MONDAY, OCTOBER 12
It's time once again to play, "Which Celebrity Is Filled with the Most Amount of Shit?" And our first contestant? Obsessive pop star Taylor Swift! Now as we have witnessed repeatedly, Tay-Tay is... mmmm... let's say a bit high-strung when it comes to dating and her career (like when she gets spurned by Jake Gyllenhaal or Katy Perry, who eventually wind up as the subject of one of her many vengeance songs). However, she's just as obsessed with the awards she wins, and even more so with those she doesn't. In an interview with Grammy Pro she described the moment at the 2014 Grammys when the Best Album of the Year Award went to Daft Punk's Random Access Memories instead of her album, Red. For those who don't remember that moment, Taylor's face went from !!!!!!!! to ((((((( in the span of 1.2 seconds. In other words, she wasn't just crushed, she was CRUSHED. "I remember not going to afterparties," Taylor told Grammy Pro. "I went home and I cried a little bit, and I got In-N-Out Burger and ate a lot." Sure, it's disappointing... but something tells us that even if she had won that Grammy, it still wouldn't have been enough. She wants brunch with Jay-Z, a weekly spa date with Michelle Obama, AND a planet of sniveling slaves on their knees bowing before a picture of her "standing in a nice dress/staring at the sunset/red lips and rosy cheeks." (As she describes herself in her single "Wildest Dreams.") YOU WERE NOMINATED FOR A GODDAMN GRAMMY, TAYLOR, and we're eating Top Ramen from the pot over the kitchen sink. Find it in your dark soul to be a bit more grateful. CONVERSELY... When asked if he expected to win an Oscar for his role in Black Mass, scarf-wearing egomaniac Johnny Depp said, "I don't want to win one of those things ever. A nomination is plenty." Oh, bull-fucking-shit. At least Taylor Swift admits to being devastated and cramming her tiny pie-hole with hamburgers. So congrats, Johnny Depp: You win the award for being most full of shit! (Oh, great... Taylor's crying again!)
TUESDAY, OCTOBER 13
The first Democratic debate of the season aired tonight, and while it didn't have the bluster and flat-out lies of the Republican debate, it did muster up some surprises. Like when Vermont's loveable curmudgeon Bernie Sanders vocally agreed that Hillary Clinton's email scandal was largely a GOP scheme to distract voters, or when candidate Jim Webb bragged about how his "favorite enemy" was the one who threw a grenade at him, and died for the insult. However, the biggest revelation of the night was everyone agreeing that Clinton won the debate—while watching Sanders (and NOT Hillary) rise in the polls. According to a CNN/ORC survey, none of the candidates showed a significant increase in popularity following the debates except for Sanders, who gained five points in the standings. And while he may still be trailing Clinton by a wide margin, here's the best news of all: In this same survey, both Clinton and Sanders topped human gasbag (and #1 Republican pick of the moment) Donald Trump, who trails Sanders by nine points. Let's not speak too soon... but perhaps there's hope for America yet?
WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 14
If you've recently asked the question, "Is Miley Cyrus done freaking me out yet?" the answer is "NO, Miley Cyrus is NOT done freaking you out yet." Yesterday Wayne Coyne, guitarist and lead singer for the Flaming Lips, announced that the band would be teaming up with Cyrus for a very special concert. Wayne wrote on Instagram: "Oh fuck...!!! @mileycyrus is planning a show where her, [the Flaming Lips], and the audience are all COMPLETELY naked with milk (well white stuff that looks like milk) is being spewed everywhere." Okaaaay. Being completely naked for a concert isn't what concerns us—it's the vagueness of "white stuff that looks like milk" that gives us pause. Our advice to participants: Bring goggles and keep the CDC on speed dial.
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 15
A few weeks ago, dears, you likely heard of world-class douchebag Martin Shkreli—the 32-year-old CEO of Turing Pharmaceuticals, and the monster who hiked the price of AIDS medication Daraprim from $13.50 to $750 a pill. Is Shkreli one of the world's worst people? YES. But he's also a donor to the campaign of Bernie Sanders—or he would've been, if Sanders didn't hate Shkreli's guts. Shkreli "had hoped to parlay his contribution into a private meeting with the candidate," the Advocate reports. "Instead, the presidential hopeful has donated the sum—$2,700, the maximum amount allowed from a private donor—to Whitman-Walker Health, a Washington, DC-based clinic that specializes in the treatment of HIV patients and the LGBT community." "We are not keeping the money from this poster boy for drug company greed," said Sanders' campaign spokesperson, Michael Briggs, who presumably added "oh snap!" at the end. Well done, Bernie. Keep it up! (Hell, if you can manage to grow a backbone and stand up to the gun-crazy psychopaths in the NRA? We might even vote for you.)
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 16
Okay, forget about Bernie: "In #2020 I may run for president," Lindsay Lohan wrote on her Insta a few days ago! Adding "#YESWECAN lets do this," LiLo threw in a few more hashtags, too—#lindsaylohanat35, #lindsaylohan2020, #34yearsofEXPERIENCE, and, in a nod toward potential world domination, "#unitingWORLDnations." For those keeping track at home, 2020 is also the year Kanye West may or may not be running for president. A West/Lohan ticket? Be still our hearts. (And if President WeLo needs a press secretary, we're pretty sure a certain beloved gossip columnist is totes available.)
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 17
"In an astonishing act of civil courage, one American just shattered an unspeakable lie," Edward Snowden tweeted today, pointing readers toward the Intercept, the online news organization edited by Glenn Greenwald, Jeremy Scahill, and Laura Poitras. The story? An eight-part investigative series, "The Drone Papers," that uses a whistleblower's inside info to keenly examine—and damningly criticize—the Obama administration's rampant use of drones as tools for assassinations. (As PBS NewsHour summarized, one of the many horrifying facts in the report is that "nearly 90 percent of people killed in drone strikes over a five-month period were unintended casualties.") "We're allowing this to happen," the unnamed whistleblower told the Intercept. "And by 'we,' I mean every American citizen who has access to this information now, but continues to do nothing about it." Start doing something, dears: theintercept.com/drone-papers.
SUNDAY, OCTOBER 18
Alas, drones are hardly the only lethal weapons we're lobbing into the Middle East—did you know we send Justin Bieber albums over there too? Thankfully, several Middle Eastern countries are fighting back by banning Das Bieb's latest album, Purpose. The reason? "We're told the issue is twofold," TMZ writes of the album, which features a topless Biebles praying on the cover. "Justin being shirtless, and the cross tattoo on his chest." Hey, say what you will about living in repressive theocracies, but any government that bans Justin Bieber can't be all bad. MEANWHILE... Back when the United States looked more like a repressive theocracy, ye olden tyme "magazine" Playboy was most famous for its pictures of naked ladies, which began in 1953 with Marilyn Monroe. Come 2016, though? Naked ladies will be out, and Playboy's now-tame pictorials will go to PG-13 levels. "The decision was apparently [made] last month at a meeting attended by Playboy founder and current Editor in Chief Hugh Hefner," the BBC reports. "You're now one click away from every sex act imaginable for free," Playboy executive Scott Flanders told the New York Times. "And so it's just passé at this juncture." The magazine—which once had a readership of 5.6 million, but now has only 800,000 subscribers—will follow in the footsteps of playboy.com, which, instead of nudes, offers SFW content and focuses on merchandise boasting its iconic logo. "Don't get me wrong," Playboy content officer Cory Jones told the Times. "Twelve-year-old me is very disappointed in current me. But it's the right thing to do." MEANWHILE... Our beloved Hubby Kip—who is, mentally and emotionally, about 12—is very distraught by this news, and won't stop mumbling something about "the end of an era." For now, we're just enjoying watching him cry—but one of these days, we really are going to have to show him how to use the internet.