MONDAY, MARCH 16
Mark your calendars, folks—because today marks the day that, for the first time ever, entitled, runny-nosed punk Justin Bieber was NOT the worst person in the room. As we reported last week, Justin was the subject of a Comedy Central Roast where most of the jokes were absolutely terrible. And it seems Comedy Central agrees with us! The network has decided to cut certain gags from the upcoming televised special—particularly those having to do with deceased actor Paul Walker, star of The Fast and the Furious film franchise. As you recall, Paul perished in a horrifying and tragic wreck... so, OF COURSE, comedian Jeff Ross tied the accident to Bieber's subpar driving skills, while quoting rapper (and Walker's costar in the movies) Ludacris. "'Move bitch, get out of the way!' is what Paul Walker should've told that tree," Ross said. "Too soon? Too fast? Too furious?" Ugh. Actually, too none of the above. At least Ross was successful in making Justin the second biggest jackass in the room. MEANWHILE... Ummmm... hello, but what is 43-year-old David Arquette doing at Justin Bieber's 21st birthday party? For those not familiar with Tinselturd history, Arquette is the boozehound ex-hubby of Friends star Courteney Cox, and a well-known (if not respected) party animal. According to Page Six, Arquette showed up uninvited, drunk, and wearing an ascot (??) to Bieb's 21st birthday bash in Vegas, and immediately began talking shit behind the young pop star's back. Witnesses say Bieber and a pal threw him out—but Arquette swiftly returned, and an all-out brawl was barely avoided thanks to quick-thinking partygoers who separated the two. And once AGAIN, Justin Bieber is only the second-most loathed person in a room! (If Bieber's publicist is paying these guys off, we would not be the least bit surprised.)
TUESDAY, MARCH 17
Today on "Shut UP, Kim Kardashian!" this haggish, fame-sucking demon is refusing to shut up about not being able to get pregnant. According to Us magazine, an upcoming episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians features Kim bemoaning the barren state of her uterus, and other downright idiotic things: "I've been having sex 500 times a day," Kim is heard whining. "It's so frustrating. [Sister] Kourtney just sneezes and gets pregnant!" Later when asked why she's just lying around the house, she explains that she's just had sex, and "[the doctor says] it takes 10 minutes for a sperm to swim up there. I'm going to wait like five more minutes for this to marinate inside of me." EWWWWWW! Later, when talking to her fertility doctor, she wonders aloud: "Don't [doctors say the baby] could be a girl unless you do it right when you're ovulating?" NO, YOU IDIOT! (Calm... calm down, Ann. We can get through this.) Kim also informed her fertility specialist, "I had a psychic—and a hairdresser who is psychic—tell me that it's going to be a boy!" (Is it against the law for fertility docs to slip their patients placebos?)
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 18
Us magazine reports that Scientology's number-one runaway bride Katie Holmes is now dating actor Jamie Foxx—and they've even got a photo of the two holding hands! (All together now: OooooOOOOOooooooh!) Well, one person NOT saying "OooooOOOOOooooooh!" is former hubby Tom Cruise, who—according to TMZ—has not officially commented on the relationship, but "has been concerned in the past with other boyfriends because of a possible negative influence on [daughter] Suri." "AND I FOR ONE SHARE TOM'S CONCERNS," shrieked top Scientology spokesalien Emperor Klaktu, communicating via intergalactic holotube from his home planet of Rigel VII. "While a fine actor—I was particularly riveted by his performance as Ray Charles—Mr. Foxx would not be the best choice to stepfather the future Empress of the Galaxy." Ummm... okay, but what about his role as Daddy Warbucks in that Annie remake? "Oh shit. I forgot about that," Klaktu said, snapping his 14 tentacles. "ALL HAIL THE FUTURE STEPFATHER OF THE FUTURE EMPRESS OF THE GALAXY!"
THURSDAY, MARCH 19
Today Gwyneth Paltrow actually said this out loud to CNN: "I'm incredibly close to the common woman, in that I'm a woman and I'm a mother and we all are in a physical body with beating hearts." Then she walked away to run a few "common woman" errands, such as picking out a new spring wardrobe (that only cost $450,000), which she'll wear while meeting the Dalai Lama, and afterward, if she has time, maybe drop by an upscale LA spa to get her vagina steamed. You know.... "common woman things" like that.
FRIDAY, MARCH 20
Ugh. Gwyneth Paltrow is just the worst! Sorry. We'll try to move on. MOVING ON... Speaking of Scientologists, they're furious about the HBO documentary Going Clear: Scientology and the Prison of Belief, which details the organization's practices as an abusive, money-grubbing cult, and is directed by Alex Gibney and based on the fascinating/terrifying book by journalist Lawrence Wright. But since Scientologists can't actually argue with the damning content of the film—like Wright's book, it appears to be immaculately researched—they've launched a "Freedom Media Ethics" campaign to personally attack Scientologists who cooperated with Gibney and Wright! (Here's an example of one of Freedom Media Ethics' classy tweets: "Which @AlexGibneyFilm #GoingClear subject charged rent to daughter w/special needs child?") "OKAY, OKAY, MAYBE THIS WASN'T THE BEST PUBLIC RELATIONS STRATEGY," shrieked top Scientology spokesalien Emperor Klaktu, communicating, yet again, via intergalactic holotube from his home planet of Rigel VII. "Maybe we should just be suggesting other movies to watch instead! Yeah! Like Furious 7, maybe? That's coming out soon, right? Yes! Definitely go see that! It'll be fun! Ha! Yes! Vin Diesel! Cars! Humans love those things! Whatever you do, just please do not watch Going Clear when it airs on HBO on March 29 at 8 pm." IN RELATED NEWS... While jerks might have been making fun of the late Paul Walker at Justin Bieber's stupid roast, Walker's costar, Vin Diesel, acknowledged Walker in a very different way: He named his newborn daughter Pauline. "It felt like, you know, a way to keep his memory a part of my family and a part of my world," the big, bald softie told Today, and that's just about the sweetest thing we've ever heard. Wait. Does... does this mean that not everyone in Hollywood is a horrible, self-centered cretin? Weird.
SATURDAY, MARCH 21
Here are two words no one ever wants to read: Ashton Kutcher. And as a result of no one ever wanting to read (or type, or say, or acknowledge) those words, Kutcher's longtime partner, Mila Kunis, who could do so much better, has been understandably reluctant to publicly discuss her relationship with Kutcher—even after the two had a child together. But on The Late Late Show, Kunis was busted when she forgot to take off her wedding ring. When host James Corden asked Kunis if she and Kutcher were married, Kunis replied, "Maybe." So far, so good, Mila—until Corden pressed again! "Either you're married or you're not," he pointed out. Kunis answer this time? "Maybe." Okay, that's wearing a bit thin—and Kunis' fellow guest, Tom Hanks, knew it too, jumping in with a "You mean your hus... Ashton." Ha! Good one, Tom Hanks! And, incredibly, Kunis still refused to answer. Stay strong, Mila. Never admit who you're married to. Ever.
SUNDAY, MARCH 22
After enduring ridicule and confusion from an entire nation, Starbucks baristas are no longer going to be writing "Race Together" on customers' coffee cups, reports the New York Times, "drawing to a close a widely derided component of the company's plan to promote a discussion on racial issues." The bewildering plan—which, incredibly incorrectly, assumed bleary-eyed Americans would want to discuss our nation's horrific and systemic issues with race with whatever random 17-year-old had been tasked with making their cappuccino—might have been well intentioned. But maybe—just maybe—Starbucks' mission isn't, as company spokeswoman Laurel Harper claimed, "to inspire and nurture the human spirit, one person, one cup, and one neighborhood at a time." Maybe Starbucks' mission is to just give us our goddamn coffee.