MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 14
Let's start this week off with two blatant travesties of justice, shall we? LET'S! Blatant travesty number one: Today in the knee-jerk liberal bastion of Irving, Texas, teenager Ahmed Mohamed decided to impress his teacher with a digital clock he built himself—unfortunately forgetting that he's a Muslim teen in IRVING, TEXAS. Instead of being wowed by his engineering prowess, the teacher confiscated the clock (because OF COURSE she thought it was a bomb), and called the police, who slapped Ahmed in cuffs and escorted him out of school. Suspended and arrested, police didn't believe Ahmed when he repeatedly told them it was a clock—maybe because they've never bothered to look at that beeping thing sitting on their bedside tables every morning? Naturally the internet went KA-BOOM over Ahmed's terrible treatment, and charges were eventually dropped. But that didn't stop a cadre of well-known dummies from chiming in with their idiotic opinions... let's start with Sarah Palin, who called Ahmed "obstinate," while cheering the "conscientious teachers" for freaking out over this "dangerous wired-up bomb-looking contraption." Also embarrassing themselves were two of Earth's more irritating characters, including sneering comedian Bill Maher, who claims the teachers were right to raise the alarm because "[Islam is a] culture that's been blowing shit up over and over again." (Way to blame the entire culture for the actions of a few, Bill.) Then there was increasingly cranky atheist Richard Dawkins, who labeled the teen "a fraud," and postulated that Ahmed wanted police to arrest him. (Because teens LOVE being arrested so much! Can Texas just hurry up and secede already? They're really starting to bore us to death.) MEANWHILE... Travesty of justice number two: According to Us Weekly, 22-year-old Miley Cyrus has been hooking up with 43-year-old not-funny comedian Dane Cook. That's it—we're shutting down America. Last one out, turn off the lights.
TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 15
Today in sniveling public apologies: Cat-ear-wearing human Bratz doll Ariana Grande apologized once again for a two-month-old incident in which (1) she and her boyfriend licked a tray of doughnuts at a shop in Lake Elsinore, California, (2) she and her boyfriend began making out after licking the doughnuts, and (3) she yelled, "I hate America," in response to the arrival of a new tray of unlicked doughnuts. "My behavior was very offensive and I apologize," the pop star named after a Starbucks drink said on Good Morning America. "As human beings... we have to learn from our mistakes and that's how we grow." YEAH, WELL, APOLOGIES WON'T BRING BACK THOSE DOUGHNUTS, ASSHOLE! We hate her so much. MEANWHILE... In other sniveling apology news, comedian Steve Rannazzisi (who costars on The League) apologized for claiming he was inside one of the World Trade Center Towers during the 9/11 attacks, when in actuality, he wasn't. Like at all. In past interviews, the comedian claimed this so-called close call was the moment that inspired him to leave New York and follow his dreams in Los Angeles. "I don't know why I said this," Rannazzisi said in a (sniveling) statement. "This was inexcusable. I am truly, truly sorry." YEAH, WELL, APOLOGIES WON'T BRING BACK THOSE DOUGHNUTS, ASSHOLE! (That was actually aimed at Ariana Grande. We're still mad at her.)
WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 16
Three things about Ben Affleck: (1) According to People magazine, Ben is doing everything he can to appease former wifey Jennifer Garner (whom he cheated on with hot nanny Christine Ouzounian), including family trips to "the farmers' market" and "attending a church service together." UGGHHH! Just cut off his balls already, Jen, and end this torture! (2) Hot Nanny Christine is reportedly so desperate to get back together, Affleck has been forced to change his phone number. Ha! Like that's going to work. George Clooney has changed his number six times, but has that stopped us? (Excuse us for a moment... we have a bunny boiling on the stove.) And (3) has anyone ever noticed that when Ben Affleck has a beard he looks just like Commander Will Riker from Star Trek: Next Generation? (If that image doesn't suck the dampness from Hot Nanny's loins, nothing will. You're welcome, Ben!)
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 17
Drama at New York Fashion Week! At a very crowded fashion show, movie star Jessica Alba was unceremoniously and brusquely shoved aside by Kylie Jenner's bodyguards. For those unfamiliar few, Kylie is the Kardashian Klan member whose surgically enhanced lips look like she has two boiled hotdogs glued to her face, and... UNGHHH! We're sorry, but we just can't let this Ariana Grande/doughnut molestation thing pass! You owe every person in this great country of ours a doughnut, you cat-ear-wearing butthole! And Kylie? You owe us a hotdog! And no, not the ones on your FACE!
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 18
Time to apologize again! Earlier this week on HBO's Project Greenlight, our normally beloved Matt Damon made a giant ass out of himself. As a mentor on the show, Damon was talking with movie producer Effie Brown about one of the films that might be featured on Project Greenlight. When it came to the filmmakers involved, Brown, "an African American woman who has produced over 17 feature films—including Dear White People—remarked that she preferred the directing team, Leo Kei Angelos and Kristen Brancaccio," NBC reported. "They happened to be the most diverse of the finalists, with Angelos being Vietnamese and Brancaccio being a woman." Pointing out that "the only black person" in the proposed film was "a hooker who gets hit by her white pimp," Brown encouraged Damon & Co. to be sensitive in how they proceeded—or she started to, until Damon interrupted her. "When we're talking about diversity," Damon Mattsplained, "you do it in the casting of the film, not in the casting of the show." Brown's response? "Wow," paired with what NBC accurately described as a look of "shock and most likely, disgust." Damon promptly, desperately apologized. "I believe deeply that there needs to be more diverse filmmakers making movies," he said in a statement. "My comments were part of a much broader conversation about diversity in Hollywood and the fundamental nature of Project Greenlight that did not make [it into] the show. I am sorry that they offended some people, but, at the very least, I am happy that they started a conversation about diversity in Hollywood. That is an ongoing conversation that we should be having." Ehh... sorry, Matt. As public apologies go, that one only gets a C+. (If it makes you feel any better, Ariana Grande gets an F-.)
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 19
Welcome, dears, to Out of Context Quotes™! This week: The Leftovers actor Justin Theroux, who, as you might remember, somehow and for some reason married Jennifer Aniston. When asked about the ceremony by the New York Daily News, Theroux had this to say: "I wouldn't say it was fun to plan." Of course it wasn't, Justin! You were marrying Jennifer Aniston. Thank you, and come back next week for another celebrity quote that's both funnier and more accurate after we've stripped it of any and all context.
SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 20
"You cannot win an Emmy for roles that are simply not there," Viola Davis said in her acceptance speech at tonight's 67th Emmy Awards—where she was the first black actress to win an Emmy for outstanding lead actress, thanks to her turn in How to Get Away with Murder. "The only thing that separates women of color from anything else is opportunity." While Davis' win was the high point of the awards show, there were other highlights too, like when Amy Schumer and Amy Poehler palled around ("Let's not forget what tonight's really about," Schumer told attendees. "Celebrating hilarious women and letting the internet weigh in on who looks the worst"), and seeing Tracy Morgan in his first public appearance since a brutal car accident in 2014. "I missed you guys so much," Morgan said, after a standing ovation. "When I finally gained consciousness, I was just ecstatic to learn that I wasn't the one who messed up." IN RELATED NEWS... A secret cabal of Dungeons & Dragons dweebs somehow rigged the voting process and made Game of Thrones win the Emmy for outstanding drama series. "With a total of 12 Emmys this year... Thrones broke a major record by surpassing The West Wing to take home more TV Academy awards in a single year than any other show," Entertainment Weekly pointed out—much to the delight of Hubby Kip, who celebrated by dressing up in "armor" (tinfoil), parading around (the kitchen), and insisting we call him "Ser Kip of the Night's Watch." We did not, and are currently researching Oregon's divorce procedures. We assume they're the same as in Westeros, which means we'll be free and clear once we figure out how to poison his Cheetos.