MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 21 If you enjoy disturbing gossip—the kind that makes your toes curl and stomach go all "ooey"—then have we got the week for you! The deceased Anna Nicole Smith is back in the tabs today, along with a startling new accusation that Anna's psychiatrist Dr. Khristine Eroshevich prescribed her a combination of 11 painkillers and sedatives that a pharmacist is calling "pharmaceutical suicide." (Maybe it's not so startling, considering Michael Jackson's doctor has also recently been accused of causing his death. Dear celebs: You know, there are other doctors besides the ones who graduated from the University of Yemen.) Even ickier? TMZ.com is reporting that there are pictures of Anna and her psychiatrist together, naked, in a bathtub, in a series of vaguely sexual poses. Hmm... is there some branch of psychotherapy that we're unaware of that includes the psychiatrist giving us crazy drugs and getting into the bathtub naked with us? If so—and that psychiatrist is George Clooney—then sign us up. MEANWHILE... In far more adorable news, President Barack Obama was the featured guest on tonight's Late Show with David Letterman, and was unsurprisingly charming, erudite, and (HELLO?) dreamy. Naturally he spoke intelligently on such serious issues as the economy, Afghanistan, and the country's busted health care system—but he also received a heart-shaped potato from an audience member! And when asked if he thought that certain recent hateful remarks against health care reform were racially motivated, Obama deftly noted, "First of all, I think it's important to remember that I was actually black before the election." (SIGH!! We think he just melted our potato-shaped heart.)
TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 22 In depressing, yet cruelly hilarious news, Jennifer Aniston's "pathetic rating" just took another dip into the red. According to the New York Post, Jen has been filming The Bounty with that hunky slab o' man-meat Gerard Butler—but is she taking advantage of the situation? Neeeeeyope! Instead, sad-sack Jen was caught in her trailer bawling her eyes out over—who else? Brad Pitt. An on-set assistant was allegedly called upon to fetch the star for her next scene, but was told by the blubbering Aniston, "I need a moment. This scene reminds me of Brad and me." OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, GIRL! Build a bridge and get over it, already! Dry your eyes, blow your nose and slip a roofie in Gerard's Aquafina FlavorSplash. Once he's asleep, surgically remove his sperm and inject it into your dehydrated ovaries. Have two to four sets of twins, rinse, and repeat. Seriously, how do you think Angelina landed Brad?
WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 23 Ready for some more juice from the Disturbia subdivision of Tinselturd? Mackenzie Phillips, the drug-addled former star of the '70s sitcom One Day at a Time (really, we should call our lawyers!), alleges in her new memoir that she had a consensual incestuous relationship with her father, Mama and the Papas lead singer John Phillips. And oh yes... it gets worse. According to People, Mackenzie first had sex with her father on the eve of HER WEDDING NIGHT. "I had a tons of pills, and Dad had tons of everything too," Mackenzie confessed. "Eventually I passed out on Dad's bed." Blaming her incessant drug use, Mackenzie says their continued sexual relationship then became consensual, and they even talked of running away together. "One night, Dad said, 'We could just run away to a country... where this is an accepted practice. Maybe Fiji?'" Asked if whether or not this unconventional couple would be actually be accepted within their borders, Fiji responded with the following official statement: "EWWW!!!"
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 24 Former child star and sex-tape impresario Dustin Diamond has also released a book this week, documenting all the behind-the-scenes action on the 1980s teen comedy Saved by the Bell. According to Diamond—who played nerdy nebbish Screech—there was plenty of on-set pot smoking, sex between cast members, and even steroid abuse. However, since Diamond never admits to having a consensual sexual relationship with one of his parents, frankly, we don't give a shit. MEANWHILE... OMG, you guys! Lily Allen has quit the music business! You... you don't know who Lily Allen is? The cute Brit who had a momentary hit in the states called "Smile"? Yeah, that Lily Allen! Anyway, today she announced on her blog that she was tired of all the music piracy happening on the internet, and therefore will leave the business, vowing never to make another record. The good news is that she never slept with her father. The continuing bad news: Therefore, we don't give a shit.
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 25 Have you, like so many others, been frantically wondering what actor Randy Quaid's been up to? Well, stop tossing and turning, because One Day has your answer: He's been getting arrested in Marfa, Texas! Yesterday Quaid and his wife, Evi, were busted for allegedly not paying hotel bills at the San Ysidro Ranch in Santa Barbara and the Hotel Bel-Air. (It's where the Fresh Prince stays!) Quaid—who in his mug shot sports a truly terrifying, Jeremiah Johnson-style beard—and Evi sent a bewildering hand-written note to TMZ.com, insisting that (a) they were innocent, (b) "Marfa, Texas, is a great place to be arrested," and (c) "I promise the state of California, Texas does not bother people over hamburgers ordered by room service, supposedly burglarized." Confused, we turned to a consultant to help clarify the Quaids' note, and our expert was, to say the least, rather critical of their claims. "I can attest that both California and Texas do, in fact, prosecute the crime of hamburger theft, often to the fullest extent of the law," the Hamburgler said during visiting hours at San Quentin. "Once you've been singled out, not even an exonerating letter from Mayor McCheese can assist your case. Trust me," he added. "I've tried." Hamburgler then grew pensive, casting his eyes downward and muttering a forlorn "Robble... robble."
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 26 Remember Justin Guarini, from American Idol and From Justin to Kelly? The guy with the stupid "Sideshow Bob" hair? Well, today he got married... and not to Clay Aiken! (Thank yew, thank yew, don't forget to tip your waitress!) MOVING ON... Could Michael Jackson have talked Hitler out of the Holocaust? POSSIBLY! A recorded conversation between Rabbi Shmuley Boteach and Jackson has the rabbi asking if Jackson, given an hour with Hitler, could "touch something inside of him." (Rimshot, please!) Jackson responded, "Absolutely, I know I could. You have to help them, give them therapy, teach them that somewhere, something in their life went wrong." While Jacko playing psychologist to a hypothetical Hitler is weird enough, think about this for a minute: Would Michael & Adolf be a great sitcom or what?
SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 27 So.... that super-creepy news about Mackenzie Phillips sleeping with her dad, Papa John? It all might be a joke, claims Michelle Phillips, the ex-wife of the late John Phillips. Michelle claims that in 1997, Mackenzie told everyone in the family that she'd slept with her dad—but then took it back. "She told me, then she called back and said, 'You know I'm joking,'" Michelle told the Hollywood Reporter. "I said it wasn't funny. Mackenzie said, 'I guess we have different senses of humor.'" Umm... yeah. We guess. MEANWHILE... Speaking of people who creep everybody out, sleazeball director Roman Polanski—who, in 1977, was convicted of drugging and raping a 13-year-old girl, at which point he fled America and has not returned since—was arrested today in Zurich, where he now faces possible extradition to the United States to face sentencing. Oh, you celebrities. Always with your three-decade-long flights from the authorities, your gross sex scandals, and your "jokes" about incest. Keep it classy, y'all!