MONDAY, JULY 20 It's gonna be another crazy week for gossip and news—so let's start off with a Lindsay Lohan palate cleanser, shall we? According to the Daily Mail, on-again-off-again-on-again lovers LiLo and Samantha Ronson have once again entered full battle mode. Just this morning, Lindsay waged a pre-dawn strike, loudly pounding on the door of Sam's Hollyweird home (poor neighbors!), after learning that the lesborific DJ had spent the night partying with Sopranos actress Drea de Matteo. After allowing the jealous lover inside (always a bad move, Sam), Lindsay quickly took the offensive, loudly calling SamRo "a liar," which led to the couple exchanging a barrage of screaming obscenities (poor, poor neighbors). Eventually, SamRo had no choice but to drive the invader from her home by launching a major counter-attack (i.e., throwing a bag of Lindsay's clothes into the street). Unable to resist her desire for trampy miniskirts, Lindsay followed her clothing outside, at which point Sam slammed and locked the door. Lindsay left, vowing to finish the battle at a later date, while the Red Cross gave aid and moral support to the sleep-deprived, battle-ravaged neighbors. In times of war, it's always the innocent bystanders who suffer most. MEANWHILE... Keeping with today's "love is a battlefield" motif, R&B singer Chris Brown issued a two-minute video apology for his brutal attack on girlfriend/singer Rihanna. However, he has yet to apologize for the shirt he wore in the apology video, which makes him look like a chef at Chang's Mongolian Grill.
TUESDAY, JULY 21 Here's some interesting new information we learned today: A black man in America is not welcome to express his opinion—especially if he's the president. Let's back it up: Last week black Harvard scholar Henry Louis Gates Jr. was arrested inside his home after staunchly refusing to show the police his identification. (Charges were later dropped.) When asked about the incident, President Barack Obama (also a black man, or so we're told) responded, "I think it's fair to say, (1) any of us would be pretty angry. (2) That the Cambridge police acted stupidly in arresting somebody when there was already proof that they were in their own home...." ACTIVATE... SHITSTORM! The Cambridge police quickly replied that they were "deeply pained" by the president's criticism (who knew that people who carry guns were so sensitive?), while the usual cadre of honky nutbags (read: the GOP) demanded that the president apologize for offering his asked-for opinion. Instead, the president turned on the charm, admitted he "ratcheted up" the controversy with his comments, and invited the arresting officer and Gates to the White House for a conciliatory beer. Time will tell if the officer asks the president to provide identification.
WEDNESDAY, JULY 22 Hey guys! Michael Jackson's nose is missing! According to the always sensitive and subtle New York Post, the King of Pop's prosthetic nose (which he apparently wore to hide the ill effects of multiple plastic surgeries) has been misplaced, stolen... or something? Actually, the report is unclear as to what might've happened, probably because the real point of the story is this: "Hey guys! Michael Jackson's nose is missing!" MEANWHILE... Jackson's personal physician Conrad Murray had a rath-er rude awakening today when federal drug agents and members of the Los Angeles Police Department raided his office. According to ABC News, Murray's lawyer Ed Chernoff said the agents had a warrant "to search for and seize items, including documents, they believed constituted evidence of the offence of manslaughter." Though Murray vociferously denies any wrongdoing, he is suspected to have illegally administered Propofol (a strong anesthesia) to Jackson on the day he died. It remains unclear whether Murray is also suspected of lifting Jackson's nose.
THURSDAY, JULY 23 There are certain gossip stories one tries to ignore—for example, anything that involves bottom-tier celebs such as Kim Kardashian. They are simply not worth the effort. However, there is something about Kate and Jon Gosselin (of the TLC show Jon & Kate Plus 8) that keeps rising to the top of our pail of curdled cream. Here's the backstory for those who came in late: Jon's a baby; Kate's a bitch... end of backstory. And while Kate may have been the more famous of the two, now that Jon is "a free man," he's suddenly joined the bottom-feeder celeb club by hanging out with Lindsay's dad Michael Lohan(?!) and dating the reporter covering him from Star magazine(!?). Trust us when we say, THIS IS GOING TO END BADLY. Maybe not "Britney" badly... but there's always hope, right? MEANWHILE... Scientology and Stepford Wives poster girl Katie Holmes appeared on tonight's episode of So You Think You Can Dance to perform a lip-synched song/dance rendition of Judy Garland's "Get Happy." While her performance was proclaimed "Ehhhhh" by most critics, there was one reviewer who was a notable exception. "By the four moons of Thalagar, I give it nine tentacles up... WAAAY UP!" beamed Emperor Klaktu of the Rigel VII system. "Holmes' stellar performance was electrifying, perfectly capturing the essence of Judy Garland. (And I should know, because I have Garland's actual essence imprisoned in a jelly jar on my bedside table!)"
FRIDAY, JULY 24 The hits just keep on coming for the recently dumped Jessica Simpson. Today Us magazine reported that former boytoy Tony Romo (the Dallas Cowboy quarterback, not the rib shop/restaurant for the morbidly obese) posted the following instructions in the security shack outside his gated community in Dallas: "RED ALERT!!! TONY ROMO HAS MADE SOME CHANGES TO HIS LIST OF PEOPLE ALLOWED IN... JESSICA IS NO LONGER ON THE LIST AND NOT APPROVED FOR ACCESS." Okay... first of all: Lay off the cap key, Tony. Secondly, members of al-Qaida deserve a "RED ALERT!!!," not someone who thinks "Chicken of the Sea" is made of actual chicken. Thirdly, you're a puss. MEANWHILE... Think Portland's mayor has a credibility problem? Then by all means move to New Jersey! Today 44 people including three mayors, a bunch of elected officials, and (wait for it) even some RABBIS were arrested on corruption charges that involved laundering tens of millions of dollars and the black market trafficking of fake Gucci handbags and (again, wait for it) HUMAN KIDNEYS. Even more surprising? For New Jersey, this is kind of "business as usual," since the state has seen over 130 of their public officials arrested on corruption charges since 2001. Mayor Sam Adams, you need to step up your game, sir. (Seriously, is it going to kill you to traffic the occasional kidney?)
SATURDAY, JULY 25 In a week of startling stories, this one clearly takes the cake: Mega Hollyweird power couple Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were spotted today... in the drive through at McDonald's! OMG! CELEBRITIES: THEY ARE SO LIKE US! (In that they fall prey to the malevolent whims of advertising, as well as suffering from an overwhelming addiction to MSG and transfats. Other than that, they're kinda different.)
SUNDAY, JULY 26 Today former GOP vice president wannabe/annoying harpy Sarah Palin officially gave up her Alaska governorship—but she wouldn't leave without imparting a few bitchy and confusing swipes at the media. "So how about in honor of the American soldier, you quit making up things," Palin blathered. "And don't underestimate the wisdom of the people. And one other thing for the media—our new governor has a very nice family, too, so leave his kids alone." Now personally, we don't think new Alaska Governor Sean Parnell has much to worry about from the godforsaken media, because he probably isn't going to abandon his state in the middle of his first term to chase fame, political opportunity, and book deals. So Sarah, in closing, if we promise not to underestimate the people's wisdom (gag), we'd like you—in honor of the American soldier—to not let the door smack your skinny ass on the way out. Mm-kay? Mm-kay.