KIM KARDASHIAN "How to break the internet... with one photo and a tub of Crisco."


This week America's least beloved harpy, Kim Kardashian, made a valiant attempt at "breaking the internet" by posing on the cover of Paper magazine, and exposing her Crisco-covered naked bottom for the world to see. First of all, she did not "break the internet" as the headline on the magazine stated—however, Kim did successfully break the idiotic term "break the internet," which has now been happily banned in 47 countries around the globe. (Seriously, stop saying it. It's dumb.) Second, while there's no crime in a woman showing off her bum in print, can magazines please refrain from Photoshopping her waistline down to the size of the average squirrel? Third, what's with all the baby oil? She looks like she was just pulled out of the fryer at Hot Dog on a Stick. Seriously, we haven't seen anything that big and shiny since Hubby Kip fell asleep with his forehead in a plate of bacon. (Ugh. Both images broke our appetite for a week.) MEANWHILE... Oft-shirtless douche Justin Bieber is paying for one of his most heinous crimes—egging a complaining neighbor's house back in January! As you may recall, 11 squad cars and a "battering ram unit" (!) were called in following the senseless egg attack, and damages were assessed at a whopping $20,000 (because... rich people). Today TMZ reported that Justin is paying for his sins in the following ways: reimbursing the disgruntled neighbor four times what he owed ($80,000), performing six days of community service, and attending 12 anger management classes. Oh, and to further prove he's a changed man, Justin was seen at a Bible studies class over the weekend. Whaaaat? Okay, now we trust him, like, 100 percent less! Call the battering ram unit... IT'S A TRAP!!


Ever wonder what Justin Bieber will be like when he's a grown-ass adult? Look no further than professional aging angry white dude Eminem. The internet has been in a flutter this week over Em's recently released freestyle video "Shady CXVPHER" which included the following rhyme: "Bitch I'll punch Lana Del Rey right in the face twice, like Ray Rice in broad daylight in the plain sight of the elevator surveillance/'Til her head is banging on the railing, then celebrate with the Ravens." (On three everybody... one... two... three... EYE ROLL.) While it may be culturally popular to hate on Lana Del Rey—rest assured she makes us want to ruin our manicure by clawing our ears off—this sort of juvenile "angry young man" shtick is getting old... almost as old as Eminem himself, who is currently 42 and should've had his shit worked out looooong before this. (BTW, have you seen Shady lately? He looks like Christopher Walken got pushed into a wind tunnel.)


If you read the Mercury's feature article last week by Dan Savage, then you're already familiar with sex-shaming Christian robot family the Duggars. For those just joining us, they're the stars of the abysmally depressing and angering 19 Kids and Counting, and have... umm... fairly baffling rules about sex and marriage—such as you don't "do it" (sex), until you "do it" (marriage). In fact, Jessa Duggar reportedly wouldn't even kiss hubby Ben Seewald until they were wed. (Umm-hmmm. Jesus knows better, sweetie.) This week on their Facebook page, Jessa and Ben posted an extremely awkward post-marriage kiss photo—which reminded us of a wooden board propped up against a dead fish—that was followed by other married members of their family smooching, and then her parents as well. ("GROSS" is a sickening understatement.) Anyway, the Duggars invited other married couples to share their kiss pics on the family's page, and while many were allowed—others were unceremoniously scrubbed from the site. Can you guess why? Yup, they were either interracial couples or gay. (Wonder how they would feel about married people kissing married people they're not married to? We have a great photo of ourselves tongue-wrestling George Clooney—which is more Photoshopped than Kim Kardashian's oily bottom.)


Speaking of Kim Kardashian, here's something insanely brilliant she said this past weekend in an interview with the Daily Mail: "Tanning is everything," Kim astutely noted. "I tan all the time, and I do the beds because I have psoriasis, so it really helps with that, and I just think when you tan, it makes you look so much skinnier." That quote broke the internet, every tanning bed in the world, and our brain. Nice work, Kim!


Ugh. Let's get this one over with, dears: Once beloved by everyone who had ever seen even a second of The Cosby Show, the now-77-year-old Bill Cosby continues to creep everybody out by refusing to respond to repeated allegations of rape—most recently this weekend in an interview on NPR, when Cosby replied with stony silence to questions about the allegations. (An awful reminder: In 2005, Cosby settled with Andrea Constand, who, along with 13 other women, alleged that Cosby raped her; more recently, Barbara Bowman wrote a piece for the Washington Post in which she claimed that as a teenager, she suffered repeated assaults from Cosby.) Cosby's lawyer, John P. Schmitt, wasn't quite as tight-lipped as his client, insisting that "the fact [the allegations] are being repeated does not make them true" and that "Mr. Cosby does not intend to dignify these allegations with any comment." That's Cosby's call, of course—but the fact that so many women are coming forward with similar accounts, while Cosby refuses to address their statements? It doesn't look good. Again: Ugh.


In less depressing news, our new BFF Angelina Jolie (who we previously resented for having stolen Brad Pitt from our loving grasp) is feuding with Amal Alamuddin (who we currently resent for having stolen George Clooney from our loving grasp). Yes! Where can we get some "Team Angie" t-shirts printed up? "Angie feels competitive with Amal," a source tells Star, which notes that while the two both do "humanitarian work," the first time Angelina met Amal, "Angie made it clear that Amal was persona non grata." ("Persona non grata" is Latin for "Garbage person who stole George from Ann Romano, the beloved author of beloved gossip column One Day at a Time.") Star adds that despite an invitation to George and Amal's Italian wedding, Angelina refused to go—and kept George's pal Brad at home, too! "Angie has forbidden Brad to speak to George," the source gabs. "She's walled him off from so many of his old friends that Brad is getting fed up." Well... that's unfortunate, and we do feel bad for buddies-from-afar Brad and George. Buuuut... the enemy of our enemy is our friend, which means that if Angie's dissing Amal, she's A-okay with us! (Angie! Let us know when you want to get a drink! XO!) MEANWHILE... According to the once-proud magazine the Atlantic, Pepsi "recently conducted taste tests of a Doritos-flavored Mountain Dew." While this is disgusting evidence of the nauseating state of America's eating habits, there is a silver lining: Maybe this hideous concoction will stop Hubby Kip from sprinkling crumbled-up Doritos into his Mountain Dew Big Gulp, which he does several times a week, usually before watching The Avengers for the 4,000th time. If this poison removes even a pound of Doritos dust from our sofa cushions, we'll consider it the best invention since vaccines.


Ready for a road trip deep into Feudsville? Let's go! We'll start somewhere everyone's familiar with: Taylor Swift versus Katy Perry! These two have been cat fighting for years, but (thankfully) no one else has gotten dragged into the scuffle... until now. (Spoiler: Someone else is about to get dragged into the scuffle!) Katy Perry's musician boyfriend, Diplo, has gone after Swift (probably because Swift's popularity is skyrocketing while Perry's is nose-diving). "Someone should make a kickstarter to get taylor swift a booty," Diplo tweeted last week. Poor form, Diplo—and everyone's favorite 18-year-old New Zealand pop prodigy, Lorde, called him out on it! "Should we do something about your tiny penis while we're at it hm," Lorde tweeted back at Diplo—gaining 11,000 retweets and, somehow, even more worldwide admiration than she had before. HEY, THAT GIVES US AN IDEA... If we can somehow get Lorde, Taylor Swift, and Angelina Jolie all in the same room? We might have the makings of an Avengers movie even we can enjoy. (We're still not drinking any of that Doritos poison when we watch it, though.) (Or inviting Amal over to watch it.) (Unless she brings George.)