MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 29
As you may have heard, crime does not pay—and it's especially non-lucrative when you wind up in the pages of One Day at a Time! Let's go to the gossip blotter: Former child actor Amanda Bynes—best known for her random Twatter outbursts in which she called various celebs (including Drake and President Obama) "ugly," and throwing her bong out the window when confronted by police—seemed to be on the road to sobriety until yesterday morning when she was pulled over by cops in Sherman Oaks, California, for allegedly driving under the influence of "a controlled substance." And what substance was that? No one's talking—but if we know Amanda it could be anything from marijuana to a jug of Elmer's glue stolen from an elementary school. So welcome back to One Day, Amanda! (Everybody else: Wear a hard hat when you're walking underneath her window.) MEANWHILE... More celebrity car crimes! Former Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps was busted in Baltimore for drunken driving, speeding (doing 84 MPH in a 45 MPH zone), and crossing the center double yellow lines. (Sounds like Amanda Bynes may have been his designated driver.) According to TMZ, he had spent eight hours prior to his arrest drinking and gambling at Baltimore's Horseshoe Casino, and looking exactly like Christian Bale. (Neither of those are a crime... yet.) AND... Somebody should arrest Walmart for being complete and utter dicks. After one of their 18-wheelers smashed into Tracy Morgan's car (severely injuring him and killing his friend Jimmy Mack), the corporate chain is now laying the full blame for the comedian's injuries on the supposition that he wasn't wearing a seat belt. Meanwhile, Walmart refuses to even acknowledge that the driver of the truck, Kevin Roper, is their employee. Next they'll be saying they've never seen that truck in their lives, and Tracy wasn't very funny at all on SNL or 30 Rock. WE HATE THEM SO MUCH.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 30
Here's a name you haven't heard in a while: Robert Pattinson, whom you remember as the pasty-faced dreamboat vamp in Twilight, and the poor sucker cuckolded by lip-biting cheater/co-star Kristen Stewart. Happily, the two are not getting back together. Unhappily, Robert's batshit crazy Twilight fanbase is going batshit crazy over his new girlfriend, the unfortunately named British singer FKA twigs. Naturally, these fans would've lost their minds over anyone RPatz was dating, but they seem especially upset because she's black. Like we said, "batshit." Here are just a few of their terrible twatters: "Just seeing your face makes me vomit @FKAtwigs." "Is it really impossible to believe that Rob out with this monkey @FKAtwigs." And "@FKAtwigs I do not wish you badly but I hope a train happens to you for this face of monkey that you have." What??? "Face of monkey that you have?" Are monkeys writing these awful, racist tweets? If so, get over it, monkeys! Watch The Hunger Games or something!

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 1
Meanwhile in blah-blah-blah Paris, blah-blah-blah Justin Bieber was seen punching a photographer blah-blah-blah after having a possibly romantic dinner blah-blah-blah with the absolutely abysmal Kendall Jenner blah-blah-blah, sister of the even more abysmal Kim blah-blah-blah Kardashian. (Note to our readers: We're not getting tired of our job, but reporting on the various idiocies of Justin Bieber is beginning to feel like writing extended Mad Libs.)

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 2
It was reported today blah-blah-blah that Charlie Sheen blah-blah-blah attacked a dental technician, and... wait, WHAT? According to TMZ, the tiger-blooded Sheen was at his dentist last Thursday to treat an abscessed tooth, while the dental technician claims that after she administered nitrous oxide to the actor he went INSANE, flailing around and knocking the instruments all over the floor. (Note: We have a similar reaction whenever Hubby Kip leaves a beer-can ring on the coffee table.) The technician also told cops that Sheen came after the dentist with a knife, and suspected he was on cocaine at the time... but Charlie's reps fiercely deny these allegations, saying that, YES, the actor had an adverse reaction to the nitrous, and YES he may have flailed and knocked over a tray of instruments—but there was no cocaine involved and absolutely no knife. Conclusion: Regardless of what actually happened, we're going to act just like Charlie the next time our dentist scolds us for forgetting to floss.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 3
You've got to be effing kidding. After last week's Venice wedding blowout—an event so idyllic and romantic and disgustingly saccharine that it gave anyone who even read about it diabetes—you'd think our formerly beloved George Clooney and his garbage bride Amal Alamuddin would have the tact to disappear for a while. But no! Now the nauseatingly happy couple is honeymooning in the Seychelles! "The luxury North Island resort has hosted Clooney's pals Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, Prince William and Kate Middleton, Bill Gates, and other superstars," X17 reports. "The resort is made up of 11 villas, each one more than 5,000 square feet. Each villa has its own plunge pool and the resort itself is accessible only by helicopter." Ugh. Of course that's where George would take stupid Amal. It's where he should have taken us. UGH. WHEN WILL THIS END??? MEANWHILE... Wait! Wait! X17 was wrong! We knew it! Turns out George—probably having realized his horrible mistake—decided to stay home instead of going on a honeymoon! Ha! Take that, Amal, you scheming harpy! Instead of some stupid island resort, the Daily Mail reports that they're in England, and that... oh. Oh, no. This is even worse. George bought her a "multimillion pound" mansion that the Mail describes as "palatial" and "fabulous." On the banks of the Thames. "The newlyweds are enjoying their honeymoon in the stunning Oxfordshire mansion," the Mail reports. "It was Amal who first set eyes on the place," a source gabs. "It's her dream location. She was torn between Oxfordshire and Kent but ultimately chose Oxfordshire because she felt most at home there. She first fell in love with it during her days there at university." Oh, we bet she did. We wonder how she'll feel when all of Oxfordshire is in FLAMES, when all that's left are CINDERS and BROKEN DREAMS, when at sunset she looks across the blood-red Thames and hears a cackling laugh—a laugh that reminds her whom George REALLY belongs to, a laugh that FILLS HER UGLY HEART WITH TERROR—

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 4
Moving on! Jennifer Love Hewitt continues to exist, and continues to... buy beds for Matt Damon, we guess? And no, Matt Damon doesn't know Jennifer Love Hewitt, and no, he doesn't want her beds. "I was reading an article and he said this really sad thing about how all his dreams were coming true but he didn't feel that he had a bed of his own, he was always traveling," Hewitt creepily said about Damon on Jimmy Kimmel Live! "I remember being really busy also and thinking, 'That's so sad, to have all your dreams come true but not have a solid foundation.' So for some reason I thought an AeroBed would help him... I thought, 'He can travel with it, then it's always his safe place.'" Bewilderingly, Hewitt then sent him the bed—and no, she never got a thank-you note. Good call, Matt! Now run. Run as fast as you can.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 5
Say what you will about Amanda Bynes, but she doesn't do anything half-assed—including returning to the pages of One Day at a Time! Not content with a mere traffic violation, Bynes has apparently escaped her Californian parents' conservatorship and has now made her way to New York City... where residents have sighted her talking to trees, wearing a large bandage on her face, and swerving through busy Manhattan traffic as she haphazardly teetered on top of one of NYC's bike-sharing bikes, dangerously weaving around cars and pedestrians. Amanda Bynes is back, everybody! (And Portland bike advocates? Sounds like you just found yourselves a new spokesperson.)