MONDAY, JULY 6 The Michael Jackson feeding frenzy continues... sooo, might as well take a nibble. If last week was all about clumsy condolences for the King of Pop, this week the media coverage has taken a... shall we say, "macabre" turn. HEADLINE! "Coroner Still Has Michael Jackson's Brain." According to the AP, Jackson's brain has been separated from his body, and is in the calloused hands of investigators until the true cause of death can be determined. While it's assumed that the brain will eventually rejoin the body before its burial, at least one unnamed source hopes it will be implanted in the 32-foot Jackson statue constructed for the HIStory world tour, which will come to life, and destroy the city of Tokyo. (Fine—the "unnamed source" is Hubby Kip.) HEADLINE! "Jackson's Body Stored in Motown Boss' Crypt." After a week of the media desperately scrambling to locate the whereabouts of Jackson's corpse, the New York Post reports the body is currently located in the crypt owned by Motown Records Chief Berry Gordy, who originally discovered the Jackson 5, and freaks us out because—c'mon—dude owns a crypt. HEADLINE! "Jackson Patriarch Fears 'Foul Play' in Michael Jackson Death." "Yes. I do believe it was foul play," Michael's pop Joe Jackson told ABC News, before quickly adding, "Wait... are you talking about how I raised Michael, or his drug use? Both? Okay, then 'yes' on one, 'no' on two." HEADLINE! "Michael Jackson Took More Than 10 Xanax Pills a Night." And by "more than 10" they mean at one point "30-40." According to CNN, a 2004 report from the Santa Barbara County Sheriff's Department reveals interviews with Jackson's former security guards who allege Jackson's daily use of Xanax was around 10 pills per day... BUT, "Jackson was doing better because he was down from 30 to 40 Xanax pills a night," one guard stated. Forget the crypts and brainless bodies—if that report is true, Jackson has been "the walking dead" for years.
TUESDAY, JULY 7 Considering all the hoopla surrounding Michael Jackson's death (and life), his memorial service held today at LA's Staples Center should've been the tawdriest spectacle since that time in a Thailand bar when we saw a stripper shooting ping pong balls out of her... well, decorum prevents us from saying "pussy." However, as it turned out, Jackson's service turned out to be largely sweet and respectful... save the bizarre occurrence of former MJ pal Corey Feldman (The Goonies, License to Drive) showing up to the memorial—um—dressed like Michael. Wearing a military jacket, fedora, sunglasses, and curly strands of hair hanging down in his face (à la Jackson during his Dangerous years), Feldman dabbed tears from his eyes as the memorial progressed. But the most appropriate observation came from Us magazine who reported, "John Mayer gave (Feldman) a puzzled look." This is from a guy who has seen Jennifer Aniston naked—so he knows a thing or two about "puzzling."
WEDNESDAY, JULY 8 Pretty soon it won't be out of the question to stage another memorial—for the career of Lindsay Lohan! Poor Lindsay shot herself in the foot again after turning down a key role in the breakout comedy hit of the summer, The Hangover. Apparently Lindsay's agent had secured her an audition for the role of stripper Jade—however, Lindsay declared that the screenplay had "no potential." (Cue depressed trombone sound effect.) Bwah-bwah-bwaaaaaaah! The role eventually went to Heather Graham, who everyone would rather see topless anyway. MEANWHILE... Well, if Linds loses her movie career, she can always fall back on her fake suntan spray business, right? WRONG! Today it was reported that Florida scientist Jennifer Sunday is claiming that Lindsay and her business partner stole the formula for their bronzer Sevin Nyne—named after LiLo's now unlucky number. Sunday is suing the pair for theft of trade secrets, civil conspiracy, deceptive and unfair business practices, and many more accusations too boring to mention. But don't worry folks! Lindsay has Twattered her innocence, claiming, "No formula was stolen for Sevin Nyne! It's a woman looking for a payday. That's it!" (Lawyers across the nation are currently arguing whether or not Twats will hold up in court.)
THURSDAY, JULY 9 We know you're dreadfully concerned about the status of Michael Jackson's dermatologist's sperm... so here you go. Claims that Jackson's dermatologist is the true father of Paris and Prince Jackson have been dominating the tabs, leaving Dr. Arnold Klein little choice but to visit as many talk shows as possible. As to the accusation that it was his sperm and not Jackson's that impregnated ex-wife Debbie Rowe, Klein forcefully and unequivocally replied, "To the best of my knowledge, I am not the father." However, he also forcefully and unequivocally added that he did donate his seed to a sperm bank... sooo, who knows? Thanks to Dr. Klein for his candor, and remember: If you're looking for skin care services in the greater Los Angeles area, call Dr. Klein—your "full-service" dermatologist. (Wink! Wink!)
FRIDAY, JULY 10 You know that Megan Fox trollop no one can stop drooling over? (And by "no one," we mean Hubby Kip?) Well, the secret's out about how she got her "acting" job in Transformers: Her "audition" consisted of washing director Michael Bay's Ferrari while Bay filmed her. "She said she didn't know what had happened to the footage," Jason Solomons of The Guardian writes. "When I put it to Bay himself, he looked suitably abashed—'Er, I don't know where it is either.'" Yeah, right. Well, Mikey, you might want to find it, because Hubby Kip is driving over to your place as we type this. He may or may not be armed.
SATURDAY, JULY 11 Oh, Tom Potter! Long, long ago, Portland's tubby, grumpy mayor served a single term, during which he accomplished absolutely nothing aside from taking daily naps, suckling on Werther's candies, and wasting everyone's time. Until today, that is! Today, Ol' Mr. Pott-Pott bribed one of his grandchildren into teaching him how to use "the Facebook on the world wide webs," and after spending a frustrating 48 minutes attempting to (A) become Facebook friends with Andy Rooney, and (B) post heartfelt condolences in a months-old Bea Arthur memorial forum, he then decided to dis Portland's current mayor, Sam Adams. "It's time for Portlanders to stand up and be counted regarding the recall of Sam Adams," Ol' Potty angrily wrote for his Facebook status update. (Aww. It's so cute to see earnest bluehairs getting involved in misguided political movements—it's as if they actually believe they can make a difference!) Alas, Potter's updates then began to ramble a bit. For example: "Portlanders need to stand up and do something about those baggy pants kids love these days!!!1!" read one update, while another chastised Portlanders to "Switch off your Walkman-pods and stand up against that horrible hippy-hop music!!" By 4:33 pm, Potter's Facebook page regressed to a single, desperate plea: "Please come over and change the channel on my computer," it read. "It's so cold, I'm alone, and it's nearly time for my Lawrence Welk program."
SUNDAY, JULY 12 Breaking news! Jennifer Aniston is still depressing! After getting dumped by Brad Pitt, John Mayer, Ross Geller, and god knows who else, today the equine-visaged actress was "devastated" after getting the heave-ho from The Hangover star Bradley Cooper. Aniston was "left reeling when she discovered Bradley had been on a date with actress Renée Zellweger," Showbizspy.com gushed, while the National Enquirer revealed, "Jennifer was devastated when Bradley told reporters in Paris that she was 'just a friend.'" Now, we don't usually feel bad for Jen—after all, she can always take a quick trot around a sun-dappled field to raise her spirits—but damn. Your boyfriend cheats on you with the fish-faced Zellweger, and then tells everyone in France you're "just a friend"? Jen, you take that run in that sun-dappled field! Jump over a shrub! Gallop like the wind. (And straight to the glue factory.)