MONDAY, OCTOBER 26
Today in "Celebrities: They're Just Like Us": According to Page Six, famed fashion designer Marc Jacobs recently deleted the hookup app Grindr from his phone, and threw a big gay orgy to celebrate. (In related news, we recently deleted Facebook from our phone, and to celebrate we invited our mother over to watch Grace and Frankie on Netflix. Talk about parallel lives!) Anyway, according to Page Six, Marc posted a note on Instagram declaring he was way too busy with work to continue enjoying the many anonymous penises he found on Grindr, and so said goodbye to his beloved app by throwing a 10-dude orgy at his house. SO WAS IT JUST CRAZY AND FILLED WITH HOT SEXY GUYS (we hope, we hope, we hope)?? Well, according to an inside orgy source, it was actually... kind of chill? "Everyone was in their 20s," the source said, "but people weren't as good looking as I expected. I expected Lorenzo Martone beautiful. They were average, chill people who didn't have any attitude, which was really nice." Okay, that's a boring fucking orgy. Look, since Hubby Kip and ourselves are unable to attend orgies for reasons too mind-numbingly dull to repeat here, we depend on news from other orgies to keep the excitement alive. That's why Marc Fucking Jacobs needs to get his nose out of his work, and back into the anonymous bottoms of Grindr! We need more hot gay orgies, Marc! A NATION OF BORING STRAIGHTS DEPENDS ON YOU!
TUESDAY, OCTOBER 27
And if that news wasn't depressing enough, check this out: The former love of our life, the man who dashed our hopes, the monster who destroyed our dream of true romance, George Clooney and his horrible shrew of a gorgeous wife Amal Alamuddin have adopted a god-damned shelter dog! According to Us Weekly, the inexplicably happy couple dropped by California's San Gabriel Valley Humane Society and adopted Millie, "a short-legged, long-eared basset hound with googly eyes." OH, BUT IT GETS WORSE. The Humane Society's website reports that, until several weeks ago, Millie was homeless "and hoping for food scraps outside a local restaurant. Today her luck changed for the better when she was adopted by George and Amal Clooney." FUCK... YOU, MILLIE! We have spent years—literally years—using this column to entice George Clooney into our lives, and you spend a few weeks begging for scraps and just waltz right in? LOOK, "MILLIE." Unless you bite Amal on her perfectly shaped ass and give her a fatal case of rabies, we'll make sure you spend your remaining days digging for half-eaten Beef 'n Cheddars out of an Arby's dumpster. COUNT ON IT, BITCH.
WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 28
Okay, for hopefully the last time: No more racist Halloween costumes! First, University of Louisville President James Ramsey was forced to apologize after he and other staffers were photographed at a Halloween party wearing stereotypical Mexican costumes, mustaches, and sombreros. The sniveling apology was followed by a statement from U of L's director of the Office of Hispanic and Latino Initiatives, Sarah Nuñez, who succinctly noted, "We're human beings, we're not costumes." MEANWHILE... A teacher in (where else?) Alabama apologized after posing for a Facebook photo of himself and his wife dressed as Kanye West and Kim Kardashian—and sure enough! He was in blackface. "I didn't know dressing up as a celebrity couple would cause so much controversy," said oblivious wife Shannon Morrow to the Daily News, before adding the now most famous worst phrase ever, "Some of my husband's best friends are black." People. It is 2015. HAVE YOU NOT SEEN THE INTERNET? And even more importantly, how many more of these stories are we going to hear before you realize we don't care how many black friends you have?
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 29
While in a casual argument during the taping of an episode of the UK version of The Voice, ex-Culture Club singer Boy George dropped the week's juiciest slip o' the tongue. Trying to one-up each other, George was bragging to fellow judge Paloma Faith that he had "duetted with some of the greatest soul singers in history, including Luther Vandross and Smokey Robinson." Paloma responded, "Well, if we're throwing big soul names out there, I've performed with Prince." Without missing a beat, Boy George shot back, "Forget that, darling, I've slept with Prince." Needless to say, the crowd went insane—so much so, the episode was shut down until the audience could be calmed, which was only possible after George backtracked on his claim, saying he was only joking. However we all know he wasn't joking, right? Because both he and Prince were boning all night at Marc Jacobs' gay orgy! (Hmmf! A laidback "chill orgy," indeed!)
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 30
"He's a mess," an anonymous Manhattan bartender told the New York Post about Jimmy Fallon, whose hard-partying ways are reportedly causing concern for friends and employers! "Everything you've heard [about his behavior] is true," the bartender continues, alluding to stories about Fallon getting in fist fights at dive bars, throwing a Jägermeister bottle and falling on the broken glass, nearly severing his finger after tripping on a rug, and chipping his front tooth—alongside hobbies that include cavorting with fans in the wee hours at various bars and singing Katy Perry's "Walking on Air" while "literally crawling on the bar at West Village gay bar Marie's Crisis." Gossiping bartenders or no, put us in the camp that thinks those scrutinizing Fallon's drinking might be a tad alarmist—after all, if you had to watch The Tonight Show every night, you'd need a few drinks too.
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 31
And now for a Halloween story about the scariest monster of them all... E. coli! If you work downtown, you're no doubt familiar with the Human Centipede-like line that snakes out of fast-food chain Chipotle every day at lunch hour. (Alas, doom and misery befalls all who dare enter, because those people need their sofritas burritos with extra roasted chili-corn salsa, and they will murder anyone in their way.) But as you might've guessed from our lede (goddammit, Ann, you've got to be better about giving away the twist!), those burritos might feature an extra ingredient: E. coli! "The Chipotle chain voluntarily shut down 43 restaurants in Washington State and Oregon over the weekend after health authorities began investigating an E. coli outbreak," the New York Times reports, citing 22 known cases linked to six restaurants in Seattle and Portland. "Infections start when a person swallows tiny amounts of human or animal feces," the Times adds, noting symptoms include vomiting and bloody diarrhea. In case those gross facts aren't gross enough for you, dears, here's one more: This is the third E. coli scare that Chipotle has had—in 2015 alone. Shudder.MEANWHILE... Seventeen-year-old philosopher Jaden Smith has inexplicably been included for a second year on Time's inexplicable "Most Influential Teens" list, and, inexplicably, Time interviewed Jaden about this dubious honor. Jaden didn't disappoint, granting nuggets of wisdom like, "Being born was the most influential thing that's ever happened to me" and a solemn vow that, in "about 10 years," he's going to disappear—because he's going to "heal the whole world like a superhero would do," and "it will be a 100 percent mystery of where I am and what I am doing." Except in the very next sentence, he tells Time exactly what he'll be doing: "Products will be released from wherever I am, the undisclosed location," Jaden vows, "to actually help the world, to bring water into homes in Africa, create free energy that we don't have to pay for so that we can start living in the world that is not full of commerce, death, war, and the struggle and the fight for oil and the struggle and the fight for water and people taking all the power from everyone and keeping it all for themselves. My job is going to be to balance out the whole planet." Thanks Jaden! Also, can you start with Chipotle? Apparently they put poop in their food.
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 1
Whoa! The New York Daily News got an advance copy of Troublemaker: Surviving Hollywood and Scientology by Leah Remini—and in it, the former The King of Queens star dishes on how she spent 30 years (and donated $2.5 million) to Hollywood's wackiest cult. Remini remembers that when she asked Tom Cruise's then-13-year-old daughter, Bella, if she'd seen her mother, Nicole Kidman, recently, Bella replied, "Not if I have a choice. Our mom is a fucking SP [Suppressive Person]." Remini also recalls seeing seven-month-old Suri Cruise screaming on the floor of a bathroom as three women—including Cruise's sister and his assistant—stared down at her, gazing at the baby like she was "L. Ron Hubbard incarnate." Remini's break with the cult came when she filed a missing persons report with the LAPD for Shelly Miscavige—the wife of Scientology leader David Miscavige, and a woman who has been suspiciously missing for nine years. IN RELATED NEWS... Whoa! The Portland Mercury received an advance copy of Battlefield Earth II: My Scary Plan to Destroy Your Stupid Planet by Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII—and in it, Scientology's chief spokesalien dishes on why you shouldn't believe a word that traitor Leah Remini says! "Ann, in my book you'll find secrets far more damning than whatever gibberish Leah wrote," he told the Mercury in an exclusive interview. "For example, in chapter three, I tell the thrilling tale of how I was once an extra in The King of Queens third-season episode 'Fatty McButterpants.'" (Dears, we checked, and this is an actual episode of The King of Queens. Do with this information what you will.) "While on set," Klaktu continued, "I couldn't help but notice that Leah was quite rude to someone from craft services! So it appears she's not the only one with lurid secrets, is she? Anyway, buy my book, because also I put a crossword in there, and a word jumble, and a recipe for Molgrovian Sandworm Surprise that's guaranteed to delight! I mean, yes, it also might give you bloody diarrhea, but hey, so might Chipotle."