MONDAY, MAY 11
Hey, parents! Lindsay Lohan needs to burn off some community service hours... so how about letting her watch your kids? As dutifully reported last week, the perpetually beleaguered LiLo was told she has 125 hours of community service left to complete, or else she'll face possible jail time... and she has less than three weeks in which to do so. Yikes! For those keeping score at home, she's only completed nine hours and 45 minutes since February. Hahahaha, YIKES! But this time? She's super serious, guys! In fact, according to gossipmonger Perez Hilton, Lindsay has moved into a Brooklyn hotel so she can be closer to her community service site, which just so happens to be the Duffield Children's Center nursery school! Linds will be volunteering at the daycare, which inspired the nursery's director to send out the following notification/warning to the parents. "Ms. Lohan... may be placed in a classroom with your child," the director ominously wrote. "This would be under constant supervision from the classroom teacher... Furthermore, volunteers are never left alone with children." The New York Post interviewed a few of the parents to see how they felt about their kids mixing with the former jailbird/jewelry thief/reckless driver/addict. "As long as she doesn't come here under the influence, I'm fine with it," said the unflappable grandma of one attendee. Others were a bit more reticent. "My major concern was what will happen to my son," said the mom of one five-year-old. "He's a little wild, and she's had her issues." Sounds like a match made in heaven to us! (Psst. Somebody remind her not to run with sharp objects.)
TUESDAY, MAY 12
Comparatively, while Lindsay is struggling mightily to complete her community service hours, semi-reformed celebrity turd Justin Bieber is acting like a goddamn angel. According to E! Online, Biebs has nearly completed all his court-appointed requirements stemming from the time he egged his neighbor's mansion. Finishing up all 12 of his anger management classes, Justin now only needs to complete five days of community service—which, unfortunately for him, does not include interviews with Seventeen magazine. "I was rebelling a little bit," JB said to the teen mag in a gross understatement of his former behavior. "You have to say, 'I'm sorry if I've let you down.' I always want to be honest and let people know that those mistakes aren't who I am." THEN WHY DON'T YOU DO THAT, TURD? Say the words! Say, "I'm sorry I egged that rich guy's house. I'm sorry I peed into a mop bucket while yelling 'Fuck Bill Clinton!' And I'm especially sorry I raced my canary yellow Lamborghini around various neighborhoods, and spent three years of my life walking around shirtless!" SAY THE WORDS, TURD!
WEDNESDAY, MAY 13
In today's installment of "guns only invite trouble": Acquitted Florida murderer George Zimmerman—famous for shooting and killing unarmed teenager Trayvon Martin—was involved in a road rage incident (surprise!) with a gun-loving former neighborhood watch volunteer. According to police, Matthew Apperson stands accused of firing at Zimmerman's truck, allegedly yelling, "You remember me, you fat fuck?" The two have been feuding for months, with Apperson claiming that Zimmerman previously threatened to kill him, and during this incident "waved a gun." A lawyer for Zimmerman denies the charge, while admitting his client was (of course) carrying a Glock 22. "I hope I got him this time," Apperson was overheard saying after firing at Zimmerman's truck. While the shot missed, the shattered window caused numerous cuts to Zimmerman's face. Apperson later surrendered to police, though he was released on bail the next day. NOT-SO-FUN FACTS: Since his acquittal in the Trayvon Martin case, Zimmerman has been accused of domestic abuse three times, as well as another road rage incident. Meanwhile, police have been called to the Appersons' home at least 15 times since 2012 for various offenses. The moral of this story is twofold: "Birds of a feather flock together," and "Florida gun lovers are fucked."
THURSDAY, MAY 14
BREAKING: Rapper Kanye West was allegedly seen smiling... in public! This extremely isolated incident was caught on camera at a recent NBA game between the Cleveland Cavaliers and the Chicago Bulls. Conversing with former Bulls player Scottie Pippen, the incessantly grumpy Kanye was unaware he was being videotaped when the corners of his mouth rose ever-so-briefly upward—what experts are now identifying as a "smile." However, as soon as the camera was spotted, Kanye instantly returned to his natural state (a permanent scowl), making many question if the smile really happened at all. (Since he's still married to Kim Kardashian, we're guessing "no.")
FRIDAY, MAY 15
Well, that was too good to last! Just last week, we wrote about how GOP presidential candidate, and noted bigot, former Senator Rick Santorum actually said something nice. The bewildering moment came when Santorum, speaking about Bruce Jenner—who identifies as a woman—declared, "You have to respect everybody, and these are obviously complex issues... I think we have to look at in a way that is compassionate and respectful." Naturally, such common decency isn't welcome in the GOP, where a surging scrum of hissing candidates are clawing each other's eyes out to see who can appeal to the country's deepest conservatives. AND SO... We come to this week, when Jeb Bush went on the creepy Christian Broadcasting Network to decry gay marriage, insisting that "traditional marriage is a sacrament" and "we need to be stalwart supporters of traditional marriage. We have to restore committed, loving family life with a mom and dad loving their children with their heart and soul." Jeb then went on to complain about how—now that those damn gays are legally allowed to have committed, loving family lives—"thousands of years of culture and history is being changed at warp speed." So... just in case you were thinking that maybe, just maybe, Republicans wouldn't be horrible this time around? Or that maybe, just maybe, Jeb was a little smarter than his dad or brother? Think again.
SATURDAY, MAY 16
And now for this week's Celebrity Who Thinks They're Better Than You and Doesn't Think They Should Have to Follow the Same Rules as Everybody Else™: Johnny Depp! The former winner of People's "Sexiest Man Alive" and the increasingly tiresome clown behind the endless Pirates of the Caribbean movies is currently in Australia filming that series' latest installment—and while doing so, he smuggled his two Yorkshire terriers, Boo and Pistol, past Australian quarantine, meaning they couldn't be tested for disease! The Aussies are not amused. "There is a process if you want to bring animals," Agriculture Minister Barnaby Joyce told ABC News, after Depp's dumb little novelty dogs were discovered getting prettied up at a dog groomer. "You get the permits, they go into quarantine, and then you can have them. But if we start letting movie stars—even though they've been the Sexiest Man Alive twice—to come into our nation [and break our laws], then why don't we just break the laws for everybody? It's time that Pistol and Boo buggered off back to the United States." After another choice quote from Joyce ("If he doesn't take Boo and Pistol back, we do have to euthanize them"), Depp hired a private jet to fly Pistol and Boo back to America. The winners in this scenario? Well, in general, the entire continent of Australia, which, correctly, doesn't give a shit about Johnny Depp's dogs. But a particular winner is Barnaby Joyce, who told reporters, "I don't think Mr. Depp will be inviting me to the grand opening of the Pirates of the Caribbean."
SUNDAY, MAY 17
Following the brutal tactics of militarized police forces in places like Ferguson, Missouri, and Baltimore, Maryland, President Obama has banned "the federal government from giving certain types of military-style equipment to local police forces and sharply restricting others," according to the New York Times. "We've seen how militarized gear can sometimes give people a feeling like there's an occupying force, as opposed to a force that's part of the community that's protecting and serving them," Obama said in the Guardian. "So we're going to prohibit some equipment made for the battlefield that is not appropriate for local police departments." That equipment includes stuff anyone outside of a war zone shouldn't need—like "tracked armored vehicles, the highest-caliber firearms and ammunition, and camouflage uniforms." It's a good first step. Here's hoping there are more. SPEAKING OF FERGUSON AND BALTIMORE... Dream Hampton—an activist, filmmaker, and friends with Jay-Z and Beyoncé—tweeted this week that Beyoncé and Jay-Z "contributed 'tens of thousands' of dollars to free protesters who could not pay their bail following anti-police brutality demonstrations in Baltimore and Ferguson," reports the Guardian. Hampton added that Jay-Z and Beyoncé "wrote a huge check... and more stuff, too much to list actually," but they "always insist folk keep quiet." (This includes wiring "tens of thousands" within minutes when they heard protesters in Baltimore needed bail money.) Hampton might have deleted her tweets, but America's course of action is clear, dears: Elect Beyoncé president. Jay-Z can be first gentleman, and Barnaby Joyce should be dog czar—complete with a little watchtower next to Johnny Depp's house, and a megaphone so he can deliver charmingly accented threats directly to Pistol and Boo. In times of national distress, so as to give us all comfort, these threats shall be broadcast live. (By "times of national distress," of course, we mean the point when Johnny Depp tries to get us to watch his new pirate movie.)