductive health care, the evangelical creeps at Hobby Lobby have set a new goal: spending $800 million to build a "sprawling museum dedicated to the Bible—just two blocks south of the National Mall," reports the New York Times. Ehh, why not! Given all the horrible things that happened lately, we might as well have something else in DC that'll be a great sight gag when Earth becomes a dystopic ruin. Until then, darlings? Mmmwah!