MONDAY, FEBRUARY 9
Prick up those ears, darlings—it's time for more gushes of post-Grammy gossip! As dutifully reported last week, the never-not-annoying Kanye West hopped onstage in mock protest of Beck winning "Best Album" over Beyoncé (before hopping back down again). He then ranted backstage, "Beck needs to respect artistry, and he should have given his award to Beyoncé." Whoopsy! Well, almost immediately Beck's Wikipedia page was updated to proclaim him "the stealer of The Album of the Year award" taken from "Beyoncé Knowles, the Queen of the World." (Unfortunately this wicked little piece of grammatically challenged truth was yanked off the site, because Wikipedia is nothing if not tedious.) Since then, Kanye has been furiously backpedaling from his comments, calling Beck "one of the nicest guys and one of the most respected musicians in the game." However, this was not enough to quell the fury of forgotten rocker Shirley Manson (of Garbage) who emerged from... well, wherever it is she's been hiding since 1996... to issue the following screed on Facebook: "Dear Kanye West," Manson wrote. "It is YOU who is so busy disrespecting artistry. In attempting to reduce the importance of one great talent over another, you make a mockery of all musicians and music from every genre, including your own." Then, to put an even finer point on it, Manson concluded with, "You are making yourself look like a complete twat." Okay, that last part was funny. However, we can't help but imagine Kanye reading her post and wondering, "Why is Marilyn Manson's sister so mad at me?"
TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 10
Oh! One more wee smidge of Grammy gossip: Guys, Taylor Swift has totally forgiven Kanye West for ruining her 2009 VMA moment in the sun—and to prove it, she's setting out to torture him and everyone he associates with by becoming THEIR FRIEND. Tay-Tay spent much of the Grammys in the audience hobnobbing and rubbing delicately scented elbows with Kanye and pal Jay-Z—making a particular point that Jay needed to have brunch with her. Like, it was not an invitation. Gawker transcribed the conversation between the two thusly. TAYLOR: "I really want to go to brunch. [pause] I really want to go brunch!" JAY-Z: [Nods head politely and smiles.] TAYLOR: "Brunch!" [Looks at him intently.] "Brunch!" JAY-Z: [Nods and smiles again.] TAYLOR: "BRUNCH!!" [Nods defiantly, and spins away to pose for pics with Kanye.] JAY-Z: [Slowly sinks to his seat, sadly puzzling over how he just got talked into having brunch with Taylor Swift, and if this is Fate punishing him for rapping about "truffle season."]
WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 11
It seems wee little Justin Bieber is making headway in his court-mandated anger management classes—he's attended nine out of 12 appearances so far, and he hasn't thrown a single egg at anyone! However, he's lacking when it comes to the "community service" part of his punishment. (He hasn't picked up a single piece of road garbage. Shockingly.) But just like Lindsay Lohan and all the other spoiled brats of Hollyweird before him, HE HAS A GREAT EXCUSE: His foot hurts. Lawyer Shawn Holley (who also represents LiLo. Shockingly.) appeared in court today to explain Biebs' lack of garbage pickup with a note from a doctor, saying that Justin hurt his iddy-bitty footsy-wootsy playing soccer in the Turks and Caicos Islands. (For the uninformed, the Turks and Caicos Islands are located in the Lucayan Archipelago, which you've also never heard of, but don't sweat it... historically, it's a place famous for backing up the stories of any celebrity who needs to lie about hurting their foot in order to get out of performing community service. They also make baskets.)
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 12
In the most recent edition of Love magazine, Kim Kardashian admitted to... well, here's the quote: "I always pee all over my Spanx. It's a disaster. They aren't crotchless enough!" Weirdly, that's not the most interesting part of this interview. More interesting is the fact that Kim Kardashian has absolutely no idea what she does for a living. "Like when [people] ask, 'What do you do?'" Kim fumed. "I mean, what an uneducated question!" And yet? It's a question she never answers. When the topic is brought up again, she replied, "Under my breath I want to [tell these people], 'Ask my fucking bank account what I do.'" Okay. So we immediately contacted Kim's fucking bank account, which responded thusly: "Truthfully? I have no idea where all her money is coming from. Unless one can make a career out of peeing all over your Spanx."
FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 13
After months of rumblings, it happened today: Oregon Governor John Kitzhaber resigned. It all started last October, when the Lake Oswego newsletter Willamette Week accused Kitzhaber's fiancé, Cylvia Hayes, of using her access to Kitzhaber to further her own career. "But in the wake of the clamor over Hayes' conduct, scrutiny has come crashing over Kitzhaber himself—with questions over whether he knew about Hayes' alleged lapses or even helped them along," the Mercury's Denis C. Theriault noted. Earlier this month, the Oregonian called for Kitz to step down, and this week, nearly all of his political allies left him hanging. Today—after it was discovered that the governor's office tried (and failed) to get thousands of personal and possibly incriminating emails deleted, and after what Oregon Secretary of State Kate Brown called a "bizarre and unprecedented situation" where Kitz flew her back from a conference in Washington, DC, to discuss his resignation, only to ask, upon her arrival, why she'd come back—Kitzhaber finally resigned. As of February 18, Brown will be Oregon's new governor, and while national media like Vox were quick to point out that Brown will be "the only current openly LGBT governor of a US state," it's also worth noting that she—unlike a certain other governor—is respected and well liked. "She's strong, but she also comes across as being able to listen," Multnomah County Chairwoman Deborah Kafoury told the Oregonian. "She works like a dog and is fun to have around—a good combination," Portland City Commissioner Steve Novick added. So cheer up, Oregon! Things will get better! MEANWHILE... "Fuckin' A! Sure am glad I don't live in Oregon!" cackled infamously corrupt New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, who apparently will never be impeached or resign, and indeed, will probably be the GOP's 2016 presidential candidate. "You're telling me!" seemingly bulletproof Toronto City Councilor Rob Ford shouted, between snorting up four long lines of pristine cocaine. "They don't have any sense of humor down there!"
SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 14
Happy Valentine's Day, dears—and please know that each and every one of you wonderful, loyal, attractive readers are our personal valentines! (Especially since this year, Hubby Kip's idea of a romantic date was Papa Murphy's, a used DVD of 2 Fast 2 Furious, and a tub of K-Y Jelly.) To celebrate this romantic holiday, weirdo heartthrob Benedict Cumberbatch wed his lovely bride, Sophie Hunter, in a small ceremony that a source tells People was "magical." Taking place at St. Peter and St. Paul's Church, which was built on the Isle of Wight in the 12th century, Cumberbatch and Hunter's marriage is a beautiful reminder that love really is the most important thing, and can, indeed, conquer all. (Unless you're married to a jackass who tried to feel you up while watching 2 Fast 2 Furious.)
SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 15
Earlier this month, the Oklahoma Daily—the student newspaper of the University of Oklahoma in Norman—published a story headlined "Jack White Concert Costs OU Over $80,000," examining how much the state school inexplicably spent for a concert featuring the former frontman of the White Stripes. The Oklahoma Daily also posted White's "rider"—the document that outlines what is and isn't expected from venues hosting White. In addition to demands like "NO fluorescent lighting," "we don't want to see bananas anywhere in the building," and "White ends the night with a New York strip steak, cooked medium, with steamed vegetables on the side and no sauce," something else was included: a very precise recipe for guacamole that had to be served at 5 pm. "Careful not to mush the avocados too much," the document insists. "We want it chunky." There were also instructions to slice each avocado "three or four slits down, three or four across," "SAVE THE PITS THOUGH," and "Please don't make it too early before it's served." Naturally, everyone laughed long and hard at White's expense... which White did not find amusing. In a 900-word blog post titled "For God Sakes!" White lashed back, "since this seems to be all anyone can ask me about lately." "first off, this is none of your business, but i have no specific demands in my dressing room," White insisted, before adding the guacamole was his "hilarious tour manager's inside joke," that people should be more considerate about bananas ("bananas: did it occur to anyone someone on the tour might have an allergy to them? no? hmmm") and that he loves Oklahoma, despite being "disappointed in young journalists at their school paper." "someone printed that I'm never going to oklahoma again? not true. i love oklahoma, that's why i booked this show instead of playing chicago or atlanta for four times as much money," White pouted. "ask around in tulsa. i've been there at least three times on these last two albums. i love it there." Eesh! Settle down, Jack! No need to make this into... Guacamole-gate? Bananaghazi? Either way, we're off to ask around in Tulsa.