MONDAY, JULY 27 We're starting this week off with two VERY troubling news items, so which would you like to hear first: A story about George Clooney's new "arm harlot," or a woman shoving pork products into her vaheena while Kanye West watches? Hmm... we thought you might say that. ITEM #1! In NYC this weekend, a bunch of performance artists paid tribute to Kanye West's latest album, 808s & Heartbreaks by reinterpreting his work—and guess who surprised everyone by showing up? Kanye West, you guys! However, since these are performance artists, Kanye got a little more performance than he bargained for. Here's what happened courtesy of MTV News: "The evening became tense and uncomfortable when notorious (and buck-naked) performance artist Ann Liv Young confronted Kanye personally, shouting that she didn't think 808s was his best work, all the while grinding barbequed pork into her naked crotch (and then eating it). To Kanye's credit, he barely flinched." To his credit? How can anyone think of ANYTHING when we know that Hollyweird's most charming dreamboat George Clooney is tramping around Italy with a brand-new tramp? (Activate segue.) ITEM #2! In a move that would make even the most self-obsessed rap star ignore a woman shoving pork into her nethers, George Clooney has taken on a new (admittedly gorgeous) trollop, Italian model/actress Elisabetta Canalis. Where have you seen her before? Absolutely nowhere, unless you count her small role in Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo, hosting Italian MTV's Total Request Live, and... hold on a minute... a swimsuit calendar hanging in Hubby Kip's workshop?!? Et tu, Brute? Et tu?? (That's Latin for "Your pork's not getting anywhere near my vaheena.")

TUESDAY, JULY 28 More potential trouble for Conrad Murray, the personal physician of the late Michael Jackson: The doctor has admitted to administering the powerful anesthesia Propofol to the singer on the day he died. And, according to TMZ, sources add that Jackson's vitals were not being monitored at the time (a big no-no in the medical community), and that Murray may have even fallen asleep after administering the drug, waking to find the King of Pop dead from heart failure. Murray's lawyers are disputing the claims, yet just to be safe, are checking on the quickest and cheapest flights out of the country. MEANWHILE... More trouble for former pop star Jessica Simpson! When asked by TMZ if she planned on taking back the expensive boat she purchased for ex-boyfriend Tony Romo, she replied, "I'm not an Indian giver." Whoopsy! Unsurprisingly, Simpson's use of such stereotypical language has offended some Native American groups. To her credit, she was quick to issue an apology, and as restitution, offered the group some hand-quilted blankets, asking, "Do y'all want small pox with that?"

WEDNESDAY, JULY 29 For those who nominated "Jessica Simpson Makes Verbal Gaffe" in 2009's "Most Unsurprising Headline of the Year" contest—maybe you should have waited for this one: "Amy Winehouse Stole Cocaine from Kate Moss' Handbag." Blabbermouth Brit Blake Fielder-Civil (who also just happens to be Amy's scorned ex-hubby) shot his mouth off to the Daily Mail, dishing that Amy allegedly lifted Kate's coke during a party at NYC's Gramercy Park Hotel. "Kate had told Amy to get a $10 note out of her handbag to snort lines with," Fielder-Civil claimed. "But Amy told me she found two grammes of cocaine in there—so she nicked them." Fielder-Civil noted that Moss apparently never noticed the missing booger-sugar, adding, "[Amy and I] did some in the toilets and had sex, but we did the rest in front of everyone." EWW! Did you have to include the "had sex" part? And is it going to kill you people to visit a dentist once in a while? EWW!

THURSDAY, JULY 30 Today President Obama had a conciliatory beer with Cambridge Police Sergeant James Crowley (who's white) and Harvard professor Henry Louis Gates Jr. (who's black) in an attempt to smooth ruffled feathers following Gates' arrest in his home last week. Crowley was investigating a potential break-in at Gates' residence, and when the professor refused to show identification, he was arrested—which later led to Obama saying that the police "acted stupidly," which in turn led to a national shit-storm of epic proportions. Admitting his words had "ratcheted up" the controversy, Obama invited the men to the White House today to share a beer and conversation with himself and Veep Joe Biden. And while Gates and Crowley did not agree on the events that spawned the original confrontation, in the end, both men felt it was best to move forward. In addition, Vice President Biden didn't get drunk or say anything outrageous or offensive. So... we guess we can chalk that up as another good day for America!

FRIDAY, JULY 31 Where's Sarah Palin? NOBODY KNOWS! Today marks the five-day anniversary of Palin's bizarre resignation as Alaska's governor—and the Twat-happy pol has vanished without a trace, ignoring both her Twitter page and Facebook profile! "Internet fans are dying to know what's next," the Associated Press reports, noting panicked Palin supporters are posting depressing, poorly punctuated sentiments like, "Sarah can you give us just a hint!," "Sarah, our country really NEEDS YOU NOW!!!," and, most pathetically, "Is there any way you could somehow let us know you're reading this? Maybe a little tweet sometime when you get your Twitter up again." IN MORE GOOD NEWS... Today Italy approved the use of abortion pill RU-486, despite the Catholic Church's anachronistic, misogynistic, superstitious-rific opposition. Always eager to defy common sense, the Vatican promised to excommunicate all doctors who prescribe the pill and all women who use it. In related news, we'd like to take this opportunity to invite Pope Benedict XVI to suck it.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 1 Today's most depressing bit of news? That'd be Ryan O'Neal admitting to hitting on his daughter, Tatum... at Farrah Fawcett's funeral. O'Neal told Vanity Fair, "I had just put the casket in the hearse and I was watching it drive away when a beautiful blonde woman comes up and embraces me. I said to her, 'You have a drink on you? You have a car?' She said, 'Daddy, it's me—Tatum!' I was just trying to be funny with a strange Swedish woman, and it's my daughter. It's so sick." When asked for her take, Tatum was distressingly blasé. "That's our relationship in a nutshell," she told Vanity Fair, sighing with resignation. "You make of it what you will." All together now: shudder.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 2 "[That's a] totally fabricated story," said Ina Treciokas, better known as Katie Holmes' joy-killing rep. Speaking to E!, Treciokas shot down the rumor that Holmes would appear in the sequel to the Sex and the City movie, where she would reportedly play "a high-powered businesswoman ready to go toe to toe with Kim Cattrall's Samantha Jones." While we aren't too busted up over the news, some Sex and the City fans are quite upset. "OUTRAGEOUS!" bellowed Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII. "CURSE YOU TO THE THOUSANDTH LEVEL OF DENOBULAN HADES, INA TRECIOKAS! CURSE YOU FOR DASHING MY HOPES AND DESTROYING MY DREAMS!" After taking a drag off his Andorian hookah, Klaktu calmed down. "I offer my apologies," he grumbled. "It's just... if I could only pick one person to join Samantha, Miranda, Charlotte, and Carrie... well, it'd be Katie, y'know? She'd really give those sassy ladies a run for their money! And then maybe Tom could meet up with Mr. Big! And I know this sounds crazy, but maybe John Travolta could come by, and it could be sort of a Battlefield Earth thing, with the evil Psychlos trying to take over Manhattan, but all Carrie would be worried about—naturally!—would be if she's wearing the right pair of Jil Sander stilettos for the invasion! I mean, c'mon! At least it'd be better than that Lipstick Jungle crap."