MONDAY, APRIL 20 Query! Is homophobic Miss USA contestant Carrie Prejean looking for an "opposite marriage" with Olympic swimmer/pothead Michael Phelps? As you undoubtedly recall from this past weekend's Miss USA pageant, Miss California Carrie Prejean was asked by gay blogger Perez Hilton for her views on same-sex marriage. She responded by saying, "We live in a land where you can choose same-sex marriage or opposite. I believe that a marriage should be between a man and a woman. No offense to anybody out there!" Ohhhhh, no offense taken, Barbie! Why would ANYONE (especially minorities) be offended by your attempts to curtail their attempts at equality? Too bad about not winning Miss USA... but there's always the Miss Hitler Youth pageant! MEANWHILE... That's right: Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps is allegedly slipping his dolphin to Miss California! How do we know? heard it from Prejean's grandmother! Phelps—who recently and stupidly apologized for getting caught huffing a bong—is now caught in another potential controversy, and denying everything to high heaven. "I'm single," he told Us magazine. "My private life stays private." (HA! Good one!) When asked about Prejean's homo-hating statements at the Miss USA pageant, Phelps opined, "That's the cool thing about America—everybody has their opinion. I'm not saying I support her, I'm not saying I don't support her." Tell you what, Phelps. Just go back underwater, where hopefully you know how to keep your mouth shut.

TUESDAY, APRIL 21 Lindsay Lohan can cry all she wants about getting dumped by mannish gal-pal Samantha Ronson—the real victims here are the gossip columnists! If we're unable to write about LiLo and SamRo destroying hotel rooms and pitching screaming hissy fits in front of sandwich-eating hobos—then what can we write about? Well, how about a fairly unreliable rumor that Lindsay is now back to dating guys, and has been seen in the company of a possibly 41-year-old possible British club manager or possible paparazzo, possibly named Chris Jepson? According to the New York Post, Lindsay was seen joined at the hip with (British photog) Jepson at a Hollywood Hills house party. Meanwhile Life & Style also had a snoop at the shindig, claiming that Jepson was actually a manager of the posh London Bungalow 8, and the two disappeared into the bathroom for 45 minutes. Sez the spy, "People were knocking at the door, but Lindsay wouldn't come out." What were they doing in there? Maybe Jepson was snapping her picture for News of the World. Then again he could've been giving her advice on how to not get thrown out of clubs. Or... or... sigh. Please get back with Samantha, Lindsay... please.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 22 Speaking of on-again, off-again, and still off-again relationships, singer John Mayer is bravely moving on with his life after the crushing heartbreak of being forced to smash horsey-faced Jennifer Aniston's heart in a billion pieces. Good for you, Johnny boy! And the girl he's chosen seems like a real step up: According to Star magazine, he's now horsing around with 23-year-old ex-Hooters waitress Scheana Marie Jancan. (Ugh. "Scheana" sounds like a toe fungus.) Besides slinging hot wings at Hooters, Scheana has received many other honors, including being a one-time runner-up in a Hawaiian Tropic bikini pageant! However, rumor has it that Mayer still holds a secret yearning in his heart for Jen, which might be why he's making Scheana wear horseshoes and eat all her meals from a feedbag. The heart hides no secrets, John! Remember that.

THURSDAY, APRIL 23 Today, Lindsay Lohan continued her "Look, guys! I'm perfectly okay and normal after getting dumped by Samantha," tour by appearing on Ellen. No stranger to getting gay-dumped (cough—Anne Heche—cough, cough), Ellen lent a sympathetic ear as LiLo described getting the heave-ho from SamRo. "I had no idea what was going on," Lindsay said of the sudden split. "I just hadn't seen her in like, a week. She like, disappeared." No clue, huh? Including the time you two were face slapping each other on a dance floor? Not ringing a bell? Regardless, Lindsay informed Ellen she's planning on being alone for a while. "I really care about Samantha and we'll see what happens. Maybe when we're fully in the right place... I love her." UPDATE! UPDATE! UPDATE! Turns out "the right place" was Samantha's house, because as this previously taped interview was being shown on television, Lindsay was spotted going into Sam's place for a SIX-HOUR visit. Samantha summed it up best when she changed her Facebook status to "It's complicated." Ahhhh... and thank god it is.

FRIDAY, APRIL 24 UPDATE AGAIN! The Rohan mystery deepens! Looks like yesterday's six-hour-long hump-sesh between Lindsay and Sam wasn't just a chance meeting for the non-couple. In the wee hours of this morning, reports that Lindsay took paparazzi on a "high-speed chase" before heading home at about 2 am—at which point Sam came over! "Shutterbugs caught Ronson, 31, leaving Lohan's pad at 6 am Friday after spending the entire night," the Daily News gushed. Ah, high-speed chases and a not-so-secret rendezvous—even when these two are broken up, they have a more exciting relationship than certain people we could name. In totally unrelated news, Hubby Kip has been shooting zombies in Resident Evil 5 for almost 27 straight hours, only leaving the couch for Hot Pockets and "pee breaks."

SATURDAY, APRIL 25 Today Bea Arthur, the 86-year-old star of The Golden Girls and Maude, died from cancer. A 5'9" comic genius with a voice that gave James Earl Jones the shivers, Arthur tackled then-taboo topics like abortion on Maude before moving on to play Dorothy on The Golden Girls, where she proved that old ladies could be strong, independent smartasses. Seeing as how every other unimaginative writer included the line, "Thank you for being a friend" in their obit, we won't go there—but we will say that TV will be a lot lousier without Bea. MEANWHILE... And Tony Danza agrees—TV is "terrible!" When prepping for an interview with a local news show, Danza started mumbling to himself—unaware that not only could his interviewer hear him, but that the tape was rolling! "Ya know what I hate about bein' on these things?" Danza muttered. "Ya end up on those news shows so often, ya know? And those news shows are terrible... I'm gonna be part of the local news! How exciting! Ya know, right after 'murder and mayhem, and the rescue in California, Tony Danza!' I'm so excited." After the insulted interviewer let Danza know she could hear him, he refused to apologize. "Oh, ya heard me, huh?" Danza snickered. "Well, don't ya feel a little bit like that's what you do? It's not just me that thinks that, by the way." Thanks Tony, for once again proving you can be right and be a jerk.

SUNDAY, APRIL 26 RE: the apocalypse: The World Health Organization (WHO) raised its global pandemic flu alert as the number of swine flu-related deaths in Mexico approached 150, with over 40 cases in America. The virus has struck more than 1,600 people in Mexico, with WHO Deputy Director General Dr. Keiji Fukuda telling a terrified populace, "Because the virus is already quite widespread in different locations, containment is not a feasible option." Look, we aren't stupid, Dr. Keiji Fukuda. Just tell us what we all know is coming: ZOMBIE OUTBREAK. Lucky for us, our charming husband has been doing nothing for the past day or two but practicing shooting zombies in the face—which means we're making a run for canned foods and ammo, and then we're sealing ourselves inside our house with some boxes of Franzia and the complete DVD set of Sex and the City. The rest of you? You're on your own.